Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Book review offer


The editor of a magazine has asked me to review a book. I got the following email from him yesterday:

Dear Bananas


Have you heard of an idiot called Seymore Butts? He used to act in pornographic films and now presents himself as an authority on sexual matters. He has written a book called 'Rock Her World' implying that most men have no idea how to please a woman in bed. It is frankly flabbergasting that a publishing house should promote the ideas of a man whose only claim to expertise lies in cavorting with harlots and nymphomaniacs. Would you be interested in writing a piece for a gentleman’s periodical demolishing this absurd drivel? You are the very ape I am looking for to put this drooling buffoon in his place.

Respectfully yours

J D Spoon, editor


Now I don’t know much about an editor’s job, but there is something very strange about being asked to write a negative review before one has even opened the book.
Does Spoon believe that a gorilla is a factotum who will do anything a human asks of him for an appropriate fee? Piqued by his presumption, I replied as follows:

Dear Spoon


Thank you for your recent message. I had not heard of Seymore Butts until you mentioned him. May I ask why you think I have the knowledge or inclination to review his book in the manner you suggest? For all I know, most men may indeed be hopeless lovers. Even if Butts is wrong, he ought to be able to express his views without being subjected to a character assassination. Pending clarification of these issues, I provisionally respond to your request in the negative.

With regrets

G. Bananas


Spoon responded quickly to my email.


Dear Bananas


Let me expand on the sentiments expressed in my earlier message. I assume you are a silverback gorilla who regularly attends to the business of servicing his mates. Has anyone ever written a book claiming that your females were howling in frustration at your performance? Of course not! You simply follow your instincts, and no one calls you an ignorant, selfish dolt for doing so. So please spare a thought for your fellow male primates of the human species! My offer to review the book stands.

Kind Regards

J D Spoon


This email cast a more sympathetic light on Spoon and his peculiar animus. He is quite right that no one has written a book criticising the sexual prowess of the male gorilla. This is possibly because our females would rather give explicit instructions in the heat of the moment than indulge in futile carping afterwards. You tend to do what a lady gorilla says when she’s gnashing her teeth in feverish anticipation.


So being a fair-minded ape, I decided to read an
existing review of the book to find out what all the fuss is about. Although the review was favourable, it is blindingly obvious that Butts is a fatuous ninny. According to the reviewer, the author’s philosophy is encapsulated in the following catchphrase:

“Guys, you gotta give to get – and that is the bottom line.”


How appropriate that the word “bottom” appears in it.


In all probability, the pages of this book are worthy of wiping a baboon’s anus. Yet I shall not entangle myself in human controversies by penning a hostile review. I will send Spoon a friendly message suggesting that he asks Dickie Dawkins to review it instead. As a man who favours instinctive behaviour, Dickie will relish giving Butts a thorough caning.


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Comments:
Sounds like he could've published a pamphlet instead of a book....
 
I think you have walked a fair and careful line on this - may I suggest that you do in fact obtain a copy of Mr Butts epistle and perhaps write an unbiased review after a suitable period? I have often wondered what sex would be like ...
 
I suspect Mr. Butts has become OCD with his sex addiction?? Hence the Book??

"Bottom line"...the lil' fucker just can't get enough...the thought of 'sharing' gives him the DTs. That's my bet anyway.
 
Gorilla's bottom line should be only reviewing books for bucks.

Just a thought.
 
Now, if Dickie Dawkins wrote a sex guide I would read it, if only for a laugh as I suspect that the man has absolutely no imagination.
 
I hear Dick Slapper has a new book out as well, entitled 'Rosy Palm and Her Five Sisters'. As you could imagine, there's not much need for reviews.
 
You should review other more interesting books, Mr Bananas.

And about this one: theory is not as interesting as practice in this particular subject. Who needs books???
 
a well reasoned decision - you are the diplomat as always. I have talked about your huge capacity for insight into the male brain on my blog today.
 
Oh wow, Dickie Dawkins giving Butts a thorough caning? Phwoar.

Good on you, taking the higher ground!
 
Red Squirrel: I think Butts could have presented his ideas on one side of a table napkin.

Mutley: I dunno, Mutley, I'd have to read it first. Why don't you review it instead? You seem to have a bit of time on your hands.

Blasé: I don't know what your acronyms mean, but your heart seems in the right place. Butts is no thinker, that's for sure.

Topiary: Thank you for the advice, Ms Cow, you would make an excellent agent.

Gadjo: Yes, he and Lalla are probably into very dull vanilla stuff. There is an episode of South Park where Dickie rides Ms Garrison like a wild baboon. They flatter him.

Static: I suspect there's not much need for reading either if it's illustrated.

Leni: You are right on both points, Leni. Some things were meant to be learned on the job.

Emma: Thank you, Emma dearest, I get a warm feeling in my loins when you mention me in your blog.

Rachel: Thanks, Rach. Did you see the South Park episode where Dawkins shags Ms Garrison? It's a classic in my view.
 
So did you like it then? :)

'you gotta give to get'
Brilliant! That's going to be my mantra from now on.
 
I need to find that South Park episode
 
Seymore Butts had a TV show as well.
Mom and Dad were on the show, he was supposedly looking for love-marriage. Its humour wasn't half bad, but you know what they can do in editing. This book he wrote is just him trying to make a buck, like the next guy trying to make a living.
 
ah at last, I could find this post once more. You have few [url=http://tipswift.com]useful tips[/url] for my school project. Now, I won't forget to bookmark it. :)
 
You get all the best gigs GB.
 
I read a rather more scathing review of this book at the end of last year. I think you did the right thing not to waste any time on it.

Like your lady gorillas, I find that giving explicit instructions at the time is far more rewarding than trying to explain afterwards. The lessons also tend to be retained better if there is an obvious bonus as a result of putting them into practice.

Sorry I havent been around much, it's been a bit busy over at Having My Cake - I now have a proper domain :)
 
Keep on posting such articles. I love to read stories like that. BTW add some pics :)
 
What a dirty trick. The life is a critic is lonesome. Always worried that those footsteps behind are those of a newly made foe who wants to repay your words with clenched fists.
 
I'm intrigued... the male silverback regularly services his females... really? Sorry... I'm easily distracted;)
 
Right-thinking men, all ladies and this gorilla spurn Butts, so what do we do in Reading? Name a chavorama shopping centre after him. That' my friends, is how you give someone a bad review - Berkshire Style.
 
The trouble with lesser men of Butts' species, Mr. Bananas, is that even when they are willing to 'give', they seldom have a clear idea of what to. And unlike masterful silverbacks such as yourself, they are not receptive to explicit instructions. In fact, it cools their ardour rather quickly, and raises their ire just as fast.

Or so I have been told.

Your Mr. Spoon is more to be pitied than scoffed at.
 
Donut girl: I'm sure you have plenty to give, Ms Donut, but make sure you are rewarded in advance.

Nursemyra: It's the one where Cartman freezes himself and ends up in the future.

Mark: Thanks for that background information. I hope he has now made enough to retire.

Anonymous: Are you sure you have the right blog, young human?

Rubbish: Hah! Say that after you've reviewed a few crappy books.

Joanna: Yes, indeed, your blog shows what can be achieved with good communication. No need to apologize, Joanna, I'm sure you have much on your plate.

Anonymous: I will do. What kind of pictures would you like to see?

Emerson: So you sympathize with the critic? For some reason I find that surprising.

Auri: That's what Spoon assumed, Auri. I don't like to give out too many details about such matters.

Mr Boyo: But surely they were paying homage to him. Or is that the same thing as a bad review in Berkshire?

Rimi: Dear Rimi, I fear that you are either associating with or hearing about the wrong kind of man. I assure you there are many who find nothing more exciting than being told by a woman of how to satisy her carnal cravings. Refer to the blog of Joanna Cake, above.
 
I am willing to review the literary efforts of Mr Butts - where can I get a copy?
 
I assume that this is not a book that a lady such as I can peruse during her well-deserved tea break? It would make such a change from Georgette Heyer.
 
Mutley: Any good bookshop. Try Foyles.

Madame Defarge: I would not recommend it, Madame D. A gentrified synopsis might be acceptable for a tea break.
 
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