Friday, April 29, 2011

Snubbing the wedding

A girl in a gaudy dress and high-heeled shoes hands me a flyer outside Moorgate tube station - it is an invitation to attend a punk rock festival on the day of the royal wedding. The words “Don’t stand on ceremony!” are printed on the card in bold letters, along with a promise that the only mention of the Queen at this event will be “when we play the Sex Pistols”. 

“What is the dress code for this jamboree?” I ask the girl. 

“Bare midriffs are preferable but body piercing is optional,” she replies with a smirk. 

“In that case I will have to excuse myself,” I say, “for I am both overdressed and under-perforated.” 

I nevertheless keep the invitation as a souvenir, as it reflects well on the independent spirit of Londoners. I wholly approve of their refusal to pay homage to the princely nuptials, destined to be one of the most boring spectacles since Dick Whittington put a gold-plated collar on his pussy. 

My lack of interest in the proceedings is not because I harbour a grudge against the House of Windsor. Although I have never met the Queen, we once exchanged meaningful glances in heavy traffic along the A243. In truth, I would turn my hairy back on any ceremony in which one might encounter weeping matrons, befrocked clergymen or overdressed horses. Putting on such a pageant to celebrate a marriage which hasn't even begun is like gift-wrapping an onion.

Prince William, of all people, should know that making solemn oaths in public is tempting fate. Look what happened to his parents. After a few years of unholy wedded angst with Diana, Charles was fantasizing about being a tampon in Lady Camilla’s birth canal. You may say that the prospects for the current pair are more auspicious, given that the bridegroom is not an emotionally-repressed fogey who was bullied into the marriage by his father. Yet who is to say that Kate will wear the glass slippers without getting corns? One person who has his doubts about her is Bernie Anus, my old circus chum. 

“Her face is pretty,” he conceded over a tankard of ale. “But if I were Prince William I would have married a girl with a bigger bosom. It won’t be long before he’s wondering what it feels like to get his face buffed by a decent pair of jugs.” 

“Isn’t that a job for the royal nanny?” I asked. “His cheeks look shiny enough, so maybe he’s already got it out of his system.” 

“No man ever grows out of boob-to-face action,” asserted Bernie. “And there’s also Kate’s image to consider. A future Queen of England doesn’t want pitying looks from well-stacked women.” 

“Have you considered the possibility that Kate’s accession will make small breasts fashionable?” I asked. 

“Not until you just mentioned it,” said Bernie glumly. “I prefer not to dwell on doomsday scenarios.” 

I didn’t pursue the topic further, as bust size is a trivial issue for us gorillas. Kate is undoubtedly a comely lass, but I wouldn’t watch her wedding if her breasts were bigger than Chesty Morgan’s

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will is a lucky man, kate & a royal nanny!!

also, did you know there has been a big stink in the colony about 'the chaser' being banned from covering the wedding in a humorous manner....
I'd choose the punk rock fest over the royal wedding any day. But I'd also need to get perforated. You lucky ape, for getting that invite.
Hmm, your link brought up where the supposed Punk Rock festival is playing but not who was on the bill. What passes for punk these days? If Pulled Apart by Horses aren't playing, then what the hell's the point? Might as well watch the wedding. A Royal wedding seems to me to be more punk rock than anything these days.
Oh are probably going to think me naive and silly, but...I'm going to watch. *hides head in sand*

I adored Princess Diana growing up, so I suppose it feels only right to watch her son marry. I'm a romantic. It's sad, I know.

Please, don't throw too many tomatoes at me. *blushes*
I have made my opinion on the royal wedding (and the royalty in general) known elsewhere, as I'm sure you know, but I will say I would certainly watch the royal honeymoon sex tape if it is released.
I don't get the hype about all of this. Then again, I don't get why you guys still have a monarchy. But the royal family is entertaining, in a creepy way.
Dull Boy: I never even knew there was a show called The Chaser. It seems the BBC has only banned them from using its footage of the event, so they ought to stop whinging.

Robyn: I'm sure you'd be popular enough without any perforations, Robyn. I would have helped you pick out a suitable costume if you were here.

Tennyson: I'm not even sure any bands will be playing there. It sounds more a fancy dress party with a punk soundtrack.

Frisky Virgin: There's no need to apologise, Miss Virgin, I would have been disappointed if you weren't watching. Virgins and weddings belong together. Do tell us what you think of the bride's wedding dress. I'm sure your one will be just as fetching and a few shades whiter.

Chris: I suspect this couple have rehearsed their wedding night many times, but that doesn't mean they'll do anything worth watching. For someone who opposes royalty, your faith in their bedroom performance is touching.

Riot Kitty: Hello and welcome, Ms Kitty. The hype is required to justify the public holiday. Is there a particular royal person you find particularly creepy?
In my opinion there are quite enough big tits in the Royal Family...
The only thing about this whole pathetic fiasco that interested me was a poll I saw entitled "does Kate take it up the arse".

Two posh twats getting married - just means their gonna breed more posh twats to sponge off our taxes.

Me, my big tits and my pierced bits will NOT be watching.
I'm with Bernie, man speaks a lot of sense.
I can't help but wonder Mr. GB, that since the Middletons are not royalty, had this been their plan all along? I have to ask especially after reading that the maid of honour and sister of the bride had a reputation for batting those eye lashes, clamouring up to the sons of various Dukes and Lords during her stint at the University of Edinburgh.

It's got me pondering on what I could do to find myself in a similar position albeit with some kind of Persian Prince... I'm sure I'd do good especially since Kate's bust has nothing on mine.
wow, chesty's tits are bigger than charles' ears!
Kate's shy puppies are a far cry from the days when Lady Helen 'Melons' Windsor received regular tabloid coverage, leading to one of my favourite all time gutter press headlines about a wild night out she spent in Manhattan: 'Melons Goes Bananas In The Big Apple.'
Steve: Is that a compliment or an insult?

Dirty Cowgirl: I don't know about Kate, but some of the wedding guests certainly do.

Rubbish: Bernie is Welsh on his father's side, so I'm not surprised you agree with him.

Azra: A girl of your intelligence doesn't need to flutter her eyelids, Miss Azra. Speak boldly with your chest puffed out and you'll surely get what you deserve.

Billy: Bigger than Dumbo's ears too, I would say.

Indie Pop: Did you know Lady Helen now has 4 children, including two girls called Eloise and Estella? I wonder if they'll take after their mother.
Suddenly feeling a little self-conscious about my bra size...
I might have watched the ceremony if they had chosen to have a pagan ceremony at Stonehenge. I could have recommended a good Pagan priestess to conduct the ritual. She did a fine job for me and my beloved.
Ah, but Prince William DOES get his face buffed by giant bosoms every weekend in London's red light district. It's all part of London's economic development.
I think the Royals are odd, but, the pageantry they throw for the economic revival is pretty stunning.
I would have watched some of the wedding, if I could, but my TV decided to go on the blink, anti-Royalist? Sony? Who knew...

I'm guessing Bernie doesn't need to worry about the A List overtaking the D+ List anytime soon. Real men prefer real women. 'Nuff said.

Very amusing read, Mr Gorilla, you had me tittering.

Kind regards, Kitty
Sandra: I do apologize, Sandra, I didn't mean to make you feel less than fulsome.

Madam Z: Did you wear a pagan wedding costume, Madam Z? I'm sure it would have suited you.

Static: Royal princes don't pay cash for that sort of service. Souvenir notepaper is all the whores would get, however big their boobs.

Kitty: Hello and welcome, Kitty. I'm sorry to hear your TV let you down - maybe you'll be able to get the highlights on DVD. I will defer to your superior knowledge about the preferences of real men. I'm sure you know more of them than I do.
Who said Prince William paid cash for their services? Souvenir notepaper is worthless when you are gifted such things as the ability to name drop and the esteem of sucking off a Royal family member.
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