Friday, March 18, 2011

Mango sauce

Africa is full of the most wonderful natural medicines. Our mangoes contain a substance that keeps you trim by speeding up your metabolism, which is far healthier than taking diet pills that make you shit like a horse. It only works for women, though. Men who take it just want to have butt sex. 

I used to run a little jungle laboratory that extracted this compound from wild mangoes. It wasn’t for the local women, who get plenty of exercise and prefer being fleshy in any case. I sold it exclusively to the wives of western diplomats living in Brazzaville, never charging them more than I needed to cover my costs. The only profit I wanted was the knowledge that overweight white women were shedding surplus pounds and climbing trees in triumph. Call me sentimental, but that’s the kind of ape I am. 

I had to halt this charitable venture after an incident involving British ambassador’s wife, which alerted me to a side effect of the drug. This woman was an attractive former cocktail waitress who had acquired a few too many love-handles in early middle-age. On visiting my tribe in the jungle, she was naturally fascinated by our sleek, firm bodies, bounding energetically through the undergrowth. I agreed to see her at the official residence for further consultations. We took tea in the veranda after I arrived. 

“Maybe I’d get into shape if you gave me regular massages,” she suggested. 

“Ma’am, I fear that would merely move the surplus tissue from one area to another,” I replied. “What you must do is burn off the fat, and I have just the thing to stoke your fire.” 

So I gave her the mango extract, and a few months later all seemed fine and dandy – the woman was slimmer in the waist and tighter in the tenderloins. Then I got a summons from her husband, the ambassador. He didn’t waste time in small talk after I sat down in his office. 

“Bananas, you hairy rascal, what the devil have you been giving my wife?!” 

I resisted the urge to tweak his nose for that insult. A man whose wife has been taking medication from a gorilla is entitled to express himself forcefully. 

“Just a little something to energise her,” I replied. “I shouldn’t discuss my prescriptions with third parties.” 

“Third party, my arse!” he barked. “The woman is so insatiable that I have to sleep in the guest room! My balls are aching and she’s threatening to have an affair with the chauffeur!” 

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. “I won’t give her any more of the substance until we’ve looked into its aphrodisiac properties. In the meantime, I suggest give your chauffeur a month’s leave and order some sex toys.” 

Although I no longer produce the drug, others have exploited the gap in the market. It is now available in supermarkets without a doctor’s prescription. For fat women with low sex-drives it is nothing short of a miracle cure, but what about fat women with high sex-drives? Has no one considered the desperate lengths to which they might be driven? 

Labels: , , ,

Im already a fat horny middle aged woman, might try some of that - save me place in a tree.
and what of the skinny women with high sex drives who consume this product? will they just spontaneously combust?
what a great product...there is no shortage of potential users here in the colony......

(and that's knowing nothing about their level of sex drive)
I am a slender woman with a high sex drive. My husband is a fat man with a low sex drive. Is there anything in your jungle laboratory that might correct this imbalance?
There are some roots n herbs here in this part of the world that does the job. No reasons to try yet.
BTW the lead pix is a little disturbing, GB
Does this explain why the mango is called a man-go? (I don't know why I'm in a pun mood these days. You have that affect on me, GB.)
The Belgian politicians would want this cryptic Mango extract to be given to their wives.
I'm all for a more personal NHS but the doctor in that bottom picture is a mite too informal for my tastes.
Dirtycowgirl: We'll have to find you a tree full of horny men, Ms Cowgirl. It sounds as if an aphrodisiac is the last thing you need.

Kage: They'd go nuts, Ms Kage. They'd be a danger to themselves and their furniture.

Dull boy: Yes, indeed. Who wouldn't want to see big Aussie ladies become more physically active?

Madam Z: Can't you persuade him to take a blue pill, Madam Z? If that doesn't work, I suggest you find a young lover or a new husband.

Jaya: It's good to know you have your own native products, Miss Jaya. The lead picture depicts the "no pain, no gain" motto.

Robyn: Hah! I really never thought of that one, Robyn. I think you might be a natural punster.

Runaway bride: It would prevent the sex strike, Miss Runaway, but they might end up in bed with the chauffeur. These things are difficult to control.

Steve: He's not even looking at the patient while examining her. He must be making eyes at a nurse.
Mr. GB, since you're so talented, could you develop a product for women such as myself to get younger guys off our asses? I'm somewhat of a herbivore (with a few carnivorous tendencies) but these predators have made no bones about the fact that they just want my beef. Its becoming a problem. I would say I'm a lesbian but I'm afraid that most of them would like that.
Diplomatic as always, GB.
Wow, really? Sounds like the world’s most needed wonder drug. Maybe it’ll eventually create a utopian society run by Amazonian sex fiends. It would beat anything we have going now.
i wonder if it would work on hillary clinton?
Props to billy pilgrim. :)
Wow...those are some big boobs.
Another side effect??
No wonder I like teh buttsecks so much. It's all those wild mangoes I've been consuming..."wild mangoes" is street slang and the code word for "cocaine", right?
Azra: You're right not to pretend you're a lesbian, Miss Azra, that would just excite them. You have a choice between hiring a chaperone or getting some pepper spray.

Kyknoord: Thank you, Sir. I like to think of myself as an ambassador for the hairy fraternity.

Scott: Men would be reduced to the status of drones in such a society, which might please some of them.

Billy: Hilldog isn't fat and her sex drive only appears to be low. Still waters run deep.

Ms Donut: You're one to talk, Ms Donut! Yours are far superior to those ones, of course.

Static: It's a codename for "monkey anus juice". Give it up before your butt is destroyed.
Your experiments on humans are fascinating. Take me, for example. I am almost always able to resist clicking on text links, but I had to click that one.
I had so much to say (okay, maybe just two things) until I saw that last photo. That woman looks so happy that it's almost heartbreaking. Does she realize that's not really Will Smith?
I love how the extract, Irvingia Gabonensis, sounds like some kind of vaginal disease.
I'm reasonably certain I've been slipped some of this by a Spaniard.

I was indeed a danger to myself and my furniture.

And for his balls?

He'll be icing for weeks.

Serves him right.

- B x
Fred Miller: It's all about using the right words in the link, Fred. I hope it didn't disappoint you.

Bschooled: That look in her eyes is amazing, isn't it? A mixture of adoration and lust.

Rachel: It sounds more impressive than chlamydia, eh Rach?

Barreness: Maybe you should try an Italian for a change, Ms B. There's a song called The Mayor of Bayswater's Daughter that explains why.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin