Friday, March 18, 2011
Mango sauce
Africa is full of the most wonderful natural medicines. Our mangoes contain a substance that keeps you trim by speeding up your metabolism, which is far healthier than taking diet pills that make you shit like a horse. It only works for women, though. Men who take it just want to have butt sex.
I used to run a little jungle laboratory that extracted this compound from wild mangoes. It wasn’t for the local women, who get plenty of exercise and prefer being fleshy in any case. I sold it exclusively to the wives of western diplomats living in Brazzaville, never charging them more than I needed to cover my costs. The only profit I wanted was the knowledge that overweight white women were shedding surplus pounds and climbing trees in triumph. Call me sentimental, but that’s the kind of ape I am.
I had to halt this charitable venture after an incident involving British ambassador’s wife, which alerted me to a side effect of the drug. This woman was an attractive former cocktail waitress who had acquired a few too many love-handles in early middle-age. On visiting my tribe in the jungle, she was naturally fascinated by our sleek, firm bodies, bounding energetically through the undergrowth. I agreed to see her at the official residence for further consultations. We took tea in the veranda after I arrived.
“Maybe I’d get into shape if you gave me regular massages,” she suggested.
“Ma’am, I fear that would merely move the surplus tissue from one area to another,” I replied. “What you must do is burn off the fat, and I have just the thing to stoke your fire.”
So I gave her the mango extract, and a few months later all seemed fine and dandy – the woman was slimmer in the waist and tighter in the tenderloins. Then I got a summons from her husband, the ambassador. He didn’t waste time in small talk after I sat down in his office.
“Bananas, you hairy rascal, what the devil have you been giving my wife?!”
I resisted the urge to tweak his nose for that insult. A man whose wife has been taking medication from a gorilla is entitled to express himself forcefully.
“Just a little something to energise her,” I replied. “I shouldn’t discuss my prescriptions with third parties.”
“Third party, my arse!” he barked. “The woman is so insatiable that I have to sleep in the guest room! My balls are aching and she’s threatening to have an affair with the chauffeur!”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. “I won’t give her any more of the substance until we’ve looked into its aphrodisiac properties. In the meantime, I suggest give your chauffeur a month’s leave and order some sex toys.”
Although I no longer produce the drug, others have exploited the gap in the market. It is now available in supermarkets without a doctor’s prescription. For fat women with low sex-drives it is nothing short of a miracle cure, but what about fat women with high sex-drives? Has no one considered the desperate lengths to which they might be driven?
Labels: aphrodisiac, dieting, fat women, female Viagra
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and what of the skinny women with high sex drives who consume this product? will they just spontaneously combust?
what a great product...there is no shortage of potential users here in the colony......
(and that's knowing nothing about their level of sex drive)
(and that's knowing nothing about their level of sex drive)
# posted by 
: Friday, March 18, 2011
: Friday, March 18, 2011
I am a slender woman with a high sex drive. My husband is a fat man with a low sex drive. Is there anything in your jungle laboratory that might correct this imbalance?
There are some roots n herbs here in this part of the world that does the job. No reasons to try yet.
BTW the lead pix is a little disturbing, GB
BTW the lead pix is a little disturbing, GB
Does this explain why the mango is called a man-go? (I don't know why I'm in a pun mood these days. You have that affect on me, GB.)
xoRobyn
xoRobyn
I'm all for a more personal NHS but the doctor in that bottom picture is a mite too informal for my tastes.
Dirtycowgirl: We'll have to find you a tree full of horny men, Ms Cowgirl. It sounds as if an aphrodisiac is the last thing you need.
Kage: They'd go nuts, Ms Kage. They'd be a danger to themselves and their furniture.
Dull boy: Yes, indeed. Who wouldn't want to see big Aussie ladies become more physically active?
Madam Z: Can't you persuade him to take a blue pill, Madam Z? If that doesn't work, I suggest you find a young lover or a new husband.
Jaya: It's good to know you have your own native products, Miss Jaya. The lead picture depicts the "no pain, no gain" motto.
Robyn: Hah! I really never thought of that one, Robyn. I think you might be a natural punster.
Runaway bride: It would prevent the sex strike, Miss Runaway, but they might end up in bed with the chauffeur. These things are difficult to control.
Steve: He's not even looking at the patient while examining her. He must be making eyes at a nurse.
Kage: They'd go nuts, Ms Kage. They'd be a danger to themselves and their furniture.
Dull boy: Yes, indeed. Who wouldn't want to see big Aussie ladies become more physically active?
Madam Z: Can't you persuade him to take a blue pill, Madam Z? If that doesn't work, I suggest you find a young lover or a new husband.
Jaya: It's good to know you have your own native products, Miss Jaya. The lead picture depicts the "no pain, no gain" motto.
Robyn: Hah! I really never thought of that one, Robyn. I think you might be a natural punster.
Runaway bride: It would prevent the sex strike, Miss Runaway, but they might end up in bed with the chauffeur. These things are difficult to control.
Steve: He's not even looking at the patient while examining her. He must be making eyes at a nurse.
Mr. GB, since you're so talented, could you develop a product for women such as myself to get younger guys off our asses? I'm somewhat of a herbivore (with a few carnivorous tendencies) but these predators have made no bones about the fact that they just want my beef. Its becoming a problem. I would say I'm a lesbian but I'm afraid that most of them would like that.
Wow, really? Sounds like the world’s most needed wonder drug. Maybe it’ll eventually create a utopian society run by Amazonian sex fiends. It would beat anything we have going now.
No wonder I like teh buttsecks so much. It's all those wild mangoes I've been consuming..."wild mangoes" is street slang and the code word for "cocaine", right?
Azra: You're right not to pretend you're a lesbian, Miss Azra, that would just excite them. You have a choice between hiring a chaperone or getting some pepper spray.
Kyknoord: Thank you, Sir. I like to think of myself as an ambassador for the hairy fraternity.
Scott: Men would be reduced to the status of drones in such a society, which might please some of them.
Billy: Hilldog isn't fat and her sex drive only appears to be low. Still waters run deep.
Ms Donut: You're one to talk, Ms Donut! Yours are far superior to those ones, of course.
Static: It's a codename for "monkey anus juice". Give it up before your butt is destroyed.
Kyknoord: Thank you, Sir. I like to think of myself as an ambassador for the hairy fraternity.
Scott: Men would be reduced to the status of drones in such a society, which might please some of them.
Billy: Hilldog isn't fat and her sex drive only appears to be low. Still waters run deep.
Ms Donut: You're one to talk, Ms Donut! Yours are far superior to those ones, of course.
Static: It's a codename for "monkey anus juice". Give it up before your butt is destroyed.
Your experiments on humans are fascinating. Take me, for example. I am almost always able to resist clicking on text links, but I had to click that one.
I had so much to say (okay, maybe just two things) until I saw that last photo. That woman looks so happy that it's almost heartbreaking. Does she realize that's not really Will Smith?
I'm reasonably certain I've been slipped some of this by a Spaniard.
I was indeed a danger to myself and my furniture.
And for his balls?
He'll be icing for weeks.
Serves him right.
- B x
I was indeed a danger to myself and my furniture.
And for his balls?
He'll be icing for weeks.
Serves him right.
- B x
Fred Miller: It's all about using the right words in the link, Fred. I hope it didn't disappoint you.
Bschooled: That look in her eyes is amazing, isn't it? A mixture of adoration and lust.
Rachel: It sounds more impressive than chlamydia, eh Rach?
Barreness: Maybe you should try an Italian for a change, Ms B. There's a song called The Mayor of Bayswater's Daughter that explains why.
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Bschooled: That look in her eyes is amazing, isn't it? A mixture of adoration and lust.
Rachel: It sounds more impressive than chlamydia, eh Rach?
Barreness: Maybe you should try an Italian for a change, Ms B. There's a song called The Mayor of Bayswater's Daughter that explains why.
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