Monday, February 28, 2011

Dental gas

I received the following email yesterday: 

Dear Mr Bananas 

I am a partner at the London law firm of A*** & H***, writing on behalf our client, a Mr Matthew Walton. He is a dentist whose career is in jeopardy because of allegations that he maliciously broke wind while treating his patients. 

As a member of a species renowned for its flatulence, I trust you would have sympathy for one who faces ruin simply for performing this natural bodily function. In your wide experience of the activity, you must be intimately aware of its importance to good health and a comfortable bowel. 

We should therefore be most grateful if you would agree to testify as an expert witness in the hearing of the General Dental Council in London. We would, of course, pay your travel and accommodation costs. 

Yours sincerely 

Herbert C*** 

I initially thought this message was a practical joke. Many humans are familiar with the side effects of our healthy vegetarian diet, and quite a few of them enjoy drawing attention to this proclivity in a spirit of humorous banter. Teasing a gorilla by sending him hoax emails is much easier than cheeking him to his face, which most wags find intimidating. This is actually a pity, because we gorillas are quite able to appreciate a joke at our own expense. I would never hang a man upside down by his ankles merely for giving me a good-natured ribbing. 

However, as the message contained the name of lawyer’s purported client, I decided to check its veracity by means of a google search. To my great surprise, I discovered a news report which corroborated the story, although the lawyer had obviously omitted various details unfavourable to his client. 

The evidence suggests that this Matthew Walton farted wantonly in the presence of both patients and colleagues, and was greatly entertained by their disgust at the foul smells he produced. Their complaints merely added to his amusement. 

“He found it funny,” said a nurse at the dental clinic. “If I spoke to him about it, he laughed and did it more.” 

In no way is his behaviour comparable with that of us gorillas, who fart considerately in the open air, and direct our discharges so as to minimise the risk of passive fart inhalation by innocent bystanders (a category which excludes baboons and snakes, who are never innocent). With such issues in mind, I sent the following reply to the presumptuous lawyer: 

Dear Mr C*** 

You are wrong to assume that I would have sympathy for your client. When we gorillas break wind, our gases are quickly diffused in the atmosphere and cause minimal aggravation to our fellow creatures. The practice of letting off in an enclosed space is wholly abhorrent to us. When I am inside a building, I do whatever I can to avoid such a calamity, including opening a window and positioning my backside to face outwards. Your client is obviously a reckless polluter who has no concern for the harm done by his obnoxious emissions. I must therefore decline your request. 

Yours etc 

G Bananas 

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I got my laugh for the day. Hilarious!
Maybe he was just running low on novocain...? Natural methane would produce a considerable cost saving.
if he ends up losing his job, he may wish to take up a career as a lift (elevator) concierge....
i dont think he'd pee, pick his tooth or wank himself in the public, so why go fart around like that, knowing that it disgusts those around him ? i would SO pepper-spray him.
I hope his solicitor's defence to the disciplinary hearing begins "He who smelt it . . ."
My son...15 going on 3 is the same. Thinks it's hilarious as we all run for cover.
Better out than in.
mr walton should take a trip to tralfamadore. farting whilst tap dancing is very acceptable behavior.
Downright unprofessional, that's what it is. Most people have busy schedules and certainly don't want their time wasted while their dentist farts around.
Marnie: Good for you, Marnie! A laugh a day keeps the doctor away.

Steve: There's more to a fart than methane. You need organic gases to produce the ripe bouquet.

Dull boy: Good idea. People need an incentive to use the stairs and get some exercise.

Jaya J: Pepper spray is just what he needs. One spray in his face and another up his butthole would settle his hash.

The Jules: It's a defence that might have worked if he hadn't already confessed with a grin on his fat face.

Nota Bene: You are far too indulgent. At the very least you should spray him with air freshener.

Rachel: Better for whom, Rach? As Spock said, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Billy: I don't see any harm in that if the stage is downwind from the audience and the farts are rapid-fire squeakers.

Kyknoord: It must have seemed even longer than it was. Time passes very slowly when you're being gassed.
I don't the the guy should lose his license - he should just change his diet. Maybe he's lactose intolerant? I don't know, a good dentist is tough to find. I might keep going there, maybe with an open air office, like in Mexico.
That dentist should fart wherever he desires. In an elevator, with strangers and friends, alike. In a car, with family present. Or in a closet, with his pet, Cheetos. Farting is a hobby, best shared with loved ones. As long as the bastard stays the hell away from me with his nasty ass.
I learn so much from you everyday Mr Bananas. I never knew Gorillas were renowned for their...umm....emissions.

I have been tempted myself to try the whole lighting a match while farting thingy.....have u ever tried it GB??
Aaagh. The pleasures of farting in the great outdoors. Especially when pointed upwind on a breezy day. Nothing like the wafting odurs of home brewed methane.

Nose candy for the gods.

As for that dentist farter, perhaps 'Brussel's' should insist he gets a dental filling in his anal cavity..and then drill him a new arsehole somewhere else.
Dr Ken: Maybe he could attach a tube to his butthole and store all the gas in a canister on his back. He might produce enough to heat the clinic for a day.

Kelly: You're forgetting he likes to gas bomb people who hate it the most. He'd follow you all over town to fire one in your face and watch you screw up your nose.

Sabrina: I've never done it myself, Saby, I wouldn't want to start a forest fire. You should definitely try it though - if you've got a good methane content, it will burn with a bright flame. Check this link.

Phil: You've got to produce a lot of gas to make a stink in the great outdoors. Buffalos can do it, but I doubt you've got it in you.
Your right there Kongy. I def cant guff like a buff. No way.

Just to say 'Thank Thou' for the YouTube dance of the flaming arseholes link. Very ammusing. We used to play this in bars when I was a squid. We'd roll up sheets of newpaper stick em you know where, and then set light to them -The best results were always after a good beer and curry night. Some of the resultant burn outs were seriously spectacular and harmful. Real live Iraqi oil well flame outs they were. maybe that's why I've never been able to grow a hairy arsehole to this day.

I am very much in favour of the public fart, and proud to do so - nor do I pretend it wasn't me, I take ownership

Its other people with the problem
Phil: There are some natural jungle ointments you could rub on your orifice to stimulate the dormant follicles.

DCG: That's very honest of you, Ms Cowgirl. Have you read How to fart like a lady?.
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