Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Childhood innocence
A school in Sweden is planning to install a musical toilet for its students. On glancing at the relevant news report, I assumed they were doing it to help constipated children evacuate their bowels. My old circus buddy, Smacker Ramrod, told me how listening to Mozart or Perry Como would relax his sphincter and loosen the granite-like dung clogging up his innards. Given that human kiddies are notorious for not eating their veggies and detesting fibre-rich food, it’s highly plausible that many of them face a life-or-death struggle when attempting to eject their faecal waste. If music can help them poop it out, so much the better.
Yet on studying the news report more carefully, it soon became apparent that constipation was not the problem that inspired this innovation. The purpose of the music, in fact, is to drown out any noises made by the toilet-user. It seems that Swedish children are incredibly embarrassed about the sounds they make and don’t want anyone outside the toilet to hear them. I must say I find this quite astonishing. The human children I encountered in my circus days loved making lavatory noises, which they frequently imitated by sticking out their tongues and blowing. The sound of an authentic fart invariably produced great merriment among them. I have no doubt they would have despised the musical toilet as device for weaklings and cry-babies.
Have human children really changed so much since the days I used to associate with them? Or is there a particular problem with Swedish children, who may have been taught that farting is shameful? There’s a big difference, of course, between getting laughs for an imitation fart and getting laughed at for a real one. But I don’t believe children are born with an embarrassment about breaking wind. This can only be a complex giving to them by adults. I should imagine politically correct Swedish parents are giving their children hard stares and forcing them to apologise for their flatulence. This will be very damaging in the long run. A nation that is ashamed of its farts is a nation of sissies.
If I were a schoolteacher in Sweden, I would tell the children that big animals don’t care about the noises they make when they go to the bathroom. I’ve laughed at elephants shitting, I’ve laughed at hippos shitting, and d’ya know what? They never even looked in my direction. That’s what it means to be a big beast. You do whatever you want and don’t worry about the audience reaction. No amount of cackling and hooting is going to make an elephant feel embarrassed.
Anyone who stands outside a toilet hoping to hear amusing noises is an idiot and a buffoon. That’s really scraping the barrel for cheap laughs. Why go to the trouble of making a musical toilet to thwart such people? You may as well make a toilet that makes continuous fart noises to drown out the sound of fart noises. That, I admit, would be pretty funny.
Labels: farting, Farts, flatulence, human kiddies, mockery, musical toilet
Monday, February 28, 2011
Dental gas
I received the following email yesterday:
Dear Mr Bananas
I am a partner at the London law firm of A*** & H***, writing on behalf our client, a Mr Matthew Walton. He is a dentist whose career is in jeopardy because of allegations that he maliciously broke wind while treating his patients.
As a member of a species renowned for its flatulence, I trust you would have sympathy for one who faces ruin simply for performing this natural bodily function. In your wide experience of the activity, you must be intimately aware of its importance to good health and a comfortable bowel.
We should therefore be most grateful if you would agree to testify as an expert witness in the hearing of the General Dental Council in London. We would, of course, pay your travel and accommodation costs.
Yours sincerely
Herbert C***
I initially thought this message was a practical joke. Many humans are familiar with the side effects of our healthy vegetarian diet, and quite a few of them enjoy drawing attention to this proclivity in a spirit of humorous banter. Teasing a gorilla by sending him hoax emails is much easier than cheeking him to his face, which most wags find intimidating. This is actually a pity, because we gorillas are quite able to appreciate a joke at our own expense. I would never hang a man upside down by his ankles merely for giving me a good-natured ribbing.
However, as the message contained the name of lawyer’s purported client, I decided to check its veracity by means of a google search. To my great surprise, I discovered a news report which corroborated the story, although the lawyer had obviously omitted various details unfavourable to his client.
The evidence suggests that this Matthew Walton farted wantonly in the presence of both patients and colleagues, and was greatly entertained by their disgust at the foul smells he produced. Their complaints merely added to his amusement.
“He found it funny,” said a nurse at the dental clinic. “If I spoke to him about it, he laughed and did it more.”
In no way is his behaviour comparable with that of us gorillas, who fart considerately in the open air, and direct our discharges so as to minimise the risk of passive fart inhalation by innocent bystanders (a category which excludes baboons and snakes, who are never innocent). With such issues in mind, I sent the following reply to the presumptuous lawyer:
Dear Mr C***
You are wrong to assume that I would have sympathy for your client. When we gorillas break wind, our gases are quickly diffused in the atmosphere and cause minimal aggravation to our fellow creatures. The practice of letting off in an enclosed space is wholly abhorrent to us. When I am inside a building, I do whatever I can to avoid such a calamity, including opening a window and positioning my backside to face outwards. Your client is obviously a reckless polluter who has no concern for the harm done by his obnoxious emissions.
I must therefore decline your request.
Yours etc
G Bananas
Labels: dentist, farting, flatulence, lawyer
Friday, September 25, 2009
Natural gas
A geologist at the safari guesthouse tells me that the Earth’s atmosphere once consisted of noxious gases such as methane and ammonia. In effect, our planet was engulfed in a gigantic fart cloud.
“It’s a good thing no one lit a match,” I remark.
“There was no one around to light a match,” he says. “The only living creatures were micro-organisms in the ocean.”
“Just how long ago was this?” I ask through narrowed eyes.
“A billion years or so,” he answers. “And the gases wouldn’t have been combustible, you’ve got your chemistry wrong.”
I wonder silently how the hell he knows what happened a billion years ago. Even someone who had lived that long would have forgotten about it by now. There are very few humans who can remember the Chimpanzees’ Tea Party at London Zoo, which was discontinued in 1972. And his assertion that farty gases are not ignitable is certainly wrong – I have evidence which proves that they are.
A correspondent recently alerted me to a home video made by some college students. The opening scenes, in which a number of malicious hoodlums fart on the faces of their sleeping roommates, are not germane. I apologise for drawing attention to the behaviour of these humanoid skunks, whose lowly character is manifested in the hideous squeaky noises of their emissions. Farts like that are suggestive of a cowardly, sneaky nature. An honest, gorilla-like fart makes a low, rumbling noise.
Towards the end of the video, a couple of young ladies make an appearance and fart rather sweetly. After that, we get to the evidence. In a spirit of scientific inquiry, several fellows apply the naked flame to their flatulence. In each case, the fart burns with hues familiar to anyone who owns a gas cooker. It is the characteristic flame of the combustion of methane, which progresses according to the following chemical reaction:
CH4 + 2O2 = CO2 + 2H2O
Yes, Gorilla Bananas knows his chemistry. Apologies for showing off like this, but after mentioning the geologist’s ill-informed remark I needed to set the record straight. If he is reading this, I hope he is feeling sheepish.
Now the fascinating thing about methane is that it has no smell – the poo-ish odour of the fart is caused by hydrogen sulphide, which is useless as a fuel (although very effective in stink bombs). If someone could find a simple method of separating the flatus into its component gases, college boys and other enthusiasts could develop a thriving cottage industry. As the saying goes, it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good.
The last thing I want to say about farts concerns a pathetic incident involving the Austrian police. It began when a 19-year-old lad called Hansi Sporer broke wind audibly at a music festival. Unfortunately for him, a pair of passing police officers heard the fart and took umbrage, apparently believing it had been discharged specifically to greet their arrival. They then slapped a fine of 50 euros on the boy, complaining that they had been “humiliated”. Did you ever hear of such a pair of sissies? Heaven help the Austrian police if all it takes to break their spirit is a fart. If Hitler were in a grave (rather than scattered in various pieces around Russia), he would surely be turning over in it.
Labels: Farts, flatulence, flatus, Hitler
