Friday, December 10, 2010

Ancient wisdom

Does age make humans wiser? I’ve been pondering this question after reading about Sheila Vogel, an 82-year-old prostitute who shot to fame after being outed as the grandmother of a talent-show contestant. Her silly granddaughter claimed to be “absolutely devastated”, even though it could hardly have been news to her. She ought to have said that she was proud to have a grandmother whom men would pay for sex. There are times in life when the only honourable option is brazen defiance. 

When I told the manager of the safari camp about Ms Vogel’s exploits, he nodded in solemn appreciation. 

“She must have her tits screwed on,” he remarked. 

For once, I had to agree with him. A sex worker of 82 who can charge her clients £250 an hour must be a shrewd old bird. Then I read something which caused me to have second thoughts. It seems that Ms Vogel has publicly stated that she’d be happy to party with Wagner, the moustachioed Brazilian singer who looks like Zorro’s ugly uncle. I make no judgements about her preferences. I’ve seen enough of life to know that one woman’s slimy slug is another woman’s gossamer-winged butterfly. What isn’t very clever is admitting to fancying the multiple-chinned minstrel before agreeing a fee with him. Her bargaining position has been irreparably damaged, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Wagner turned up on her doorstep expecting to be serviced gratis. 

Ms Vogel’s behaviour reminds me of a fable told by Old Melonhead, the semi-mythical ape later copied by Aesop. It’s about a female spider who is visited by two male suitors. The first one approaches her timidly and gently taps one of her hairy legs. 

“If you mate with me I’ll let you eat me afterwards,” he says. 

“You loser!” cries the female. “Do you think I have to let you into my pants if I want to eat you?!” 

She then pounces on the hapless male and sucks out his innards until nothing remains but an empty husk. After kicking it contemptuously into the undergrowth, she sees the second suitor swagger up to her with a cocky expression on his face. 

“I’ll only mate with you if you make me a web, lie down in the middle of it, and let me tie down your legs,” he says. 

“Hmm,” thinks the female. “He’s an arrogant little prick, but I can’t deny he’s got balls. I wonder what kinky stuff he’s got in mind?” 

So she agrees to his terms and sets about making a web, while the male rests leisurely on a twig. When the web is finished, she lies down on her back in the middle of it, allowing the male to bind her legs. He then proceeds to probe her sexual opening with his palps, causing her to moan ecstatically until she shudders to a devastating climax. 

“That was so wonderful I could feel the web shake!” gasps the female. “What are you going to do now?” 

“Eat you,” replies the male. “And I’m not talking about oral sex.” 

The moral of the story is not to undervalue yourself if you want to be the diner rather than the dinner. I think Ms Vogel should charge Wagner £500 an hour. 

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Never mind her bargaining stance with Wagner himself, her reputation must be seriously damaged by admitting that greasy mexicans turn her on.
Everyone knows they dine and dash.

Oh casual racism...
I never knew spider sex was so erotic
All I've got is: Ewwww! I'm glad she's not my grandma.
With a face like Wagner's, perhaps he should be paying her 500
euww all round...
That picture of Mrs. Vogel (shudder) reminds me of a guy I used to work with. (I think it's the shoes.)

I wonder what Mr. Vogel gets up to of a weekend? (On second thought, I don't want to know.)

Spiders. Yuck. Most of 'em eat their webs, eh? And you know where those webs have been.
I'd have to double bag that dude AND tape his mouth shut, for fear he may speak.
“She must have her tits screwed on,” he remarked...

As opposed to having her tits screwed off? Amzing thing, plastic surgery.
Le Dyke: Wagner is Brazilian, but what makes you think Mexicans dine and dash? I thought only men from the Baltic states were famous for that.

Nursemyra: It's the danger that makes it exciting, Nursie.

Robyn: Perish the thought that a grandmother of yours would indulge in such un-kosher activities, Robyn.

The Wolf: Neither of them is pretty in the conventional sense, but I agree that Wagner should pay for it. He wouldn't respect a woman who gave it to him free.

David: Are you talking about the humans or the spiders?

Doctorboogaloo: Could the man you worked with have charged 250 an hour? There's an interesting spider picture at the end of this post.

Martyrmom: Have you heard him sing, Martyrmom? Many women say their legs turn to jelly when they hear him sing.

Steve: If she's had work done on her, it certainly doesn't show. Give the plastic surgeon credit for that.
with advances in medicine they say 82 is the new 65.

party on dudette!
I'd do 'er.
Funny! My son was in a club in Bristol last night. Wagner and Katie Thingy were both due to sing, but Wagner didn't show up.

Now, we know where he was! Shacked up with Mrs V!

And I echo Ewwww!
A wonderful moral after a happy ending. I was hoping that the male spider would pull that turnaround on the female. Serves her hairy legged ass right.

Btw, the sight of that 82 year lady showing off her fine physique made me so horny I had to reschedule my jack off time. Darn you, GB. Now, my timing is all thrown off.

That Wagner fella has a bad case of "pussy face". He be one ugly son of o' bitch, for sure.
If ya got it, flaunt it, I say.
Billy: Yes, I think she must feel like she's 65. Her vagina probably feels even younger.

Fred: A sentiment which does you credit. I hope she'd only charge you a nominal fee.

Tiny Temper: Wagner didn't turn up for a concert? What an arrogant arse! He probably thinks he has millions of fans because he's been on TV. Little does he realise that most viewers saw him as a comedy act.

Kelly: You could get back to your old wanking schedule by missing the next wank. Try reading a political memoir to take your mind off it. Henry Kissinger's are pretty effective. Your balls will thank you for the rest.

Robert: Only her gynaecologist really knows whether she's still got it. I'd be fascinated to read his case notes.
Truest line ever written, “I’ve seen enough of life to know that one [person’s] slug is another [person’s] gossamer-winged butterfly.

This friend of mine from high school used to love ugly girls. He was a decent looking kid too, but he only had eyes for the grenades. Love is blind, deaf and dumb.
"He then proceeds to probe her sexual opening with his palps, causing her to moan ecstatically until she shudders to a devastating climax....."

Thank God they didn't have stories like this when I was a kid, I probably wouldn't have been able to hold out as long as I did.

(Grade six, in case you were wondering.)
Love the fairy tale :- ) Especially the detailed insect sex, and the punchline! :-) This post is a keeper, and a reminder that in your field, you're still incomparable :)
corection: spider not an insect :- )
I love looking at this blog. I think I'm a worldly kind of chap who's been around the block a few times, but, GB, you never cease to amaze me with the human interest stories you can dig up.

Frankly I am astounded that there is a market for an 82 year old prostiute, particularly an ugly one, but there's nowt as queer as folk I suppose.
Funny I found the spider sex quite a bit more appealing than either of them and I really hate spiders.
Scott: He sounds like an interesting fellow. Maybe their gratitude touched his heart.

Hot girl: Hello, Hot girl! Are you referring to Ms Vogel or Wagner?

Bschooled: Hold out from having sex yourself? I see the story as a warning against bondage rather than an encouragement to promiscuity.

Anonymous: Thank you, Anonymous friend! Pressing the Name/URL button would enable you to attach a name to your comment.

Jon: She's on the books of an agency that caters for men who like 'em wrinkly and well-seasoned. It has a catchy name which I've forgotten.

DGNY: Hello there! I'm glad to have ameliorated your arachnophobia in some small way.
Yes I did hear what he called singing and that was another reason for the tape.....blech
Hah! I haven't heard him sing and I don't need to. But I still think you're a harsh judge.
OMG where did you get my pic?
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