Monday, March 09, 2009

Our six-legged friends

Richard Gere feels guilty about slaughtering thousands of cockroaches in New York City. As a practising Buddhist, he is ashamed that he failed to “respect the life of an insect”, as the Dalai Lama has decreed. Perhaps his conscience would be lighter if he’d eaten the bugs rather than leaving their squashed carcasses for the crows to peck. Insects, of course, must be devoured. In their heart of hearts they know this themselves. Unable to practice birth control, they would otherwise multiply into gigantic swarms before feeding on each other. The kindest thing one can do is give them a merciful death by biting their heads off.

As a gorilla, I have eaten tens of thousands of insects. Does that make me a “bad Buddhist”, as Mr Gere seems to think? My hairy arse it does. I have never felt the slightest animosity towards any of the bugs I’ve snacked on. As they were valiant, I honour them; but as they were nutritious, I slew them. For every thousand I consumed, another million were hatched from their eggs. Mr Gere has confused respecting a life form with allowing it to procreate into a plague of biblical proportions. He should study the scriptures more carefully before advancing his pious opinions. I’m not going to take lessons in Karma from the man who exposed his todger in American Gigolo.

Bill Gates is an altogether more enlightened man. He has none of Mr Gere's mawkish concern for insects, having devoted a considerable portion of his fortune to the eradication of the mosquito.
Rachel Noy, the brainy Essex girl, has been following the tycoon’s philanthropic work with interest. Apparently, he released a bottle of the little buzzers at a conference to make a point. It was a brilliantly conceived stunt. People understand the importance of pest control much better when their bodies are covered with itchy spots. Is it any wonder that red-hot chicks like Rachel find the activities of Mr Gates infinitely more compelling than the sentimental musings of a narcissistic actor?

Let the record show that Gorillas Bananas is no wanton destroyer of creepy crawlies. Only last week, I humanely disposed of a spider at the safari guesthouse. I was about to retire for the night after my shift at the bar, when a woman in a dressing gown emerged from her room.

“Hey, Mr Bananas, there’s a spider in my bathroom!” she cried. “The horrible thing is making a web on the ceiling. Get rid of it for me, will ya!”

She was a middle-aged American lady with a similar voice to the actress Elaine Stritch.

“Can’t it wait until morning?” I said yawning. “If you close the bathroom door I promise it won’t sneak into your bedroom.”

“No it can’t wait!” she cried. “I want to have a shower before I go to bed and I’m not getting naked in front of that big hairy thing!”

“You're afraid it might get ideas and try to mate with your big toe?” I asked wryly.

“Hey smartass, I’m a guest here!” she barked. “You’re supposed to be helpful!”

“Lead me to the unwanted intruder,” I said with a sigh. There was no point reasoning with a woman in that sort of mood.

When we entered the bathroom, I observed that her statement regarding the spider’s position had been accurate. However, the long arms and quick hands of a gorilla possessed full spectrum dominance in this enclosed battle-space. I scooped the miniature monster into a nearby bucket, which I then continuously jiggled to stop it from scaling the pail. With the woman’s fulsome praise ringing in my ears, I emptied the contents of the bucket out of the bathroom window. Defenestration does not injure arthropods, and I assume it wandered away into the African night.

“I thought you’d just stomp on it,” said the grateful guest. “Isn’t that what you gorillas do?”

“Madam, you misjudge us,” I replied. “Stomping on arachnids is not in our nature, even inasmuch as the evildoers in their ranks would deserve such an ignoble fate.”

I bowed and left for my room.

So you see, the gorilla philosophy is live and let live: we are merciful in bathroom warfare and kill not except in judgment. And hunger, obviously.

I apologise to my lady readers for this picture, but some horrors
must be shared rather than kept to oneself.

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I wish you *had* kept that last little horror to yourself, Mr. B. I have just been regaled with Australian arachnid anecdotes along similar storylines, and the picture makes them goosebumpingly graphic in my mind.

Still, a good job on pointing out the spiritual silliness of a hair-brained man. Gere would benefit greatly from your understanding of his scriptures. Perhaps you should place a call to him next.
Ahhh the delightful Mr Gere, the human gerbil exercise machine.

I'm afraid anything he puts his weight behind will only come back and bite him in the arse.
How do you think the Dalai Lama feels about head lice? Because I've tried tempting them off my kids' heads with offers of salvation, 72 virgins and what not and they're just not biting. Well, they are. But they're biting the kids.
Should I refer their school to Buddhism as the reason I have not de-loused the children?
Eeek, what a hideous picture! Least you could have done was airbrush the nipple out....
I've a feeling you've been taken in by a faked spidertit picture, GB. I detect a screen between arachnid and aureole.

BTW, where's Dr Maroon? An engineer's touch would help here.
Are coconut shrimp considered insects? I like them with pineapple chutney.
Displaying that final picture may look like a mean thing to do, but it's actually aversion therapy of the highest order and many women will you for it when they'll recovered!
you possess "full spectrum dominance"?

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear bomb-attack, I've heard, without any requirements for a nuclear blast-proof bunker.

Rimi: Thank you, Miss Rimi. Gere may come to me for instruction whenever he wants, but I'm not going to seek him out. I hope you have someone who can deal spiders for you.

Mr Bastard: He should listen to your warning. I'm sure he'd hate to have his pristine arse disfigured.

Woman in Black: You could try, but they might not believe you. You may have to shave their heads in Buddhist monk style.

Red Squirrel: I never airbrush pictures. I though you might have found it erotic.

Inkspot: It looks real enough to me, but I will defer to your greater expertise in such matters. Dr Maroon is possibly in Africa.

XL: Shrimps are closer to spiders, but they're certainly very appetising.

Gadjo: Aversion therapy? You mean some women are addicted to having spiders crawl over their boobies?

Nursemyra: Do you like to be dominated, Nursie?

Sidhu: That's good to hear. The survivors of a nuclear war will at least have something to eat.
That's one hell of a bite inflicted by that little old spider. Best she gets some antiseptic on it pretty soon.
I recently posted about keeping a 'pet' spider in my kitchen. It was when the snow came to the UK in early February, and I felt it would be cruel to put the beast outside in the freezing temperatures. Unfortunately last week I came home to find that my cat had met my pet spider. Now I have one less pet. The cat, on the other hand, was very proud of herself. x
I hope that pic IS photoshopped...
Well done, GB. The spider is our friend. It eats up all the nasties, such as flies and what not. I for one hope that last picture is not the result of photo-tomfoolery. One should never knock a photo of a breast
Ooh, is that picture the next installment of Bill Gates' stunt? Spiders eat mosquitos, so spiders + nipples = less malaria?

Hm. I feel itchy.

Thanks for putting me next to Richard Gere, Mr Gates, and nipple spiders, couldn't have much better company apart from maybe yourself, Darwin and a bottle of absinthe.
If the spider has a friend they would make a fine pair of pasties for goth burlesque Dita von Teese.
Posts about spiders seem to plague blogopedia, I guess it's the time of the year when humans and gorillas start taking notice of them.

That last photo freaked me out. The spider would look much better on one of Madonna's poined bras, that's if they have to frequent that area at all.
Defenestration, I love this word. I love spiders too. That last pic is just amazing, I love that too. Too much love! :D

It's difficult to say something sensible in praise of your genius! You rock man!

You had to crop the Gere pic didnt you :(

Im pretty good with spiders but Im afraid if I woke up with one like that crawling across my chest, Im not sure the arm's length spider catcher would do me much good.
So glad the spider was allowed out to live his little life.

Cow happy that Gorilla sees the worth in every creature...

Dirty Rat: I don't think the spider can believe its eyes.

Kitty: Spiders make very bad pets. They're too shy.

Ms Smack: Some women have unusual pleasures, Ms Smack!

Emerson: It's a genuine breast which has learned to appreciate a silky touch. Perhaps the spider is really Woman's best friend.

Rachel: Not squeamish about spiders, Rach? Playing all those violent computer games must have toughened you up! Thanks for mentioning me in the same breath as Charles Darwin, the great father of primate brotherhood.

Kate: Are you suggesting Dita would eat them, Kate? Maybe she's even madder than she looks.

Polly: It might injure itself on a pointed bra, Polly. It actually looks quite scared of that nipple.

Nothingman: Thank you, my friend. If you're bursting with too much love, I suggest you do a few good deeds to relieve the pressure.

Mrs Cake: I didn't crop that picture, but I would have done if his crown jewels had been on display. The peacock's tail is overrated, but the peacock's cock is just another cock. Aren't you curious about what it feels like to be stroked by a spider?

Topiary Cow: Thank you, Ms Cow, I was glad to send it on its way.
I feel the urge to buy some insects just so that I can invite you round for a quiet midnight feast. Does this make me a bad buddist too? Or just a good opportunist?
It seems your American visitor had cause for worry if this is what one can expect from a hairy spider! And yet both seem to be healthy specimens... I can't stop looking at it.
A very excellent post. Many thanks.

I've never liked Mr. Gere, always had a soft spot for Elaine Strich and enjoy the word defenstatration when used in conjunction with spiders.

Really, a great read. Thanks again.
I am a vegetarian but not a buddhist. Gere and the Dalai Lama are buddhist but not vegetarians. I wouldn't worry too much about their opinion. The Dalai is very fond of chicken, eating it, that is. ~Mary
Great, now I have to get a spider proof bra!
I have watched those survivor man type shows, where they show how eating grubs and other bugs can save your life. I always think the same thing. I guess I am going to die.
My primitive brain is shrieking "Flee, flee!" while my calm and rational brain is reassuring me it's just a picture.

Nope. Fleeing is winning.
re your comment about domination - only by simian men
Madame Defarge: I would be tempted to join you even without the lure of the insects, Madame D.

Ana: It's visually stunning, isn't it? I'm surprised it hasn't been displayed at some famous exhibition.

Ram: Thank you, Sir. I'm very pleased to hear that you're a fan of Elaine Stritch.

FrankandMary: Hello Mary. I heard that the Dalai ate meat on alternate days and I found it surprising. I hope you continue on your more abstemious path.

Beverly: Humans actually find insects very tasty when they're cooked and seasoned. Maybe you should try a grasshopper first.

Sam: It's often the right thing to do with spiders, Sam.

Nursemyra: I'm glad to hear it, Nursie! I shall fantasize about pinning you against a tree trunk.
killing bugs never bothered me...walked into a house once, sat down and had a cockroach crawl up my sleeve...he had to die...and i learned to sit only on wood chairs in homes i didn't foster son was deathly (and i mean deathly) afraid of spiders so whenever he went running through the house screaming i went in the other direction to kill whatever was's a part of life...and death...
Would it have bitten you - given the chance, or is there some special dispensation for gorillas?
A gorilla who knows how to handle spiders is sooo sexy
wow, I HAD to save that pic. it had my eyes almost popping ;-)
Didn't know gorillas killed "in judgement". Not sure what that means. I liked the pic although I've found that most chicks who have unconventional "pets" are a strange uncouth lot.
I used to hate spiders. Thanks for the cure...
I was in a lift with a rather unkempt human once, and I noted he had a German cockroach on his collar.

He was like a really downmarket version of Worzel Gummidge.

Unfortunately, because we were in a lift, tradition dictates that one must not say a word so I couldn't ask him if it was a pet or not.
i take this to mean you're not vegetarian. good. i hate vegetarians. except for the ones i don't. but i want to. nothing i can do about that.
Daisy: You sound like one of the great human insect-slayers. I wish I'd been around to eat up all bugs you caught.

Pi: Spiders instinctively know not to mess with the Daddy.

Lulu: In that case, Lulu, you'd better let me know when one crawls up your leg.

Eve: Use it with care!

Chef Troll: It means we look at the facts of each case before bringing the fist crashing down. I would be open to friendship with any woman with a pet spider.

Life with dogs: They're really quite lovable, aren't they?

The Jules: I would have let convention be damned and asked him anyway. Why pass up the opportunity for a snack?

Kara: Only insects, Missy, not meat. I'll bite you if you want, but no eating.
I always wonder how the people who bray about the sanctity of all life justify killing the parasites that cause schistosomiasis, say, or malaria. And yet those creatures are animals too, just like cockroaches.

Good for you for not stomping on spiders, though. Spiders eat cockroaches. They're welcome to camp out in my bathroom whenever they like.
Am I the only one who find the combination of sex and danger slightly arousing...?
1)Richard Gere is an ass.

2)That photograph is freaking me out. I hate, hate bugs. I may never sleep again.
I figure it this way: since some scientists claim that cockroaches will still be around when humans are extinct (I don't know about apes) killing a few thousand or million or billion probably won't hurt a damned thing.
Richard Gere has cockroaches in his house? With his money he could afford a cleaner.
I'm glad you came to see me so that I returned the visit. Great blog. I'm with you on your view of Richard Gere (albeit he does much good). My view as a Buddhist is that if it's trying to suck my blood (also applies to vampires) or kill me - I will kill it, but without joy. I too eat meat, like HIs Holiness, as I get anemia without it.

I will be back, you have a wicked sense of humour! Well done.
Am I the only one who find the combination of sex and danger slightly arousing...?

No Mr Mutts, I think I'm a bit kinky too..
I am glad about that Ms Scarlet - shall we get a room?
Mary: You're very generous to spiders, Mary, but the ones in your bathroom ought to get defenestrated. They don't really understand how wet things can get in there.

Mutley: No, but you're not necessarily in the best company.

Trish: Heh! Maybe I could cure you of your phobia, Trish!

Saintly Nick: Quite right, their breeding capacity is enormous.

Lady MacLeod: Welcome, Ma'am. I agree that there are things one cannot tolerate in the name of pacifism. May your mind be serene.

Scarlet: Don't encourage him, Miss Scarlet, he wears lime green underpants!
I played volleyball with a spider was the ball...

I always felt bad about that...

Tee hee!! I didn't hear Mr Mutts coming from behind...
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