Monday, September 27, 2010

Godiva and Gaga

I am going to instruct our local witch doctor to put a voodoo curse on the taxi driver who drove to a police station after a woman took her clothes off in his cab. Even a taxi driver should be capable of a little more sensitivity. Admittedly, voluptuous 29-year-old Jennifer Gille did also steal the vehicle, but only after the driver had absconded on arriving at the station. A man who is too cowardly to witness an arrest that he himself has instigated deserves what he gets. 

How would you have reacted if Ms Gille had stripped off in a cab you were driving? I take the view that such behaviour is usually a cry for help. Rather than dumping her on the police, I would have attempted to soothe her disquiet and address her legitimate concerns. 

“Madam,” I would have said, “your current state of undress is plainly the consequence of an agitated mind. What say I bring you a cup of coffee from yonder café, that we may discuss your aspirations in a civilised manner? Nudity is far more likely to yield a satisfactory outcome when combined with friendly negotiation. You will forgive me for taking the car keys with me.” 

As it was, the woman was arrested and must now face the humiliation of a courtroom appearance, where she will no doubt be lectured by a supercilious judge, while enduring the indecent smirks of the lackeys who attend such proceedings. Never was a fare-paying passenger so cruelly rewarded for exposing her assets. 

Truth be told, these are stressful times for women of all classes and persuasions. Even mega-stars such as Lady Gaga are feeling emotionally and sartorially vulnerable. The eccentric diva has attracted much comment for wearing a dress made of meat, but it seems that this was merely a ruse to divert attention from deeper insecurities. I say this because a former female assistant of Gaga has revealed that her boss couldn’t bear to spend the night apart from her. The fact that the assistant was married did not deter Gaga in the slightest. She would send text messages to her employee's husband saying: 

“Can your wife stay with me tonight?” 

For some reason, the husband rarely attempted to interpose his veto. Perhaps he was intimidated by Gaga’s status and wealth, or maybe he was flattered by her interest in his spouse. Whatever the whyfores and wherefores, his wife spent more time in her boss’s bed than his own. 

Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I should emphasize that there was no sexual motive in any of this – Gaga was simply frightened of sleeping alone and wanted to snuggle up to a girlfriend. It seems that her bold and brassy image is merely a front for a timid little girl who’s afraid of the Bogeyman. If she ever visits the Congo, I’ll be sure to introduce her to my females so they can soothe her girlish anxieties. There are few safer places to rest your head than the hairy bosom of a female gorilla.

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Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow.
wow im shocked to hear gaga is insecure
Why, oh why..was that not a photo of a delicious naked man pumping gas?
It is scary to sleep alone, especially when you've spent your day layered in meat. Stripping down alone after that just doesn't work. So I imagine.
Am I like the only person in the world who doesn't give a Flying Rat Ass about Lady Gaga is/isn't doing? No wonder this poor woman stripped in the taxi, she probably just wanted some attention on her for a change.
Don't worry Robert, the only thing I really cared about was that she sang with Elton John... then my infatuation was over.
hello my beautiful hairy Gorilla=) I agree... the cowardly taxi driver has no balls whatsoever. Once again your insight is superb. You should write in and help them both out. As for gaga's outfit... I hope she donated that to some poor person afterward... doesn't she know there are still starving children out there. I miss madonna
haha, awesome post. "There are few places more comforting than a female gorilla bosom."

I think you've also stumbled upon a career for fat, hairy human women.

Gaga is crazy, if she was roaming around in the wild in that meat dress, she'd be ripped to shred, if she swam, she'd be eaten by sharks.

However if she sun bathed, she'd be coated in steak, which is just plain sexy.
I hate former assistants who "tell all"
Natalia: I won't disagree with you, Natalia, although perhaps some people need it more than others. When are you going to invite me to this secret blog of yours?

Paige: Yes, who would have thunk it?

Robyn: If a man had stripped off in a taxi I would have been happy to oblige, Robyn. I wonder if Gaga let her dog lick her after taking off the meat dress.

Robert: I had no idea who she was a year ago, but then she somehow burst into my consciousness like a yelping female hyena.

Auri: Hello Auri! I would be happy to advise Ms Gille, but the taxi drive should simply apologise. Madonna is still active isn't she? Last thing I heard she was dating a lad called Jesus.

Alpha Za: She'd have to barbecue herself for those who like their steaks well done. Maybe she should have done a strip tease for an audience of hungry lions.

Nursemyra: I agree Nursie, although her revelations weren't that bad for Lady G.
Idea for her next album's name:

Lion Porn.

Africa get's really hot, I'm sure it'll get well done in a jiffy, particularly if she spends her nights under award show lights papparazii flash bulbs.
I stumbled upon your blog after a friend recommended it and indeed I'm better for the recommendation! hilarious stuff!
a more imaginative taxi driver would have stripped himself and driven into a discreet alley... the outcome would have been more pleasant for both
*cough* *hauk* *hauK* *spit*(sorry hairballs)
think I'll hang out for a while if my gentle heart will hold out!!
what a wonder Monday it has turned out to be!!
I expect the lady's taking all her clothes off was a cry "for God's sake turn the heating down."
The husband is wasting away the chance to Gaga up his bedroom? I know she's weird and all... but opportunity is opportunity, meat dress or not.
Alpha Za: Our native carnivores prefer it raw anyway.

Ivana: Hello and welcome, Ivana! I'm glad you're enjoying the blog. The taxi driver clearly didn't deserve what Jennifer was offering. Whatever it was.

Martyrmom: Hello and welcome, Martyrmom, glad you're having a good day in spite of the cough! Let me know if you need a lozenge or something.

Kevin: I'm sure the driver was too mean to turn on the air conditioning. She really ought to sue that fellow for all the mischief he's done.

Zelig: You're right! I'm not sure Gaga wanted a threesome, but there was nothing to stop him from asking.
You would have jumped her bones guerilla warfare style.
Well if the lady in question looked like Sophia Vergara, i would pull over and have my way with her! In a heartbeat! But i would gag her mouth cos her accent really is a turn off
it's nice to see a svelte young lady near her prime shed her clothes. all too often it's the more mature portly types who give us a show.

well done ms gille!
I am Gaga for a meat can eat it off their body. That is so hawt!
I too have removed my clothes in a taxi, though I did ask permission first. Perhaps that was young Jennifer's mistake.

Re. Gaga's publicity stunt: surely meat wasn't real? She would have been crawling with maggots within hours. I'm not sure that would have had the same impact.
On the basis that the customer is always right, I would have taken my clothes off as well.
I can rarely afford taxis, so suspect that taking my clothes off would be an attempt to pay the poor drive in kind. Kind of what, I don't know, but it may be worth a few pounds.
Ms Vodka: What kind of ape do you take me for, Ms Vodka?

Sabrina: I bet she'd enjoy it more if you gagged her, Saby. You could put an apple in her mouth to make it really intense.

Billy Pilgrim: Let's hope she gets a lot of cards from well-wishers. Hef ought to pay her legal costs.

Static: Swallowing raw meat would spoil your appetite for the flesh below, hombre. Your eyes are bigger than your stomach.

Jon: Gaga says the meat was real, but not everyone believes her. I wouldn't believe it unless I saw her being chased by dogs.

Birdwatcher: But if you became another customer, who would drive the cab?

Madame Defarge: There isn't a taxi grand enough for your disrobed person, Madame D. I would recommend a sedan with curtains.
Actually i think i would enjoy the gagging as well.....and the apple....:p
i'm just.

i'm just so.


marry me?
I'm pretty sure Gaga is a man in drag - if you look closely you can see her adams apples. She wouldn't be the first red blooded lech who pretended to be a lady so he could snuggle up to comely wenches using that tired old chat up line 'I'm afraid of the dark can I sleep with you?'
Is this for REAL? LMAO
Perhaps, like me, the poor woman was an insecure anorexic who was under the impression that her body was ugly? Not that I ever stripped off in a taxi but, with my passion for HNT, Im hardly in any position to start pointing fingers...

Part of my insecurity also meant that I did not like to sleep alone in the house. However, the public nakedness led to an epiphany that sees me enjoying that blessed state these days.

Clearly Gaga's rather unusual extrovert behaviour is just her way of trying to shake the demons so that she doesn't have to keep soliciting assistants.
Sabrina: It would look very kinky if you both had apples in your mouths, Saby. I hope you'd let me watch!

Ms Bluntdelivery: You bet! We'll have a jungle wedding and my females will be your bridesmaids!

Emma: Apparently they also took showers together, so if Gaga's really a man she must be a true master of disguise.

Annah: Hello and welcome, Annah. Everything here is 100% factual!

Joanna: I think what she did is way beyond HNT, Joanna. Only a hardcore exhibitionist strips off in a public places and drive around naked. There's a picture of her in the link, and she doesn't look very anorexic to me.
My first response to the cab-incident was: that's so sad.

But it's nothing in comparison to Gaga's meat dress. And as a vegetarian I can say that.

She must have reeked pretty badly at the MTV Awards by the way. And think of the juicy patches she must have left on every chair she sat on...
Personally, I think it's advertising cruelty and killing for no good reason. But if you're into that kind of thing, check this out:
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