Monday, September 27, 2010
Godiva and Gaga
How would you have reacted if Ms Gille had stripped off in a cab you were driving? I take the view that such behaviour is usually a cry for help. Rather than dumping her on the police, I would have attempted to soothe her disquiet and address her legitimate concerns.
“Madam,” I would have said, “your current state of undress is plainly the consequence of an agitated mind. What say I bring you a cup of coffee from yonder café, that we may discuss your aspirations in a civilised manner? Nudity is far more likely to yield a satisfactory outcome when combined with friendly negotiation. You will forgive me for taking the car keys with me.”
As it was, the woman was arrested and must now face the humiliation of a courtroom appearance, where she will no doubt be lectured by a supercilious judge, while enduring the indecent smirks of the lackeys who attend such proceedings. Never was a fare-paying passenger so cruelly rewarded for exposing her assets.
Truth be told, these are stressful times for women of all classes and persuasions. Even mega-stars such as Lady Gaga are feeling emotionally and sartorially vulnerable. The eccentric diva has attracted much comment for wearing a dress made of meat, but it seems that this was merely a ruse to divert attention from deeper insecurities. I say this because a former female assistant of Gaga has revealed that her boss couldn’t bear to spend the night apart from her. The fact that the assistant was married did not deter Gaga in the slightest. She would send text messages to her employee's husband saying:
“Can your wife stay with me tonight?”
For some reason, the husband rarely attempted to interpose his veto. Perhaps he was intimidated by Gaga’s status and wealth, or maybe he was flattered by her interest in his spouse. Whatever the whyfores and wherefores, his wife spent more time in her boss’s bed than his own.
Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I should emphasize that there was no sexual motive in any of this – Gaga was simply frightened of sleeping alone and wanted to snuggle up to a girlfriend. It seems that her bold and brassy image is merely a front for a timid little girl who’s afraid of the Bogeyman. If she ever visits the Congo, I’ll be sure to introduce her to my females so they can soothe her girlish anxieties. There are few safer places to rest your head than the hairy bosom of a female gorilla.
Labels: female insecurity, hairy bosoms, Lady Gaga, witch doctor
Friday, June 04, 2010
Women need testosterone
A Dutch professor has persuaded young women to take testosterone tablets in the cause of scientific inquiry. Apparently it made them less trusting of men’s faces, which he argued was a beneficial effect. I suppose it might compensate them for growing hair on their bosoms, which is a small price to pay to avoid being deceived by a wily rogue.
Is it possible for a man to have a trustworthy face? Two often cited examples are Henry Fonda in Twelve Angry Men and Sidney Poitier in Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. Men like that wouldn’t peek in the bedroom mirror if Catherine Deneuve were in the bathroom with the door wide open, soaping her glistening thighs with a fragrant shower gel. Yet were their faces inherently reliable or did it just seem that way because of their righteous behaviour? What if Henry Fonda had voted to hang the kid (who was probably a repugnant oik in spite of his innocence)? Those baby blue eyes of his might have seemed a lot more icy.
When I was in the circus, there was a snaggletoothed handyman with bushy eyebrows that met in the middle of his forehead. Nobody trusted him and he was shunned by women. I decided to make him my henchman.
“Ethelred,” I said (for that was his name). “I am giving you the spare key to the trunk in my trailer, which contains valuables such as gold coins, precious jewels, silk pantaloons and nose-hair clippers. Should I misplace my key, I will ask you for the duplicate.”
Ethelred tugged his forelock and bowed. When people expressed surprised at my patronage of him, I gave them the following explanation:
“Like Jesus, we gorillas are magnanimous to misfits and pariahs. I am confident that Ethelred will be as loyal as a hound dog. And besides, he reminds me of an uncle of mine.”
My trust in Ethelred was not misplaced and helped to ease his exclusion from the society of his fellow humans. He ended up marrying a pretty girl who worked in the meat-processing industry. Some people claimed she had a Bride-of-Frankenstein complex, but that was probably sour grapes.
Different rules apply to women and gorillas, of course. Human females have good reason to be wary of strange men, whatever their appearance. I was disturbed of hear of a conman in Cornwall who swindled large sums of money from women he met on a dating site. His resemblance to Buster Bloodvessel did not impair his powers of persuasion.
“When I met him I thought he looked like Shrek,” said Sarah Terry, a 42-year-old divorcee. “But we had so much to talk about, and he was so interested in me that, to my surprise, I found him very attractive.”
One has to pity Ms Terry, although she is partly to blame for not getting a chaperone to screen her suitors. It is a task I have performed for several women in whom I have an avuncular concern. Asking for bank statements and DNA samples usually scares off the scoundrels immediately. As for the honest men, promising them a sound thrashing if they misbehave is good for their souls. The innocent have nothing to fear, as we say in the jungle.
Labels: Bride-of-Frankenstein complex, chaperone, hairy bosoms, testosterone
