Friday, June 04, 2010

Women need testosterone

A Dutch professor has persuaded young women to take testosterone tablets in the cause of scientific inquiry. Apparently it made them less trusting of men’s faces, which he argued was a beneficial effect. I suppose it might compensate them for growing hair on their bosoms, which is a small price to pay to avoid being deceived by a wily rogue.

Is it possible for a man to have a trustworthy face? Two often cited examples are Henry Fonda in Twelve Angry Men and Sidney Poitier in Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. Men like that wouldn’t peek in the bedroom mirror if Catherine Deneuve were in the bathroom with the door wide open, soaping her glistening thighs with a fragrant shower gel. Yet were their faces inherently reliable or did it just seem that way because of their righteous behaviour? What if Henry Fonda had voted to hang the kid (who was probably a repugnant oik in spite of his innocence)? Those baby blue eyes of his might have seemed a lot more icy.

When I was in the circus, there was a snaggletoothed handyman with bushy eyebrows that met in the middle of his forehead. Nobody trusted him and he was shunned by women. I decided to make him my henchman.

“Ethelred,” I said (for that was his name). “I am giving you the spare key to the trunk in my trailer, which contains valuables such as gold coins, precious jewels, silk pantaloons and nose-hair clippers. Should I misplace my key, I will ask you for the duplicate.”

Ethelred tugged his forelock and bowed. When people expressed surprised at my patronage of him, I gave them the following explanation:

“Like Jesus, we gorillas are magnanimous to misfits and pariahs. I am confident that Ethelred will be as loyal as a hound dog. And besides, he reminds me of an uncle of mine.”

My trust in Ethelred was not misplaced and helped to ease his exclusion from the society of his fellow humans. He ended up marrying a pretty girl who worked in the meat-processing industry. Some people claimed she had a Bride-of-Frankenstein complex, but that was probably sour grapes.

Different rules apply to women and gorillas, of course. Human females have good reason to be wary of strange men, whatever their appearance. I was disturbed of hear of a conman in Cornwall who
swindled large sums of money from women he met on a dating site. His resemblance to Buster Bloodvessel did not impair his powers of persuasion.

“When I met him I thought he looked like Shrek,” said Sarah Terry, a 42-year-old divorcee. “But we had so much to talk about, and he was so interested in me that, to my surprise, I found him very attractive.”

One has to pity Ms Terry, although she is partly to blame for not getting a chaperone to screen her suitors. It is a task I have performed for several women in whom I have an avuncular concern. Asking for bank statements and DNA samples usually scares off the scoundrels immediately. As for the honest men, promising them a sound thrashing if they misbehave is good for their souls. The innocent have nothing to fear, as we say in the jungle.

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No-one is innocent, as we say in Mega-City One.
Ignorance alone explains why a woman would not employ your services as a screener. You need to do more promotion. It's a public service, really.
This, my dear Sir Ape, is something like judging a book by it's cover. Right?

I might add that pulchritude should never a primary way of judging a person. I am reminded that I have never been scammed by an ugly women. (Of course, I realize that I have never given an ugly woman the opportunity).
if these chicks are growing hair on their bosoms...their mistrust of men isn't what's going to be what's keeping the knaves at bay.
You're a good judge of character, GB. They don't come more trustworthy than the good ole Ethelreds of the world.
It would seem to me that physical appearance is not all that important to human females. In my particular case, my FaceBook page seems to be attracting numerous proposals of marriage from lovely women in The Ukraine and Slovenia.
Wow, it's all so much more complicated than living live by the saying 'never trust a man with a beard'.
I'm rather partial to a snaggletooth
Well then i def need tons and tons of testosterone cos i am just too naive when it comes to that species!
Kyknoord: Yes indeed. You can't be innocent unless you're unconscious.

Shawn: Well I wouldn't do it for any women, she would have to be one of my intimate circle.

Saintly Nick: I actually enjoy the company of ugly humans, Saintly Nick. I find they're more in touch with reality.

Kara: But how many men would back off after seeing a bit of down on the dumplings? If they'd got to that stage they may as well be pragmatic.

Robyn: Thank you, Robyn, I hope you meet a good-looking Ethelred soon.

Robert: I'd have more respect for these women if they just sent men a price list for their services.

Rachel: I think you're smart enough to sniff out the scoundrels, Rach.

Nursemyra: They're good for biting, Nursie!

Sabrina: Maybe you trust their words rather than their faces, Saby. I think I'd like to be your chaperone.
Did the extra testosterone make the women less trusting of men or did it make them more interested in women? Testosterone makes men interested in women, then why wouldn't it make women interested in other women?

Maybe there is a link to homosexuality hidden in that study somewhere?
I wouldn't mind a couple of hairs on their breasts as long as they don't have a bigger dick than me.
Professor Henry Higgins once famously asked "Why can't a woman be more like a man?" I attribute the film My Fair Lady to the rise of lesbianism in the 1970s.
A Dutch professor? Why didn't I know of this research?

Never trust humans. Men or women.
Have you seen the movie 'Alive'?
"If we don't get out, we might have to eat each other".
Need I say more?
I'm sure I've seen Ruf pull the same face as that gorilla :)

If you're thinking of flogging your personal chaperone cum suitability verification services, I now hsve he skills to build you a mean website and get you to the top of google in your chosen niche. I'm thinking there can't be too many other gorillas working that particular market... ;P
Hey, thanks for popping by! Funny thing about the cool if you could take something that would help you find a suitable match...! :) xxx
Rebecca: Testosterone increases sex drive, but it doesn't seem to change sexuality. Promiscuous women have high natural levels of the hormone.

Rubbish: Are you talking about shemales? I think most men prefer the ones with small dicks.

Lady Daphne: He was a mummy's boy, milady. I doubt he was speaking for the male sex.

Donut girl: I did see that movie, Miss Donut. I'm sure the dead men would have rather been eaten by their friends than their enemies.

Joanna: Old 'Ruf seems well qualified to be an honorary gorilla, Joanna. I only provide that service for women I have an emotional bond with.

Curious Cat: Hello and welcome, Miss Cat! Screening out the rogues will help you avoid a bad match!
I would be very careful with chemicals, Mr Bananas. I'd rather ask for your cheaperone services instead of having testosterone... I would trust you completely. ;)
au contraire, asking for a DNA sample works every time.
It is depressing the extent to which perfectly sensible ladies are duped by rogues and cads. The least you can hope to find is a man who is grateful to be found. That was my approach. And I've never looked back.
Perhaps Ethelred did enter your castle, but found nothing of his interest. What’s a jewel to an ape can be nothing more than an apple to a human, while what humans consider to be priceless gems are probably worthless pieces of crap to a gorilla. I think YOU could do with some extra testosterone to make you mistrust the males of my species.
Dutch professors are always full of great ideas.
Good points on my blog about human anatomy, GB. I'm a bit surprised you're into the maternal type. Oedipal Complex, perhaps?
Indeed I sort of go with the sound thrashing idea. If you meet a scoundrel who is only after your money I'm usuallly particularly annoying and offensive for the first few weeks - it really sorts out the men from the boys. The ones who are hopelessly in love and honest won't even notice you are behaving like an arse and the money grabbers will disappear faster than cocaine up an ad execs nose
Leni: Thank you, Leni, I was worried you'd think I'd be overprotective.

Jeune fille: Do you ask for the samples yourself, Miss? That might be rather embarrassing.

Madame Defarge: Your spouse has good reason to be grateful, Madame D. I hope you remind him of those reasons every day.

Borah: I've got plenty of testosterone, Deb, it just doesn't affect me in the same way. I put my trust in the goodwill of my human cousins.

Robyn: I have a soft spot for all mothers, Robyn. And I've heard that Jewish women are especially maternal.

Emma: I'm sure you never attracted a money-grubbing man, Emma. I suspect most of them were after your body.
GB - Not really, I can't even type 'life'.
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