Monday, May 17, 2010

Animal news

Austrian dairy farmers have forced their cows to participate in a beauty pageant. The contestants were examined in minute detail before a heifer called Wappiti was pronounced the winner.

“Her measurements are almost perfect and her udders are excellent!" drooled Rudolf Hussel, the head judge.

I bet that dirty old man couldn’t wait to get his hands on her teats. The whole event seems terribly sexist to me. A cow is more than a shapely rump and a juicy set of udders. She has hopes and dreams beyond satisfying the babyish human fetish for drinking milk. Allowing her assets to be ogled by a bunch of hayseeds is degrading in the extreme. If I were a bull, I’d take the first flight to Austria and give those degenerate farmers a taste of my horn. Then I would lead the liberated cows into green pastures before mounting them one by one.

Rescuing females from unjust oppression is a noble pursuit for the male of the species, particularly if the rescued females then give their gallant hero unlimited poontang for his pains. The cleverest men in history were the fellows who supported the suffragettes by getting into punch-ups on their behalf. A few cuts and bruises were a price well worth paying to be fussed over tenderly by those passionate young ladies. I’m sure the feminist movement would achieve all its aims if it solicited the support of more vigorous young men. Sometimes the best way of realising your dreams is to get into bed with your supposed enemies.

Sadly, it’s not just Austrian peasants who are treating animals disrespectfully. A BBC film crew
deliberately goaded a swan into a violent tantrum for their TV show. They did this by bribing canoeists to invade the swan’s territory and poke its tail. The hapless creature tried to swim away at first, but after being goosed up the river for 200 yards it turned on its tormentors and snapped at them viciously.

The RSPCA have spoken up for the swan, rightly condemning the BBC as shameless bird molesters. If only they knew that similar chicanery occurs in wildlife documentaries. Have you ever wondered why so many nature films shot in Africa include footage of chimpanzees going berserk? Chimps are excitable apes, but they don’t run around screeching without good cause.

Davy Attenborough was very evasive about this when I asked him what was going on. Eventually he confessed under my relentless cross-examination.

“We usually prepare for the shoot by scattering photos of trussed-up hairy men being whipped by a dominatrix,” he said. “This puts the chimps on edge. Then we get the dominatrix to appear in person, riding through the chimp colony on horseback while cracking her whip. The chimps become hysterical, which is when we start filming. I’m not proud of it, GB, but we don’t have the budget to hang around for months until something natural agitates them.”

“You’re a very naughty boy, Davy,” I declared sternly. “You must atone for your roguish deception by letting my females play with you.”

Davy gulped and hung his head, but I assured him he had nothing to fear. My females always go easy on famous naturalists.

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So that's why David has that hunted look to him. I guess he had it coming.
Attenborough and your female chimps – strange playmates & a disturbing visual. ;)

(Since I was a kid, I’ve always wished rather than wildlife documentaries filming the slaughter of one creature by another, those doing the filming would save the victim. Naïve, huh?)
A thug I schooled with called Malcolm once kicked a dog on Fairbourne beach in order to impress a girl. His big toe lodged up the terrier's derry air, but the little beast showed remarkable dexterity in still being able to maul Malcolm's lovepods for the whole duration of the extrication.
Sir David not withstanding, Americans have a long (and sordid) history of staging supposedly "natural" animal encounters for the camera. Be it Disney film crews using brooms to sweep lemmings over a cliff or filmmaker Marty Stouffer setting up scenes, such as tethering prey so predators could readily attack them, in order to get the shot.

It would not surprise me in the least if the Southern California purveyors of porn don't approach the amorous Bonobo's and offer them a lucrative contract.
as a bull...would you attempt to get bumped up to first class? more leg room.
"Unlimited poontang for his pains" sounds like one of my post titles
Rescuing females and animals from unjust oppression is a noble pursuit alright, but then rescuers that end up subjecting them to more unjust oppression is not.
Miss Kuh contests in Austria, swann molesting in Cambridge and chimpanzee overexciting in Africa... well humans do really like to manipulate the normal course of events in the animal world, don't we?

I'd like to know what did your females do to Sir David.
I couldn't stop thinking about cheeseburgers while reading this.

Can I be present at your next cross-examination? Sounds exciting.
Kyknoord: He loves it really. Thrills and danger are part of the job.

Beth: Not naive at all, Beth. I'm sure lions and crocodiles would be far happier on vegetarian diet.

My Boyo: What a strange way of trying to impress a girl. Some of these Welsh mating customs are beyond my understanding.

Robert: That would be a waste of money because bonobos would do it for nothing. It's an obsessive compulsive disorder with them.

Kara: Business class and a cushion for the testicles is good enough for most bulls, Missy.

Nursemyra: Feel free to use it, Nursie.

Static: What kind of idiot would rescue women from oppression only to oppress them more? It defeats the whole purpose of the thing.

Leni: They gave him a kind of massage, Leni. Using their feet and thighs as well as hands.

Ms OWO: Was it the cows or the bull that made you hungry, Aly?

Donut girl: You sure can, Ms Donut! I might even let you ask a few of the questions.
Could you get your female friends to giv me that special massage as well??? They could use any body part they wanted to massage me *wink*

Oh and does this mean you'd never take part in a Mr Gorilla pageant? Cos u'd sooo get my vote!
is this your way of telling us that you want to be used and abused and be put into a pageant? you'd win, probably.
@ Gorilla Bananas - [@ Static: "What kind of idiot would rescue women from oppression only to oppress them more? It defeats the whole purpose of the thing."]

Just about 99.9% of the male population.
I'd like to see the other competition for the bulls ;) Let's see:
largest testicles
longest horns
most impressive...

Sounds like a party to me!
That's udderly abusive. Does Cow Protective Services know about this? I'm appalled, but I'm also wondering if there's a personality portion to the competition or is it strictly based on superficial factors. (?)
GB, as much as I agree with most of your diatribe about us wretched humans mistreating animals, I think you may want to re-think your position on cows. They tend to be extremely dumb creatures and I highly doubt that they have any "hopes and dreams" beyond eating their hay and chewing their cud.
@Auri keep me posted if you're organizing anything!
Sabrina: I'd join in myself if you were being massaged, Saby. I like a bit of finger exercise.

Hater von G: It all depends who'd be doing the using and abusing, Missy.

Static: That many? I suppose Sir Lancelot and Bill Gates must be in the good 0.1%.

Auri: Don't forget the tail, Auri. It can swish pretty hard.

Robyn: Good pun! I don't think farmers are interested in personality, a cow is just teats and rump for them.

Madame Z: You sure about that, ma'am? I was assuming they also wanted to get laid and have calves.

Borah: Are you a bull fancier too, Deb?
Your comment about feminists using sex to recruit new support reminded me of Flirty Fishing -

Sadly, I was never recruited, although I would have loved for some young maiden to show me God.

Or her burning bush. Heyo! Yuk yuk.
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