Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Stolen Kiss
An on-line magazine has accused Madonna of “ruining everyone’s childhood” by publishing a cartoon of herself smooching Snow White. I’m just glad the seven dwarves didn’t get into the picture. Madonna should beat the rap on the legal technicality that it’s impossible to ruin the childhood of someone who is an adult. Once you have grown up, your childhood is either irretrievably spoiled or irreversibly coated in sugar candy. Short of getting into a time machine and chasing down your infant behind, Madonna is powerless to influence the matter.
She might have ruined the childhood of actual children, of course. But I suspect that most kids have other things on their mind, like inventing a text abbreviation for the word “bodacious”. Perhaps the Disney Corporation should interview Pinocchio to find out whether he’s developed a taste for crazy dyke action.
A potentially more serious charge about the cartoon kiss was made in the following tweet:
“Urgh Madonna! Snow White was supposed to be a 14 year old girl! Wrong just wrong!”
It’s a fair point, but wasn’t Snow White also kissed by a prince after the dwarves had exhibited her in a glass coffin? No one ever accused him of molesting an underage girl, even though she was in a coma and unable to resist his advances. Furthermore, the prince rubbed salt into the wound by marrying her shortly afterwards. There’s no point condemning Madonna for a peck on the lips if the girl is being ravished in a royal four-poster. In Snow White’s position I’d be grateful for the diversion.
It would interesting to carry out a survey of fathers with teenage daughters, asking them whether they’d prefer to have their child deflowered by Madonna or a moody young fellow with raging hormones. Madonna may like to present herself as daring and outrageous, but she’s pretty sentimental about girls of a similar age to her own daughter. My guess is that she’d execute the operation with extreme tenderness and sensitivity. Lesbian sex can be a beautiful thing if no one is trying to prove she can outdo a man.
You’ve got to be careful how you handle lesbians, though. The BBC has been accused of deliberately killing off female characters involved in same-sex relationships. I’ve not watched any of the TV shows in which this allegedly occurs, but I can understand the frustration of dedicated viewers. It’s like being told that oysters are off the menu just when you’ve acquired a taste for them.
The facts regarding the lesbian cull appear to be damning, but I’m not convinced that the BBC is responsible. Its culture has been lesbian-friendly ever since ladies’ tennis started to attract high ratings. It saddens me to say this, but I suspect that many young actresses do not want to be typecast as lesbian characters. They fear that once the public sees them in that way, they’ll never be offered a part where Zac Efron wraps his tail around their haunches. Isn’t that why Jodie Foster kept her Velcro in the closet until she was too old to play the love interest?
Labels: BBC, crazy dyke action, Jodie Foster, kissing, lesbian, Madonna, Snow White
Monday, May 17, 2010
Animal news
Austrian dairy farmers have forced their cows to participate in a beauty pageant. The contestants were examined in minute detail before a heifer called Wappiti was pronounced the winner.
“Her measurements are almost perfect and her udders are excellent!" drooled Rudolf Hussel, the head judge.
I bet that dirty old man couldn’t wait to get his hands on her teats. The whole event seems terribly sexist to me. A cow is more than a shapely rump and a juicy set of udders. She has hopes and dreams beyond satisfying the babyish human fetish for drinking milk. Allowing her assets to be ogled by a bunch of hayseeds is degrading in the extreme. If I were a bull, I’d take the first flight to Austria and give those degenerate farmers a taste of my horn. Then I would lead the liberated cows into green pastures before mounting them one by one.
Rescuing females from unjust oppression is a noble pursuit for the male of the species, particularly if the rescued females then give their gallant hero unlimited poontang for his pains. The cleverest men in history were the fellows who supported the suffragettes by getting into punch-ups on their behalf. A few cuts and bruises were a price well worth paying to be fussed over tenderly by those passionate young ladies. I’m sure the feminist movement would achieve all its aims if it solicited the support of more vigorous young men. Sometimes the best way of realising your dreams is to get into bed with your supposed enemies.
Sadly, it’s not just Austrian peasants who are treating animals disrespectfully. A BBC film crew deliberately goaded a swan into a violent tantrum for their TV show. They did this by bribing canoeists to invade the swan’s territory and poke its tail. The hapless creature tried to swim away at first, but after being goosed up the river for 200 yards it turned on its tormentors and snapped at them viciously.
The RSPCA have spoken up for the swan, rightly condemning the BBC as shameless bird molesters. If only they knew that similar chicanery occurs in wildlife documentaries. Have you ever wondered why so many nature films shot in Africa include footage of chimpanzees going berserk? Chimps are excitable apes, but they don’t run around screeching without good cause.
Davy Attenborough was very evasive about this when I asked him what was going on. Eventually he confessed under my relentless cross-examination.
“We usually prepare for the shoot by scattering photos of trussed-up hairy men being whipped by a dominatrix,” he said. “This puts the chimps on edge. Then we get the dominatrix to appear in person, riding through the chimp colony on horseback while cracking her whip. The chimps become hysterical, which is when we start filming. I’m not proud of it, GB, but we don’t have the budget to hang around for months until something natural agitates them.”
“You’re a very naughty boy, Davy,” I declared sternly. “You must atone for your roguish deception by letting my females play with you.”
Davy gulped and hung his head, but I assured him he had nothing to fear. My females always go easy on famous naturalists.
Labels: BBC, Cow pageant, David Attenborough, swan-baiting
