Friday, February 12, 2010

Britney's squirrel denial

Britney Spears has denied eating squirrel, but did anyone believe it in the first place? Having chased one of those critters up a tree, I am certain that no human is agile enough to catch one. Certainly not Britney, whose dopey face suggests slow reflexes and poor hand-eye coordination. What’s more, there isn’t nearly enough meat on a squirrel to justify the effort. When I finally grabbed the one that stole my nuts, I thought “this puny little rodent wouldn’t feed an anorexic weasel.” Not that I had any intention of eating it myself, of course – we gorillas are fastidious in abstaining from unauthorised meat products.

Now that Britney has responded to the squirrel allegation, it can only be a matter of time before she is forced into further denials. There is no end of furry mammals that an unstable young singer from a Hillbilly family may be plausibly accused of eating. Possum, raccoon, coyote, beaver? I doubt she’s tasted any of them, yet after making such a fuss about the squirrel story I can’t help wondering.

A circus clown once accused me of eating his pet gerbil. “Gorilla Bananas ate my gerbil” was the line he gave people who noticed the gerbil was missing. I knew at once that denying this absurd story would be undignified and counterproductive. “He who denied it, supplied it” was a popular saying of the time. So I responded with satire, putting up a succession of gerbil recipes on my trailer door. Here are some of those dishes:

Roast gerbil with parsnips and carrots

Southern fried gerbil with sweet potatoes and corn

Smoked gerbil with runner beans and wild mushrooms

Stir-fried gerbil in yellow bean sauce with rice noodles

Gerbil stew with broad beans and shallots

People soon got bored of hearing about gerbil main courses and started accusing the clown of being my stooge in a comedy routine. This upset him so much that he went to a psychiatrist to get over the loss of his pet. Under hypnosis, the clown revealed that he’d trodden on the gerbil by mistake and thrown its squashed carcass into a cement mixer. The memory of this event was so painful that he’d repressed it, substituting the false story involving me. I forgave him the calumny because he’d genuinely convinced himself of its truth. One must show compassion to the mentally unhinged whenever possible.

If I were Britney’s manager, I’d tell her to stop responding to the gossip sheets and take control the debate herself. No one will speculate about her appetite for bushy-tailed rodents if she gives them juicy titbits from the filly’s mouth. A confession is worth more than a hundred second-hand stories.

Christina Aguilera is one who has
adopted this strategy, recently declaring that she feels irresistibly sexy in the nude and would rather see pictures of naked women than naked men. Unlike the Britney-eats-squirrel story, this is entirely credible and gives the reader useful information in relatively few words. It also diverts attention from Christina’s dietary habits, whatever they may be.

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Ah, オテモヤン got there before me. This denying implausable things has a lot of mileage in it though; I'd personally like to hear Shakira say "I don't have an alter in my bedroom at which I worship the image of Gadjo Dilo, I don't, honest.
That オテモヤン really cracks me up! I hope we'll be hearing more from him

I must say your 'Smoked gerbil with runner beans and wild mushrooms' sounds divine....may i have the recipe please??

And i am soo glad that you're not one of the thousands of fools who worship at the altar of Britney! Bravo!
The animals you mentioned are eaten on a regular basis around here, though I decline to join in. My uncle used to make turtle stew, which they called "cooter" stew. I never could bring myself to try it because of the origin and the awful nickname. Blech!

I'll have to agree with Christina Aguilera on the pictures.
There is simply not enough meat on a squirrel to make a meal out of or enough fur to make a hat that's why the pesky rodents run rampant!
I think Britney is lying...about abstaining from unauthorised meat products. I think most would say she hasn't attempted to stop any meats from entering her body.
You managed to make all those dishes from one gerbil?

I have just agreed to go to see Britney in concert if she ever tours again... Obviously not with Ruf :)

I always think of her as that sweet little thing who sang 'Hit Me Baby One More Time'. Such a catchy tune :P
Why doesn't she eat chinese with worms and bugs ?
Gorillas are vegetarians, so they won't eat a poor gerbel, lol !
Good work gb. The more we can do to discourage the eating of squirrels then the better, as far as I'm concerned anyway....
I have myself often both chased and caught squirrels. They are not worth eating but they are fun to kill. I also like to get naked like Christine - we have a lot in common...
Gadjo: Hmm. But if she did worship your image, wouldn't that simply add to the frustration?

Sabrina: One day we'll go mushroom-picking together, Saby. We'll get the runner beans from the market and make a gerbil substitute from quorn.

Ms OWO: I'm glad your tastes are too refined for those critters, Aly. Would you eat anything off Christina's body?

Emma: Yes, you really need a bearskin rug right now, don't you? There's another idea for a picture!

Static: That's quite an allegation. Can you back it up with hard facts?

Joanna: Not with Ruf because you're going with your daughter or because Ruf would get too excited?

Gattina: Hello and welcome, Gattina. I think worms and bugs are a delicacy that would be wasted on Britney.

Red Squirrel: I certainly intend to set a good example by never eating one.

Mutley: Enjoying nakedness is very common amongt humans, Mutley, it's doesn't prove that you and Christina are soul mates.
This might be simplee a matter of habit. Don't they eat snake, dog, frogs, worms or lizard somewhere? I would also decline to join in concerning these delicacies.

Btw, did you know that men are also eaten alive? They taste delicious. ;)
I can see BS starring in a remake of the Beverley Hillbillies even as we speak. And Christina looks like she needs feeding up.
Some things are better done naked. Sleeping, swimming, ironing, etc. Sure, you get naked when you're doing the hootchie-cootchie and take showers but if that’s all you do in the buff, you’re missing out.

Beaver eating. Hmmm...
If I had a body like Christina's...I would so completely love to be naked too, but I'm as tall as I am wide....oh well.

I hear that Squirrel tastes a lot like chicken........I have cousins who are hunters and as kids would do ANYTHING.....crazy kids.
Decoy Britney would, like, sooooo never eat squirrels. But no one seems to want her opinion.
Christina is a better singer than Britney, and I'd be willing to bet better in-the-sack, as well. Just a hunch.
Whatever have you done without your nuts all this time?

And I love the picture of Christina! MMM she's delicious!

Britney on the other hand... well...
You are one silly ape!
Thanks for visiting my blog, and come on over for fur treatment anytime - fine toothed comb, or a squirrel's hair brush, you choose.
We both know that Spears has had her mouth around worse things than squirrel.
Leni: I thought only lions and crocodiles knew what men tasted like, Leni. Are you a man eater too or do you just nibble?

Madame Defarge: An excellent piece of casting, Madame D. Perhaps Christina looks a little plumper from behind.

Donut girl: Be careful with the naked ironing, Ms Donut. I'd hate of think you getting singed or branded.

Rebecca: Hello and welcome, Rebecca. What's the best way to cook squirrel? Can they be fried in breadcrumbs using the Colonel's recipe?

Perineum: If there's a Decoy Britney, she ought to keep her mouth shut and lure potential stalkers.

Blasé: Maybe they should have a contest by letting you sleep with both of them.

Auri: Fortunately the supply of nuts is plentiful, Auri. I like to share them, but not with squirrels.

Robyn: I was hoping you'd do it with your fingernails, ma'am. That's what I'm used to.

Emerson: Yeah, she's been seen sucking frogs. Their sweat makes you high.
You suggest that Britney has never eaten beaver? That's not what I heard... ;-)

Brooke x
That's a whole new angle, Brooke. You're putting all kinds of thoughts into my head.
I like Mme Defarge's idea of remaking the Beverly Hillbillies. Britney as Ellie May, Morgan Freeman as Jed, Lee Evans as Jethro and Meera Syal as Granny Clampett! I shall be visiting Beverly Hills myself in May, I shall do a recce for a suitable mansion in which to do the filming.
And don't forget Peewee Herman as the coloured servant, milady.
I've recently discovered several hits on my website from none other than BRITNEY SPEARS HERSELF. She's been downloading several recipes I recently posted regarding the proper way to "Grill a Cat." Does she have no shame?!
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