Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Raccoon story
A Russian zoo has accused a video studio of corrupting the morals of one of its raccoons. Thomas the Raccoon (as he is known) was seconded to the studio to appear in a TV commercial. After returning from his assignment, the female zoo staff found his behaviour unsettling:
“We noticed he was attracted to women’s breasts,” said Viktor Kiryukhin, a spokesman for the zoo. “It took two to three months to change his behaviour. Now he is happy again… but he was sad before.”
The zoo management claim that Thomas was sad because he had acquired a yearning for boobies that could not be satisfied at the zoo. They blame the video studio for giving him this peculiar urge so he would perform in erotic videos they were making:
“They must have put out some treats for him, so he associated breasts with a treat,” said Mr Kiryukhin.”
The video studio has described these allegations as absurd, saying they wanted a trained raccoon rather than a young hothead like Thomas who ran off whenever he felt like it. The also accused him of stealing a model’s bra, implying he was already crazy about boobs when he arrived. They’re probably not telling the full story, of course. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had hired a busty woman to be Thomas’s nanny. Yet I don’t believe it’s possible to brainwash a raccoon into liking a woman’s jahoobies. These creatures know their own minds.
In fact, it’s far more likely that Thomas was upset about his return to captivity than the lack of bosom flesh within easy grasp. He must have had a whale of a time at the video studio, eating human food and playing all kinds of pranks. I don’t blame him for being sad when he returned to the zoo. Anyone would feel depressed about going back to a life of being pointed at by fat children with ice cream on their faces.
Instead of blaming other people, the zoo should find a new home for Thomas. Having allowed him to experience the high life, they can’t now expect him to be content in a zoo. An obvious place for him to go would be the Playboy Mansion, but it’s unlikely he could get an entry permit. The last thing Hef wants to see is a handsome young raccoon being petted by the playmates.
What Thomas really needs is a rich and kindly woman to open her doors to him. Pamela Anderson is always saying how much she cares for animals, so this would be the perfect opportunity to prove it with deeds. If she adopted Thomas as her pet and mascot, the animal kingdom would salute her as the Mother of All Raccoons.
As for the booby question, we shouldn’t assume it was a sexual thing. Maybe Thomas just wanted a nice soft place to snuggle his head between. If that’s all he needs, Pamela is well equipped to oblige. And if he wants anything more, someone can take him to a titty bar.
Labels: erotic videos, jahoobies, Pamela Anderson, Raccoon
Friday, February 12, 2010
Britney's squirrel denial
Britney Spears has denied eating squirrel, but did anyone believe it in the first place? Having chased one of those critters up a tree, I am certain that no human is agile enough to catch one. Certainly not Britney, whose dopey face suggests slow reflexes and poor hand-eye coordination. What’s more, there isn’t nearly enough meat on a squirrel to justify the effort. When I finally grabbed the one that stole my nuts, I thought “this puny little rodent wouldn’t feed an anorexic weasel.” Not that I had any intention of eating it myself, of course – we gorillas are fastidious in abstaining from unauthorised meat products.
Now that Britney has responded to the squirrel allegation, it can only be a matter of time before she is forced into further denials. There is no end of furry mammals that an unstable young singer from a Hillbilly family may be plausibly accused of eating. Possum, raccoon, coyote, beaver? I doubt she’s tasted any of them, yet after making such a fuss about the squirrel story I can’t help wondering.
A circus clown once accused me of eating his pet gerbil. “Gorilla Bananas ate my gerbil” was the line he gave people who noticed the gerbil was missing. I knew at once that denying this absurd story would be undignified and counterproductive. “He who denied it, supplied it” was a popular saying of the time. So I responded with satire, putting up a succession of gerbil recipes on my trailer door. Here are some of those dishes:
Roast gerbil with parsnips and carrots
Southern fried gerbil with sweet potatoes and corn
Smoked gerbil with runner beans and wild mushrooms
Stir-fried gerbil in yellow bean sauce with rice noodles
Gerbil stew with broad beans and shallots
People soon got bored of hearing about gerbil main courses and started accusing the clown of being my stooge in a comedy routine. This upset him so much that he went to a psychiatrist to get over the loss of his pet. Under hypnosis, the clown revealed that he’d trodden on the gerbil by mistake and thrown its squashed carcass into a cement mixer. The memory of this event was so painful that he’d repressed it, substituting the false story involving me. I forgave him the calumny because he’d genuinely convinced himself of its truth. One must show compassion to the mentally unhinged whenever possible.
If I were Britney’s manager, I’d tell her to stop responding to the gossip sheets and take control the debate herself. No one will speculate about her appetite for bushy-tailed rodents if she gives them juicy titbits from the filly’s mouth. A confession is worth more than a hundred second-hand stories.
Christina Aguilera is one who has adopted this strategy, recently declaring that she feels irresistibly sexy in the nude and would rather see pictures of naked women than naked men. Unlike the Britney-eats-squirrel story, this is entirely credible and gives the reader useful information in relatively few words. It also diverts attention from Christina’s dietary habits, whatever they may be.
Labels: beaver, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Possum, Raccoon, Squirrel
