Monday, November 02, 2009

Hummus hostilities

Lebanese chefs have made a giant plate of hummus to shame the Israelis, who have been manufacturing their own version of the paste and exporting it around the world. The folks in Lebanon want everyone to know that hummus is Lebanese and that the Israelis are vulgar copycats. A noble objective, you might think, but what then? There is no evidence that consumers are dissatisfied with the counterfeit product or care who makes it. If the Lebanese really want to get even they should start exporting strudel and see how the Israelis like it. It could lead to a new form of low-intensity warfare where you mimic the culinary habits of your enemy to sow confusion in their ranks. But I hope it doesn’t come to that – food fights are terribly futile and no one wins in the end.

It’s good to see the Lebanese take pride in their native dishes. For many years, their image was sullied by Corporal Max Klinger of the 4077th M*A*S*H. For those not familiar with the show, Klinger was a Lebanese-American buffoon who thought he could get out of the army by wearing ladies’ clothes. Hoping to get a medical discharge by convincing everyone he was nuts, he succeeded only in convincing them he was a gay transvestite. The ironic thing is that Klinger wasn’t homosexual at all, which was just as well, because a gay man with a nose his size would never have got laid. It is a curious aspect of human sexuality that only heterosexual women find big noses attractive. And not all of them, by any means, it’s very much a niche market.

But let’s get back to the hummus. The Israelis are clearly in the wrong and should stop pretending they know how to make Arab food. “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s condiments,” sayeth the Lord their God. Once again, the Children of Israel have broken the commandments of Johnny Jehovah and are asking for a family-sized can of whoopass. Maybe He’ll force them to eat manna-from-heaven again, a fitting penance for culinary malfeasance given that it tastes like bird crap. Or maybe He’ll send a plague of snails to devour their herbs and season their meats with green slime. The Land of Israel shall resound with weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, particularly when the dinner gong soundeth.

Let’s not single out the Israelis for blame though. All humans are guilty of stealing recipes, particularly from the animal kingdom. Take eggs, for example. Although no one knows whether the chicken came before the egg, it is beyond dispute that they both came before Delia Smith, the television housewife and cook. Yet the English Rose of Woking cracks them open without a word of gratitude to the humble hens that squatted and strained to produce them. Anyone would think that she’d laid them herself. If I were God, I would punish her for her vanity and presumption by making her incubate a fertile ostrich egg between her warm and wobbly thighs. For every yolk she has cruelly whisked, let her hatch a little ostrich chick and raise it as one of her own. It takes more than custard pies to get you into heaven.

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Forgive me, but the 'goo' on Ms Smith's finger causes me to make the assumption that she would enjoy using my Lollipop to stir her bowl...
Yes i'm sorry but i too cant get past the goo on her fingers!
Goo shmoo... what about that big nose?

I have never eaten hummus in my life. What am I missing out on?
But I do know one thing, hummus is definitely not an Israeli dip/spread.

Well, as long as we all agree that apple pie originated in the Netherlands!
Mr. GB -- This may be highly irregular, but do you take requests? I would love to read a post by you on bacon, the only food delicious enough to be worthy of an international incident. I'm certainly not up to the task, but you are so deft with your quill that I do believe you're the primate for the job.
I do enjoy hummus - and your right I care not where it comes from as long as it remains tasty. But I have recently wondered where the Falafel comes from. Is that Israeli or is that a Lebanese thing as well?
All I know is that the pavlova was invented in New Zealand. It doesn't matter what the Australians say
this is my first time reading about hummus. and basically that's all i have to say.

i love your writings. will keep coming!
I don't like that kind of food. Who makes the best chocolate chip cookies? The best banana bread?
The only winners in a food fight are the observers.
Forget the nose and the goo...all that hair is making me nauseated.
Food is a very serious subject, Mr Bananas, not just in the jungle: as you brilliantly wrote, humans don't fight for food, but for the nationality of what they eat. How silly can one get?

Take for instance the battle for champagne between France and Spain. The Spaniards had to change the name of their sparkling wine and call it "cava"; the Portuguese had to call it "espumante"; the Italian, "asti"; the German, "sekt".

All for a glass of tasty effervescence, that in the long run... who cares where it comes from? Well, maybe Dom Perignon would, but he's not coming back to tell us...

Same thing with the delicious hummus, wherever it comes from. ;)
My goodness, that big nosed gentleman is almost as hairy as you!

You make me chuckle.

Brooke x
As long as no one takes away my mini packages of hummus w/ pretzel chips that allow me to buy a variety of flavors, I'm happy. It's probably made in china
Hey, I never knew gorillas to possess such a wonderful and original sense of humour. You guys generally seem so morose and downcast.
You are going right into my blogroll. Keep writing.
Blase: I think it means she'd like to give you a prostate examinations - if you're man enough to let her.

Sabrina: How about putting up a picture of your gooey fingers, Saby? You can lick them clean afterwards.

Donut girl: Are you one of those ladies who like men with big noses, Ms Donut? There's no shame in it. And I think you should try hummus once with pita bread.

Ana: Thanks for the suggestion, Ana, but as a vegetarian I know very little about bacon. I know a bit about wart hogs though. Irritable creatures who are terrified of lions.

Deidre: Falafel is certainly an Arab food. Are the Israelis making it as well, the cheeky blighters?

Nursemyra: I'll take you word for it, Nursie. Wasn't the boomerang a Maori weapon?

Max: Thanks, Max. Come as often as you want!
Secretia: Your secret is out, you've got a sweet tooth!

The Jules: Perhaps, but they have less fun than the combatants.

Ms OWO: His hair would be be fine if he didn't have bald patches all over his body. What about the big nose, Missy? Howja like a nose like that poking the small of your back?

Leni: What a liberal-minded woman you are, Leni. One day, I will make all my recipes freely available. Apart from the ones containing secret ingredients like hornet jism.

Brooke: He's got a long way to go, Brooke! How do you feel about men with big noses, dear woman?

Chele: Preztel chips? Isn't it wonderful how many things you can eat with hummus. I like it on crunchy vegetables.

Doctor: Hello and welcome, Doctor. We're not as grumpy as we look, it's just a "don't fuck with me" pose for the jungle.
Weellllllll, I've been poked by worse. Do do chhhhh!
Good grief... I now have the image of Delia Smith laying an egg...
eggs? that's your cause? since when do gorillas care about them? and is it just poultry eggs? or do you shed a tear for the lost ones while consuming sushi too? equality, goranas. equality.
I hear Max Klinger was raped with a falafel. Is that true, or was this just another one of his concocted tales to get discharged?
I've always had a soft spot for Delia. I think she'd be very accommodating.
I make a chickpea paste which I use as a facepack nightly. Ruf has to be warned that, although it may look like hummus and smell like hummus, it most definitely should not be removed from the fridge and spread on a piece of bread if he wants to be sure to wake up next to a woman with fabulous skin every morning.

Delia changed cooking for so many people - particularly cooking the Xmas turkey. However, I think she lost a lot of fans when she squawked vitriol at the lacklustre efforts of the Norwich City faithful.
Mr Bananas, you should tell your readerships about hornet jism. Please, don't keep it secret. ;)
Ms OWO: Really? I hope you'll soon be poked by something better.

Scarlet: Hatching is easier than laying, Miss Scarlet. Would you have the patience to sit on an egg?

Kara: Are you talking about fish eggs, Missy? They are like insects - too small and numerous to worry about. I'd like to give you a big one to sit on.

Static: That was a false rumour spread by Hotlips after he surprised her while having a shower.

Emerson: She wouldn't go anywhere near your soft spot, she's too traditional for that sort of thing.

Joanna: I wonder if he's tempted to have a nibble if he gets hungry in the middle of the night. Would you bathe in asses' milk to keep your body smooth?

Leni: It's a gorilla codeword for something else, Leni. Real hornet jism would be impossible to get your hands on.
Jamie Farr was an inspired piece of casting by the people who made MASH, the best episode being when he falls in love with a woman and dresses in a pristine army uniform to impress her, which is regarded as the most nuts outfit he's ever tried.
Why would a Lebanese have a Jewish name? Leb food is overrated. Wherever you go it's always the same. Tahini - hummus - taramasalata - has nobody got any teeth over there?
Gadjo: I vaguely remember that one. It was very odd seeing him in military uniform.

Lady Daphne: Couldn't agree with you more, milady. No lunch without crunch, as we say in the jungle.
That woman was scarier than the MASH guy by a long Lebanese mile.

Silly jews. Just because you're the chosen ones doesn't mean you can claim credit for all tasty dips. I'm with the Lebanese!
The Egyptians make humous with beans, not chickpeas. Much better than this Levantine muck, whether made by Jews of Druze.
The Mexicans didn't invent rice, but they sure know how to work it. I could see a feud between the Chinese and the Mexicans, but they seem to get along fine.

Maybe the real problem is no one gives a rat's ass about hummus, and that makes the hummus-producing countries crotchety.

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