Monday, December 17, 2007
Brides of Santa
I’m glad to hear that the authorities are finally cracking down on sharp practice in the Santa Claus industry. Men who wear false whiskers should never be encouraged, in my view. When I was in the circus, we once gave a middle-aged clown Santa privileges during the festive season. Unfortunately, the impudent fellow supposed that putting on the costume and beard gave him the right to pester female staff whenever he had the urge to feel a pert bottom on his lap. The knife-thrower’s assistant got more than her fair share of his attention and asked me to swap trailers with her on Christmas Eve. I readily agreed, keeping the door unlocked to allow the blighter to pursue whatever villainous scheme he had in mind.
I awoke in the dead of night to the sound of rummaging at the foot of the bed. The deluded nitwit had grasped my left foot and was about to subject it to some sort of oral perversion! Unluckily for him, the dextrous toes of a gorilla are capable of faster and more decisive action than the slobbering tongue of a man. Without issuing a warning, I grabbed his nose and gave it a vicious tweak. He stumbled out of the trailer moaning, obviously in no condition to deliver further presents that night. He subsequently tried to hide his injury under the false nose of his clown’s costume. I hushed up the incident to preserve what little dignity he retained.
Next Christmas, I was approached by an all-female delegation begging me to play the part of the nocturnal nomad from the North Pole.
“You’re the only Santa we’d trust to fill our stockings!” they chirped.
I wasn’t going to fall for their flattery. There is a fine line between a performing gorilla and a big hairy arse in a Noddy costume. I excused myself with the following words:
“I am touched by your offer, ladies, but I fear that I am rather too bulky to slide down your slender chimneys.”
The women swallowed their disappointment and hit upon the revolutionary idea of appointing a female Santa. The girl they chose worked in the make-up section and insisted on wearing a red miniskirt rather than the traditional pixie britches. She did a fair job until she was caught in flagrante with her boyfriend under the trampoline, still wearing her costume. People then started calling her ‘Saint Knickerless’ behind her back, and it was all downhill from there.
It goes without saying that there’s a lot more to Christmas than getting presents from a pot-bellied codger dressed like a garden gnome. In my considered opinion, Mr Claus is a usurper who has unjustly upstaged the true luminaries of the occasion, who are the nuns. As brides of Christ, they are, figuratively speaking, wives of the birthday boy. And after spending the whole year living on bread, soup and prayers, they ought to have pride of place in the Christmas celebrations, wearing festive clothes and dancing with the best-looking blokes.
If the Pope had a little more imagination, he would give the nuns special dispensation to have sex with the man of their choice on Christmas Day. No man should be allowed to refuse them on pain of excommunication (other than the Pope himself, who is primus non bonkus). On this special day of the year, making love to a nun should be a holy sacrament rather than fornication most vile.
It would be interesting to see who the holy sisters would choose to be their lovers. A lot of them wouldn’t bother, of course. After years of non-use, the female parts are prone to seize up like an engine that’s short of oil. My feeling is that those who are still interested would surprise us with their selections, eschewing the predictable Brad Pitt or George Clooney types. Call me a fanciful ape, but I reckon that Sister Bridget would be fatally drawn to a brooding saturnine fellow like Christopher Lee in his Dracula days. The temptation to dabble in the dark side is greatest for those who have known only light.
perhaps i need a banana myself.
Seems like poor old santa is doomed ot be meddled with, no wonder he wants to dish out some meddling of his own.
Yes, I like the idea of giving a nun special privileges... would add a whole new dimension and allure to the calling... just like with selected virgins who are celebrated in an orgy before being sacrificed in heathen rituals... ;-) And then the thought arises... what if they all wanted the same bloke? It might turn into a sort of santa claus merit-demerit system then, with all nuns vying to be the one with the top marks, who gets to pick the bloke of her choice. And like with universities, you'd have a list of options then, from 1st choice to 8th (that's the way it is over here; guess it says something that I only filled up the first choice, and got it ;-) And if I hadn't, would rather have none, then, and mope alone on Christmas...lol)
just a lesson learned...
Zuba: The Santa costume must feel like an oven in your part of the world. I think Santa should be replaced by an Aussie man-ho who is allowed to say 'ho'. I've heard there are many in Melbourne.
Eve: Let's hope you'll get your first choice fella as well! I would hope that nuns wouldn't compete for the same man - that's not the Christmas spirit.
Lady Daphne: If he'd washed his hair more often he might have been a movie idol.
Mary: What a tragedy if nuns became extinct. The joy on children's faces on spotting them in the streets would be lost forever. We must allow them to breed and produce baby nuns.
Daisy: That's a fascinating insight. You don't mind men getting stuck in your chimney then?
Kitty: Only on Christmas Day, though. De-couple them from the tree at midnight.
I do agree, Nanas, a nun needs her fun too. What could be wrong with injecting a little Christman's spirit into her proceedings? You are truly the most thoughtful of apes.
Sidhu: I once had a comment from a nun, but she turned out to be a hoaxer. No one is forcing them if they don't want to.
Eve: That's the spirit!
Sam: Thank you, Sam dear, I like to think about the forgotten human at this time of year.
Emma: But they're passionate about religion, aren't they? Maybe they just need to be chatted up in the right way.
Hitch: Does he? My eyes must be playing me up. Or are you talking about his arse?
I rather suspect that many monks in time past have inded dressed up as father christmas in order to seat some innocent choristers upon their knees. Perhaps even Ratzinger himself has asked a nun or two what they would like for Christmas.
, however, I have been scared of both Santa Claus and Clowns from a very young age. Therefore I give them a wide berth especially this time of year...
So true. My greatest fear.
I'm sure it'll come as no surprise to you that were I to choose...my preferred dracula would be of the gary oldman variety. Predictable, I know...but you gotta appreciate consistency.
Saintly Nick: Ah, but your whiskers are genuine. Would you be able to find a nun who might give us a Christmas message on your blog?
Kara: Yeah, but you like him because he's Oldman, not because of his Draculosity (which was pretty low anyway). I can tell you'd be spooked by a really supernatural dude.
Daisy: Indeed. Well I hope your chimney will be a busy place this Christmas.
Mutley: Being naked with nuns is a rare experience which would excite the envy of many naturalists (including my friend Davy Attenborough).
Asym42: Maybe, but whatever they do, they keep very quite about it. I just wish they would come out of the closet.
Mr Bananas I think that you may be confusing "naruralists" with "naturists" an easy mistake for a gorilla who was chased around the Congo by a naked David Attenborough to make .
Has he sent you a Christmas card?
XTX: Must be that time of year.
Mr Boyo: The Virgin Mary would be his cup of tea as well, if only he could get over his phobia for crosses.
Yawn: Fatman wouldn't be Fatman if he stopped being a lazy bastard. His full name is 'Cedric Lazy Bastard Fatman'.
Lord Likely: She'd make a fine Christmas present for a deserving sex maniac.
I think women join Convents to deliberately escape such present or goodwill gifts, GB.
Thanks for the comment anyway :)
Its all too much for a white boy
I think not.
Suzan: Don't they have positive reasons for joining? A convent shouldn't be a refuge who women who fear sex.
Ian: That's OK.
Beast: You love it, Beast.
Franki: And he gives people the blood of Christ to drink! Maybe Dracula is a Pope who went over to the dark side.
Mrs Cake: Yes, I'm sure they do like a good flirt. Maybe romance is sweeter for those who keep their bodies pure.
always glad to be of assistance...