Monday, December 17, 2007

Brides of Santa

I’m glad to hear that the authorities are finally cracking down on sharp practice in the Santa Claus industry. Men who wear false whiskers should never be encouraged, in my view. When I was in the circus, we once gave a middle-aged clown Santa privileges during the festive season. Unfortunately, the impudent fellow supposed that putting on the costume and beard gave him the right to pester female staff whenever he had the urge to feel a pert bottom on his lap. The knife-thrower’s assistant got more than her fair share of his attention and asked me to swap trailers with her on Christmas Eve. I readily agreed, keeping the door unlocked to allow the blighter to pursue whatever villainous scheme he had in mind.

I awoke in the dead of night to the sound of rummaging at the foot of the bed. The deluded nitwit had grasped my left foot and was about to subject it to some sort of oral perversion! Unluckily for him, the dextrous toes of a gorilla are capable of faster and more decisive action than the slobbering tongue of a man. Without issuing a warning, I grabbed his nose and gave it a vicious tweak. He stumbled out of the trailer moaning, obviously in no condition to deliver further presents that night. He subsequently tried to hide his injury under the false nose of his clown’s costume. I hushed up the incident to preserve what little dignity he retained.

Next Christmas, I was approached by an all-female delegation begging me to play the part of the nocturnal nomad from the North Pole.

“You’re the only Santa we’d trust to fill our stockings!” they chirped.

I wasn’t going to fall for their flattery. There is a fine line between a performing gorilla and a big hairy arse in a Noddy costume. I excused myself with the following words:

“I am touched by your offer, ladies, but I fear that I am rather too bulky to slide down your slender chimneys.”

The women swallowed their disappointment and hit upon the revolutionary idea of appointing a female Santa. The girl they chose worked in the make-up section and insisted on wearing a red miniskirt rather than the traditional pixie britches. She did a fair job until she was caught in flagrante with her boyfriend under the trampoline, still wearing her costume. People then started calling her ‘Saint Knickerless’ behind her back, and it was all downhill from there.

It goes without saying that there’s a lot more to Christmas than getting presents from a pot-bellied codger dressed like a garden gnome. In my considered opinion, Mr Claus is a usurper who has unjustly upstaged the true luminaries of the occasion, who are the nuns. As brides of Christ, they are, figuratively speaking, wives of the birthday boy. And after spending the whole year living on bread, soup and prayers, they ought to have pride of place in the Christmas celebrations, wearing festive clothes and dancing with the best-looking blokes.

If the Pope had a little more imagination, he would give the nuns special dispensation to have sex with the man of their choice on Christmas Day. No man should be allowed to refuse them on pain of excommunication (other than the Pope himself, who is primus non bonkus). On this special day of the year, making love to a nun should be a holy sacrament rather than fornication most vile.

It would be interesting to see who the holy sisters would choose to be their lovers. A lot of them wouldn’t bother, of course. After years of non-use, the female parts are prone to seize up like an engine that’s short of oil. My feeling is that those who are still interested would surprise us with their selections, eschewing the predictable Brad Pitt or George Clooney types. Call me a fanciful ape, but I reckon that Sister Bridget would be fatally drawn to a brooding saturnine fellow like Christopher Lee in his Dracula days. The temptation to dabble in the dark side is greatest for those who have known only light.

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so wait...dabbling is a good thing, or a bad thing? good, you say? but stems from bad? or from good?

perhaps i need a banana myself.
The whole Santa Clause caper really has gone too far. Firstly with the hijacking of his wardrobe by coca cola and successfully changing the colour from green to red. Now we have santas in Australia being sacked by their agencies for say ho ho ho instead of their preferred ha ha ha. In fact one was recently sacked for doing so, the agency reckoning that ho ho ho has too many connotations with the american slang for street working girls.
Seems like poor old santa is doomed ot be meddled with, no wonder he wants to dish out some meddling of his own.
OH, wittiness indeed...!!! :-) Saint Knickerless...LOL

Yes, I like the idea of giving a nun special privileges... would add a whole new dimension and allure to the calling... just like with selected virgins who are celebrated in an orgy before being sacrificed in heathen rituals... ;-) And then the thought arises... what if they all wanted the same bloke? It might turn into a sort of santa claus merit-demerit system then, with all nuns vying to be the one with the top marks, who gets to pick the bloke of her choice. And like with universities, you'd have a list of options then, from 1st choice to 8th (that's the way it is over here; guess it says something that I only filled up the first choice, and got it ;-) And if I hadn't, would rather have none, then, and mope alone on
Polish nuns would have queued up in the snow for a moment in the confessional with the late Fr Jerzy Popieluszko, tragically murdered by the forces of evil in cohoots with the more zealous elements of the Polish secret service. He was Catholic church's answer to George Clooney. I bet the Carmelites have posters of him in their cells to this day. He almost made me want to take Holy Orders myself.
That photograph of Christopher Lee is stirring; I can easily imagine a nun finding it dangerously compelling. Still, there might be one or two who would be satisfied with George Clooney or Brad Pitt, and adopting this practice would definitely increase the number of novices, which has been steadily declining.
most women are aware of this fact but for those who are not...if a man can make it down your chimney...there isn't enough in his pocket to fill your chimney...
just a lesson learned...
Oh what a great idea - how much fun would it be to stick the top of one's tree up a nun's habit, and have her perched there surveying one's festive bits and pieces? :-) x
Jen: I'm not trying to make moral judgements here. I'll forgive you whatever you do.

Zuba: The Santa costume must feel like an oven in your part of the world. I think Santa should be replaced by an Aussie man-ho who is allowed to say 'ho'. I've heard there are many in Melbourne.

Eve: Let's hope you'll get your first choice fella as well! I would hope that nuns wouldn't compete for the same man - that's not the Christmas spirit.

Lady Daphne: If he'd washed his hair more often he might have been a movie idol.

Mary: What a tragedy if nuns became extinct. The joy on children's faces on spotting them in the streets would be lost forever. We must allow them to breed and produce baby nuns.

Daisy: That's a fascinating insight. You don't mind men getting stuck in your chimney then?

Kitty: Only on Christmas Day, though. De-couple them from the tree at midnight.
GB, I'd always assumed you were C of E. If that's true, how do you know nuns aren't allowed the Christmas cheer you suggest? A lot goes on in those convents, at which we protestants can only guess.
No point of view from the other side...No nuns read this blog it appears...What might they have said? Sacrilege was the first word that popped into my mind...

*laughing* Yes, i forgot, gorilla. Christmas spirit... LOL :-)
If I were a nun I would fling my holy habit aside for such a Pole, Daphs.

I do agree, Nanas, a nun needs her fun too. What could be wrong with injecting a little Christman's spirit into her proceedings? You are truly the most thoughtful of apes.
Interesting points GB but I went to a Catholic school and none of the nuns seemed to have any interest in sex. How do I know, I don't really, only that when the rather handsome priest came to give us talks on how to be good girls the nuns wouldn't ogle him or rub up against him like nuns in heat. I think what you say is true, if you don't use it you lose it and these old nuns really came into the nunnery as virgins and as such did not know what sex was all about and therefore didn't get the urge.
Mr Bananas
Many unsavoury men have "beards", Gordon Brown springs to mind.
Randall: I'm Church of Congo with a strong dose of ape buddhism. Partying inside the convent isn't the Christmas spirit. Nuns should be interacting with the lay community at this time of the year.

Sidhu: I once had a comment from a nun, but she turned out to be a hoaxer. No one is forcing them if they don't want to.

Eve: That's the spirit!

Sam: Thank you, Sam dear, I like to think about the forgotten human at this time of year.

Emma: But they're passionate about religion, aren't they? Maybe they just need to be chatted up in the right way.

Hitch: Does he? My eyes must be playing me up. Or are you talking about his arse?
ha ha ha dear Gorilla! Slender chimneys indeed! what a fruity turn of phrase you have!

I rather suspect that many monks in time past have inded dressed up as father christmas in order to seat some innocent choristers upon their knees. Perhaps even Ratzinger himself has asked a nun or two what they would like for Christmas.

, however, I have been scared of both Santa Claus and Clowns from a very young age. Therefore I give them a wide berth especially this time of year...
Hmmm… I have the name and the whiskers. I now also have the Santa body. Where’s my Santa bride?
After years of non-use, the female parts are prone to seize up like an engine that’s short of oil.

So true. My greatest fear.

I'm sure it'll come as no surprise to you that were I to preferred dracula would be of the gary oldman variety. Predictable, I know...but you gotta appreciate consistency.
gorilla...stuck isn't exactly the word i would use...a little cleaning prior and after should help with the situation...but a chimney visit is not an unpleasant idea by any stretch of the imagination :)
I have been a department store Santa and I was raised by Nuns so I am very well qualified to comment on both aspects of this post. I have often pondered sex with a Nun, owing to the fact they insisted on bathing me until I was 17....
Surely nuns don't 'do' Christmas as they are far too busy baking a cake big enough to hold 2000 - plus candles. And maybe trying to decided whether Birthday Boy would prefer an ipod or a Wii.
Mermaid: Many fear clowns, Mermaid, but I could teach you how to make them beg for mercy. As for Santa, I'm surprised you didn't pull his beard off when you were a wee girl.

Saintly Nick: Ah, but your whiskers are genuine. Would you be able to find a nun who might give us a Christmas message on your blog?

Kara: Yeah, but you like him because he's Oldman, not because of his Draculosity (which was pretty low anyway). I can tell you'd be spooked by a really supernatural dude.

Daisy: Indeed. Well I hope your chimney will be a busy place this Christmas.

Mutley: Being naked with nuns is a rare experience which would excite the envy of many naturalists (including my friend Davy Attenborough).

Asym42: Maybe, but whatever they do, they keep very quite about it. I just wish they would come out of the closet.
Being naked with nuns is a rare experience which would excite the envy of many naturalists (including my friend Davy Attenborough).
Mr Bananas I think that you may be confusing "naruralists" with "naturists" an easy mistake for a gorilla who was chased around the Congo by a naked David Attenborough to make .
Has he sent you a Christmas card?
santa claus blogs on my blog. it's crazy
I think you're right to imagine the holy sisters going for the Dracula look. After all, the Undead One has a priestly mien and only avoids Orthodox churches (Romania) and C of E (Hammer Films). Maybe he's a Papist.
I only came to your comments to beg you to make Fatman post. The bastid is getting all lazy, slovenly, and homosexual-like. But then as I was waiting for the comments window to pop up, your post piqued my innerest. Now I must go back and read it whilst leaving you with a "Hey make that fukkker post."
If Saint Nicholas looked at all like the strumpet at the top of the page, I would have no qualms about sitting on her knee. Or face.
Hitch: Davy sends me a Harrods Christmas Hamper which I donate to a deserving chimpanzee.

XTX: Must be that time of year.

Mr Boyo: The Virgin Mary would be his cup of tea as well, if only he could get over his phobia for crosses.

Yawn: Fatman wouldn't be Fatman if he stopped being a lazy bastard. His full name is 'Cedric Lazy Bastard Fatman'.

Lord Likely: She'd make a fine Christmas present for a deserving sex maniac.
I'd just like to point out that the lady in the picture IS a Brazilian nun. Wahey!
...If the Pope had a little more imagination, he would give the nuns special dispensation to have sex with the man of their choice on Christmas Day....

I think women join Convents to deliberately escape such present or goodwill gifts, GB.
Your blog is interesting but I wouldn't link to it from mine because of the NSFW pictures.

Thanks for the comment anyway :)

I am speechless , toe sucking clown dwarfs , knickerless santas and bonking nuns.
Its all too much for a white boy
The Pope, primus non bonkus, as you so eloquently labeled him, looks frighteningly Draculonian himself.

A coincidence?

I think not.

The nuns in the Sound of Music got remarkably excited over the dashing Captain Christopher Plummer's impending nuptials to the young nanny Julie Andrews. I think rather than indulge in some coitus, for Xmas they would probably prefer a nice gentleman to serenade and flirt with them. A far less messy annual habit to entertain.
MC Ward: I never knew she was either Brazilian or a nun. You must have inside information.

Suzan: Don't they have positive reasons for joining? A convent shouldn't be a refuge who women who fear sex.

Ian: That's OK.

Beast: You love it, Beast.

Franki: And he gives people the blood of Christ to drink! Maybe Dracula is a Pope who went over to the dark side.

Mrs Cake: Yes, I'm sure they do like a good flirt. Maybe romance is sweeter for those who keep their bodies pure.
I'm sure of it, actually.
I don't see why a lot santas are on thw street.
because emperor ropi that is where they find them sleeping when they put the suits on them...:)

always glad to be of assistance...
Who are you? You write with incredible fluency. Have you written any books?
Who am I? I'm Gorilla Bananas!
I believe that Mr Bananas has written a slim volume of erotica under the pen name Judicious that right Mr GB?
I have written a book, as it happens, but there's no porn in it. Several of my readers have copies. Two were mailed a free copy (because they asked me for one, rather than buying it through amazon). It contains posts from my blog archives.
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