Monday, September 10, 2007

The spanking question

A hush descends on the jungle after the film Secretary is shown at the safari camp. Listless monkeys loiter in the trees, chewing their toenails in confusion. Chimpanzees groom each other in solemn silence, pondering the foibles of their human cousins. Puzzled gorillas scratch their heads pensively and exchange furtive whispers.

For those who haven’t seen the movie, the plot is very simple. A secretary (Maggie Gyllenhaal) is repeatedly spanked by her boss (James Spader) for relatively minor offences. Sore buttocks notwithstanding, she falls in love with him and provokes further punishment to get his attention. After being goaded into giving her a particularly kinky whipping, her remorseful boss dismisses her. They are later reconciled in bizarre circumstances and marry.

I reassure my simian friends that human females are not as weird as the film suggests. They do not generally enjoy having their bottoms whacked and would snap like a vixen if a stranger were to do so. The vital ingredient in the movie was not the spanking, as such, but Mr Spader’s demeanour while dishing it out. He was masterful, unyielding, imbued with quiet gravitas and utterly convinced of the justness of his actions. Being spanked by a grinning pervert would have been a foul experience for Miss Gyllenhaal, leaving her feeling soiled and humiliated. But being spanked by a steely-eyed disciplinarian was a huge erotic thrill – for what female does not fantasize about throwing herself on the mercy of a dominant male?

Let me state for the record that Gorilla Bananas is no spanker. I have never once had occasion to raise my powerful hand to any female in my harem. There’s simply no need for it in the wild because there are so many other diversions and excitements. My females are used to seeing me dominate my sphere, milking my assets and trampling my foes underfoot, so I don’t have to reinforce the point by slapping their hairy backsides.

I freely admit that they do swing their fists at me, now and again. Female gorillas are moody creatures and will lash out if their frustrations overwhelm them. But rather than retaliate, I try to intercept their blows with my rock-hard skull so they’ll sulk off wringing their hands. Occasionally they do succeed in landing a haymaker in my kidneys, whereupon the best strategy is to pretend it didn’t hurt and laugh it off.

There are lessons for the modern woman here. If she wants to be dominated in bed, all well and good, any red-blooded man should be willing to oblige. But a true alpha male has no wish to boss her around in his scarce leisure time. After cracking the whip on matters of real importance, the last thing he needs is some sissy female pining for a firm hand when he wants to relax. So rather than playing the shrinking violet, the temptress should don her lace petticoat and accost the man of her desires with naughty verses and haughty curses. If she postures facetiously, he is far more likely to chase her into the bedroom and ravish her inside the wardrobe. A male primate likes to feel he’s made a conquest even if the female wants it as badly as he does.

Labels: , ,

Mr Bananas , I may have made a slight error , I was discussing your latest post with feminist harpie Ms Germaine Greer , she was last seen heading to the airport , muttering foul oaths and clutching a ticket to the congo........ I hope she is in a better mood after the relaxing experience of hours of security checks and a long flight......
**Makes note to see the film Secretary at soonest opportunity.**
Secretary is a smashing film. What good taste you have.

I tell you though, your advice to women is correct. A man likes to feel he's made a conquest and a a little bad behaviour can get interesting results.

This can occasionally be problematic though, as there are some times when you really do need your insults to genuinely scare them off.

I have blogged on that very thing today in Part Two of my Italian story.
True Story. I went into my local DVD emporium about a year previous to typing this very message. In said emporiumn I saw a copy of 'The Secretary' priced at the measely sum of three English pounds. Drunk off the freshly fermented fruits of our healthily competitive consumerist climate, I bought ten. What a bargain, they still make great stocking fillers for close family and friends.
Spader seems to gravitate to these creepy indie film roles. Have you ever seen Sex, Lies, and Videotape (Dir. Steven Soderbergh) or Crash (1996)? (Dir. David Cronenberg) Yeah, check those out! Can't wait to see your review!

You always have humorous spin on everything, Japing Ape! You're a regular comedian! I was hoping I could have your Simian opinion my on recent blog posts. I'm always looking for an out-of-the-species opinion. Make sure to leave a comment!

Feel free to reach me here:

Quest For Comedic Stardom:
I love Secretary! It's one of my favorite movies. I often instigate and win the argument that it's one of the most romantic love stories of all time. And it doesn't hurt that it's positively brimming with Leonard Cohen music.
Beast: Germaine forgave me long ago for this post.

Kitty: Not one for the children unless you enjoy answering embarrassing questions.

Misssy: A man should be able to distinguish the provocative insult from the "get lost" one. Maybe Sal couldn't get your 'history' in Germany out of his head.

Other Dave: It's a great one for the festive season. As is Eight-and-a-half women.

Lucy: Sex, Lies was a romantic masterpiece, but Crash seemed silly to me. I promise to check out your blog!

Kara: May I spank you please?
Im not usually a one for being spanked but the thought of James Spader dishing it out... :)
I agree wholeheartedly GB.
A woman may not necessarily be into the whole spanky thing, but does indeed enjoy being taken by her haunches and humped into submission.
I would much rather be the one administering justice, I must say...

It is natural for one of a feline disposition to toy and tease, employing a few well placed nips and nibbles in a delicate and diabolical dance of domination.

When push comes to shove I will employ the bite over the spank..
I rather liked that movie! Secretaries can be so damn naugthy sometimes...they are jsut asking ot be spanked...HARD!
"So rather than playing the shrinking violet, the temptress"... should spank him instead. Hard!
Mrs Cake: Maybe you should ask for a bit of hand-to-bottom action to see if you enjoy it.

Zuba: Although it does depend on who's doing the humping.

Domestic Minx: Your hands are surely to soft to spank, dear Minx. But I'm sure your sharp little teeth have induced many gasps of pleasure.

Jenny!: Do you have to ask for a spanking, Jenny, or is your man well trained?

Chickybabe: Nice idea, but she might not have the hands for it. I'd recommend a bite as suggested by la Minx.
i saw this sequence on TV and it was riveting.
Strong women are always looking for excuses to be weak...
BRavo to you GB for thrashing this issue out into the open. To be honest this sort of thing beats me.

I reckon it is the sort of behaviour that whips people up into a frenzy.

Mind you it is mentioned in the Bible. Something about Adam Caning Eve to make her Able. It is a while since I read said work so my memory might be foggy on the exact point.

There is no question though a whipping beats having the old chap set on fire. Ouch
I have to confess to a naughty fantasy where Bert dresses up as a Wehrmacht officer and I'm the French resistance girl and spit in his face crying "Sale Boche! I weel nevair betray ze Resistance!" but then he slowly takes off his belt and five minutes later I'm giving him Jean Moulin's address and telephone number ...
I'm not sure that secretaries should be spanked hard. It makes them walk funny when they're getting me my tea.
Also, I think this is banned under section 465.32(b) of the Prevention of Cruelty to Secretaries Act 1999.

However, judicial application of electric cattle prods to bodily parts at given hours of the day is permissible, as long as you fill out a form.
I learnt a lot. This was good.

Spader seems hell-bent on pursuing roles steeped in perversion. 'Crash', 'Bad Influence' and 'Sex, Lies and Videotape' are all films that spring to mind.

Apparently, he only did 'Stargate' for the cash. Even then, he still got an eyefull.

Perhaps, out there in reality, he is actually quite dull and prefers missionary stability and knitting, for I have never seen him in the lurid backwaters of the almighty tabloid
Haha, I really enjoyed this post. Personally, I like to be spanked, often, by someone who knows how.
I sit here in my office (being the secretary that I am) and secretly wish for a spanking.
This film sounds very much up my alley. And I would certainly like one day to don a petticoat for you and torment you into dominating me into submission...hey a girl can dream can't she?
Pi: I hope you get a chance to watch the whole thing.

Ms R: Because it turns them on to be dominated?

Uncle Norman: Excellent punning!

Lady Daphne: Maybe Bert would agree to enact your fantasy if he could be a Communist infiltrator wearing red boxer shorts.

Mermaid: There are surely men who'd bring you tea in return for a crisply delivered pat on your bottom.

Mosha: He plays men of good character who have picked up one or two kinky habits that need ironing out.

China Blue: Ms Blue, I am surprised and intrigued by your admission! The brainy woman who appreciates a good spanking is truly a jewel!

Jahooni: I hope your wish comes true!

Emma: I'd sure you'd like the film, Emma. And it's very nice of you to include me in your fantasies. If I had you pinned down on my lap, I think I'd feed you chocolates by hand.
I don't believe I have ever raised a hand to a lady, but by golly I have thrashed my man-servant raw on many an occasion. Does him the world of good, I reckon.
Plus, it gives me the raging horn.
GB: It's the domination but it's also the opportunity to give up control, quite often a rare opportunity in their lives. I've heard that, anyway...
Not today...I'm feeling untouchable.
unfortunaley most of the young 'ladies' I know would do some unspeakable physical damage if spanked uninvited.The lovely Nicola broke my shoulder while supposedly 'light' sparring with me at karate.I have learned its often a mistake to tell a sexist joke , just before such undertakings , as some people can be very touchy
Training is good...but sometimes begging is needed!
Whatever gets the chase going, right?
Lord Likely: Has Botter ever tried to disguise himself as Lord Palmerstone? You should thrash him soundly for that.

Ms R: Yes, I heard something very similar quite recently. Thanks for corroborating...

Kara: Aright, Miss, I'll be patient.

Beast: I'd advise you to bring her chocolates before sparring with her next time.

Jenny!: I think you know all the bedroom tricks!

Liv: Right. If you're short of excitement in your life, it means you need to be chased more often.
I have never thought spanking to be in anyway erotic - it may be because a my school it was administered by a hideous old crone who smelled of onions...

On the dominance thing - I am not at all sure about this you know - but I hope to give it a go one day ..
GB: Now you have Ms R's attention, she is indeed curious to know what you know...not herself you understand
I have only caught bits and pieces of Secretary but will definitely try to catch the whole thing next time!

And thank you for that brilliant insight about how men want their females to be strong even in bed...the inexperienced me always thought men liked their females to be very submissive and yielding in bed :p
Your powerful hand?
GB, I was wondering when you were going to get to the "spanking bit" and now you have.
Why do I feel you're itching to spank someone yourself? Maybe you're shy and just need to gently coaxed? :-)
Mutley: I think you should try both dominating and being dominated to give you the view from both sides.

Ms Robinson: I heard a very strong-willed and independent woman say that she hated to be in charge.

Sabrina: Well thanks, Sabrina, but I'm not sure whether all men want the same thing. Maybe a bit of experimentation would be fun?

Suzy: You could be right, but I'll need to find a lady with the right attitude and the right bottom. She must be spankable in all respects.
Goodness, where were you standing?
I'll make note for when I don my petticoat next time...
Ms R: A good distance away!

Rosanna: A red frock would work just as well!
I must admit: I'm impressed by the writing in this post, as always, but what is truly amazing is that you managed to find a picture of a woman who looks good in a dirndl! Incredible.
Thank you so much, Mary. I just used google images.
Well, well, well ... whilst perusing the shelves in a Charity Shop this afternoon, guess what DVD I happened upon? I had some creative explanation to do to the daughter (who was with me), but managed to buy it for the princely sum of £1.

Next time both the kids are out, guess what I'll be watching?
You won't be disappointed, Kitty. It's a bargain at £1.
I watched it yesterday evening. I thought it was fabulous - a tale of two people who, separately, felt like misfits. But who, together, could both be wholly themselves AND function better in life. Just as it should be.

Thanks for telling me about the film, GB.
You'd be a good film reviewer. I thought it was funny as well!
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin