Monday, September 10, 2007
The spanking question
A hush descends on the jungle after the film Secretary is shown at the safari camp. Listless monkeys loiter in the trees, chewing their toenails in confusion. Chimpanzees groom each other in solemn silence, pondering the foibles of their human cousins. Puzzled gorillas scratch their heads pensively and exchange furtive whispers. For those who haven’t seen the movie, the plot is very simple. A secretary (Maggie Gyllenhaal) is repeatedly spanked by her boss (James Spader) for relatively minor offences. Sore buttocks notwithstanding, she falls in love with him and provokes further punishment to get his attention. After being goaded into giving her a particularly kinky whipping, her remorseful boss dismisses her. They are later reconciled in bizarre circumstances and marry.
I reassure my simian friends that human females are not as weird as the film suggests. They do not generally enjoy having their bottoms whacked and would snap like a vixen if a stranger were to do so. The vital ingredient in the movie was not the spanking, as such, but Mr Spader’s demeanour while dishing it out. He was masterful, unyielding, imbued with quiet gravitas and utterly convinced of the justness of his actions. Being spanked by a grinning pervert would have been a foul experience for Miss Gyllenhaal, leaving her feeling soiled and humiliated. But being spanked by a steely-eyed disciplinarian was a huge erotic thrill – for what female does not fantasize about throwing herself on the mercy of a dominant male?
Let me state for the record that Gorilla Bananas is no spanker. I have never once had occasion to raise my powerful hand to any female in my harem. There’s simply no need for it in the wild because there are so many other diversions and excitements. My females are used to seeing me dominate my sphere, milking my assets and trampling my foes underfoot, so I don’t have to reinforce the point by slapping their hairy backsides.
I freely admit that they do swing their fists at me, now and again. Female gorillas are moody creatures and will lash out if their frustrations overwhelm them. But rather than retaliate, I try to intercept their blows with my rock-hard skull so they’ll sulk off wringing their hands. Occasionally they do succeed in landing a haymaker in my kidneys, whereupon the best strategy is to pretend it didn’t hurt and laugh it off.
There are lessons for the modern woman here. If she wants to be dominated in bed, all well and good, any red-blooded man should be willing to oblige. But a true alpha male has no wish to boss her around in his scarce leisure time. After cracking the whip on matters of real importance, the last thing he needs is some sissy female pining for a firm hand when he wants to relax. So rather than playing the shrinking violet, the temptress should don her lace petticoat and accost the man of her desires with naughty verses and haughty curses. If she postures facetiously, he is far more likely to chase her into the bedroom and ravish her inside the wardrobe. A male primate likes to feel he’s made a conquest even if the female wants it as badly as he does.
Labels: haughty curses, lace petticoat, sore buttocks
I tell you though, your advice to women is correct. A man likes to feel he's made a conquest and a a little bad behaviour can get interesting results.
This can occasionally be problematic though, as there are some times when you really do need your insults to genuinely scare them off.
I have blogged on that very thing today in Part Two of my Italian story.
You always have humorous spin on everything, Japing Ape! You're a regular comedian! I was hoping I could have your Simian opinion my on recent blog posts. I'm always looking for an out-of-the-species opinion. Make sure to leave a comment!
Feel free to reach me here:
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http://standup101.blogspot.com
Kitty: Not one for the children unless you enjoy answering embarrassing questions.
Misssy: A man should be able to distinguish the provocative insult from the "get lost" one. Maybe Sal couldn't get your 'history' in Germany out of his head.
Other Dave: It's a great one for the festive season. As is Eight-and-a-half women.
Lucy: Sex, Lies was a romantic masterpiece, but Crash seemed silly to me. I promise to check out your blog!
Kara: May I spank you please?
A woman may not necessarily be into the whole spanky thing, but does indeed enjoy being taken by her haunches and humped into submission.
It is natural for one of a feline disposition to toy and tease, employing a few well placed nips and nibbles in a delicate and diabolical dance of domination.
When push comes to shove I will employ the bite over the spank..
Zuba: Although it does depend on who's doing the humping.
Domestic Minx: Your hands are surely to soft to spank, dear Minx. But I'm sure your sharp little teeth have induced many gasps of pleasure.
Jenny!: Do you have to ask for a spanking, Jenny, or is your man well trained?
Chickybabe: Nice idea, but she might not have the hands for it. I'd recommend a bite as suggested by la Minx.
I reckon it is the sort of behaviour that whips people up into a frenzy.
Mind you it is mentioned in the Bible. Something about Adam Caning Eve to make her Able. It is a while since I read said work so my memory might be foggy on the exact point.
There is no question though a whipping beats having the old chap set on fire. Ouch
: Tuesday, September 11, 2007 Also, I think this is banned under section 465.32(b) of the Prevention of Cruelty to Secretaries Act 1999.
However, judicial application of electric cattle prods to bodily parts at given hours of the day is permissible, as long as you fill out a form.
Spader seems hell-bent on pursuing roles steeped in perversion. 'Crash', 'Bad Influence' and 'Sex, Lies and Videotape' are all films that spring to mind.
Apparently, he only did 'Stargate' for the cash. Even then, he still got an eyefull.
Perhaps, out there in reality, he is actually quite dull and prefers missionary stability and knitting, for I have never seen him in the lurid backwaters of the almighty tabloid
: Tuesday, September 11, 2007 Ms R: Because it turns them on to be dominated?
Uncle Norman: Excellent punning!
Lady Daphne: Maybe Bert would agree to enact your fantasy if he could be a Communist infiltrator wearing red boxer shorts.
Mermaid: There are surely men who'd bring you tea in return for a crisply delivered pat on your bottom.
Mosha: He plays men of good character who have picked up one or two kinky habits that need ironing out.
China Blue: Ms Blue, I am surprised and intrigued by your admission! The brainy woman who appreciates a good spanking is truly a jewel!
Jahooni: I hope your wish comes true!
Emma: I'd sure you'd like the film, Emma. And it's very nice of you to include me in your fantasies. If I had you pinned down on my lap, I think I'd feed you chocolates by hand.
Ms R: Yes, I heard something very similar quite recently. Thanks for corroborating...
Kara: Aright, Miss, I'll be patient.
Beast: I'd advise you to bring her chocolates before sparring with her next time.
Jenny!: I think you know all the bedroom tricks!
Liv: Right. If you're short of excitement in your life, it means you need to be chased more often.
On the dominance thing - I am not at all sure about this you know - but I hope to give it a go one day ..
: Wednesday, September 12, 2007 And thank you for that brilliant insight about how men want their females to be strong even in bed...the inexperienced me always thought men liked their females to be very submissive and yielding in bed :p
GB, I was wondering when you were going to get to the "spanking bit" and now you have.
Why do I feel you're itching to spank someone yourself? Maybe you're shy and just need to gently coaxed? :-)
Ms Robinson: I heard a very strong-willed and independent woman say that she hated to be in charge.
Sabrina: Well thanks, Sabrina, but I'm not sure whether all men want the same thing. Maybe a bit of experimentation would be fun?
Suzy: You could be right, but I'll need to find a lady with the right attitude and the right bottom. She must be spankable in all respects.
Next time both the kids are out, guess what I'll be watching?
Thanks for telling me about the film, GB.
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