Friday, May 25, 2007

Doing it your way

I’ve never been very impressed with the “cultural differences” you humans make such a fuss about. To a gorilla, you all seem long on ceremony and short on hair. Yet the news that Japanese men don’t consider having sex with a prostitute to be cheating on their wives gave me pause for thought. Apparently, they just can’t see how paying for an agreed service at an agreed price is cheating anyone. Their logic has a peculiar force, so it surprises me that men of other nations don’t reason in the same way.

In Japan, a man is unfaithful to his wife if he tricks her into having sex when she doesn’t want to. Suppose, for example, that she’s got a headache and isn’t in the mood for it. Her husband might then promise to buy her a diamond ring if she’ll close her eyes and think of General Tojo. But if he doesn’t produce the gem within 30 days, his wife can sue for divorce on the grounds of fraud. Back in the olden days, it was permissible for a Japanese man to copulate with his wife while she was asleep. This was outlawed by the Americans after World War 2 because of its tactical similarity to the surprise attack at Pearl Harbour.

It seems that even European nations differ markedly in sexual practices. A German man was shocked to find that his Italian girlfriend wanted to climax at the same time he did. He told her that he couldn’t possibly enjoy an orgasm while she was having an even better one – that would be like eating sorbet for dessert while she was gorging on Black Forest gateau. His practice with German women was to make them climax first using non-penetrative methods. He would then instruct them to feign disgust during intercourse by calling him
a “filthy swine” and other more abusive terms. His concept of sex was a zero sum game – the more she hates it, the better it is for me.

I don’t want to say too much about cross-species fornication between humans and their livestock. These activities seem greatly exaggerated to me. With millions of sheep and humans sharing the same living space, there are bound to be occasions where passions run out of control and a young ewe wakes up one morning with shame burning in her delicate cheeks. That’s just a fact of life. But is it right to blame the entire Welsh nation because a few frustrated shepherds have delved into the woolly abyss? The decent majority must not be stigmatised for the misdeeds of a tiny minority.

It goes without saying that pet abusers must be squashed without mercy. And that includes women who expose themselves to their cats. When a cat sees a woman’s naked body its mental equilibrium is shattered: its whiskers begin to droop; it goes off milk; it begins to hallucinate, seeing hairy spiders crawling out of every crack. A large percentage of cat road deaths are probably suicides provoked by a pussy-to-pussy encounter. Trust me, girls, however much your cat loves you, it will never get a kick out of seeing you in the buff. Even a male gorilla would only be aroused by a naked woman in unusual circumstances which I’m not going to describe.

Labels: , ,

Tojo and his bug eyed monkeys, Germans and Italians, you know they all worship Satan and only have sex in unnatural ways, in other words not in the missionary position as God put doon in the bible.
Hmmm. I imagine a lot of western men don't see sex with a prostitute as cheating. What matters is that their wives see it as cheating. I have to wonder what the Japanese wives think about it.

But at least now I have a clue as to why my Friend's cats are all so crazy.

(by the way, the link to the article is messed up)
GB - As always a thought provoking post with many points well made.

However, were you aware that your post could be considered obscene. You see when interpreting the UK's Obscene publications Act the bench mark as to whether an image is obscene start with what is termed as an "Open Pussy shot" and your post has an open pussy clearly showing that pink inner sanctum.

I am not sure if Paul Botang still does defence work.
Comparing sex with a sleeping woman with the attack on Pearl Harbour is worth a tug of the beard
Interesting post, gb!

When I lived it Taiwan, i realised that a lot of the women didn't think sex with a prostitu was cheating. They even seemed to think it was a necessity for men! However, i think this is not true with younger generations.
I fear my poor little cat may well be suffering some deeply masochistic tendencies then, if I am to believe your post.
He simply will not leave me alone when I have a bath. He sits on the edge of the tub, still and unblinking, his big yellow eyes focused on my every watery manouevre.
He then attempts to dry me with his black glossy fur as I exit the bath.
His behaviour is most disturbing and I have often felt soiled after his voyeuristic bath time vigils.
But bathing again would give him too much pleasure...
"Tiny minority"?

Hmm, is that why blow-up sheep sell better in Wales than anywhere else then?

"it begins to hallucinate, seeing hairy spiders crawling out of every crack"

Considering the state of my scary cat-lady neighbor, I don't think those are hallucinations.
Dear gorilla bananas. This is why I don't keep a pet. And it wasn't the welsh. It was the new zealanders (in the cupboard with the candlestick, and the sheep).
Speaking of Japanese whores, can you point me in the right direction for any one of those featured on your journal. I have always had a thing for oriental ladies and understand they have a very different front entrance to English ladies. Lady Rat has said it's OK for me to get jiggy with one, but they just aren't available round these parts.
Knudsen: We can excuse you because you were alive during the Blitz but wasn't Scotland out of range?

Captain Smack: Thanks for letting me know, it's fixed. I suspect the wives don't feel threatened if it's with a call girl.

Uncle Norman: You know English law better than I do, but even a scared pussy is sometimes artistically justified.

Kim: You're making me miss that potty mouth El Barbudo.

Aku: I suppose the younger generation don't think it's a necessity now because more than enough girls are giving it away free.

D Minx: But being part succubus, you appear as a cat to a cat. And a very sexy one, I'll bet.

Mr X: Maybe they're being bought as presents for sheep. A human can have a real one, but the ewes play hard to get with inexperienced rams.

Ms Sparrow: Just how well do you know this woman?

Mrs Moi: Ah, I sense a bit of Aussie/Kiwi rivalry in that comment.

Mr Ratty: I wish I could help you. I heard that one thing is more difficult to find on them and another thing is easier.
There are still guys who copulate with women while they are asleep. They even buy women drinks with additional substances to make them sleepy in order to have sex with them, which is only a few rungs away from having sex with coma patients or dead people.
That pussy is very very scary! So, would it work if I had a severe "headache" then asked for money to go at it anyway...or is that just plain prostitution???
Another wee gem of wit, GB! Made me smile, made me frown, made me laugh again! Cross cultural communication is a funny old game - but it is an issue indeed. Nonetheless, underneath it all we are all the same: we all wanna love and be loved in return, respected and cherished. Love your posts as usual
"But is it right to blame the entire Welsh nation because a few frustrated shepherds have delved into the woolly abyss?"

I can't believe this of the Welsh. Tom Jones is Welsh, afterall, and he is a fine, upstanding, singing and hip-swiveling man about town.
Where does all this leave a bloke who's married to a prostitute? Not that I am...just wondering.
My word, GB. For a moment I thought I had hit the wrong link in my Favorites and was visiting

I'm afraid you are wrong about cats - it's very well known that tabby cats greet their owners in a similar manner to dogs sniffing each other's bums. Next time you meet a woman who owns a tabby cat you should ask her. She'd like that - women love men that take an interest....
so i can conclude that it would be best to marry a pre-ww2 japanese hooker with welsh upbringing who doesn't care for diamonds and has a crazy, wacked cat.
Wise words and timely warnings Mr Bananas, it explains something I never understood ergo why Mrs Slocombes pussy was always in a disturbed state in 'Are you being served'.
Mystery solved
Fatman: I was disgusted to see such horrors depicted in that silly movie Kill Bill.

Jenny!: Cash for sex is always prostitution. If you did it for milk and cookies that's a different story.

Ivonne: Thank you dearest, I hope you'll forgive my frank discussion of sexual matters. The Italian girlfriend was certainly not based on you.

Trish: Indeed he is, Trish, and an honorary gorilla to boot. The more you write, the more I like you.

dh A man is always cheated if his wife charges him for sex, irrespective of her profession.

Jungle Jane That website is appalling, nothing like the tasteful stuff you find here. The abuser always claims the victim wanted it, but that defence doesn't hold up in court these days.

Raffi: That sounds like an answer to a question in an IQ test. I think your wife would have a strange combination of qualities.

Beast: The sight of Mrs Slocombe in the nude is not something that any living creature could face with equanimity.
Well - I wanna hope so,GB! (",)
Ahh those crazy Germans!
The one you mentioned seemed relatively harmless.
I wonder how the Italian would have reacted if he suggested a feast on her bodily expulsions.

Welsh sheep shaggers eh?
I was also under the impression that moniker belonged to the Kiwis.
Their fondness for a bit of ovine companionship would explain the need to have 10 sheep for every man, woman and child.
Or it may be their ovine populations's scrapie free status that is responsible for such a high human / sheep ratio.
hey zuba, is that mummi?! if so, cool!

gb, nice summation, but you forgot the southern hemisphere, what's their take?
But I get scared if I see spiders emerging from every crack - does that make me a cat?
Hello Mr B

Is the reason that Japanese women sue their husbands so they can earn enough money to buy their own diamond ring? Personally, I think that is fair enough...

I don't think cats are THAT innocent though. My ed has a cat which apparently sits on their face every morning... 'nuff said.
Why is it always Welsh Shepherds?
I learn a lot more on this blog then I do from all my college textbooks put together!
And a sight more useful this is too.
"Even a male gorilla would only be aroused by a naked woman in unusual circumstances which I’m not going to describe."

oh do tell! The mind wonders....
Interesting and wise post, GB. I'm glad I surfed on over.
Zuba: Aren't the Kiwi sheep a tourist attraction? New Zealand is the No.1 destination for low budget bestiality.

Benjibopper: Southern hemisphere men like rough physical contact. Sheep are too soft, so they play rugby instead.

Goth: Some would say it makes you a pussy. Not staring at the cracks might help.

Miss Cheese: Does your editor have a big nose? Cats like a good nose-stroke in the morning. Your nose is petite and feminine. I can tell from the way you write.

Pi: I'm not sure. Maybe Welsh sheep are particularly attractive.

Princess Stef: I'm glad to hear it, Princess, but don't get rid of the textbooks just yet. I expect they cover a few topics that I won't have time to explain.

Ms Gap: It is written in the Bible that thou shalt not tempt the ape nor ask what turneth him on.

Susan: Welcome and thanks, Susan. Gorilla 'Owl' Bananas is my full name.
Does that Asian girl band know you've used their photo in a post about prostitution?

Bananas, man, you in a whole heap of trouble with the Yakuza.
I wasn't staring at the crack - just trying to fill it in.

I know not of such things GB, all I know is they have really good rugby union sides.

Benjibopper - Indeed it is :)
Mr Bananas,

My mummy always says that there is nothing wrong with paying an agreed price for an agreed service. You just have to make sure you steal their wallet afterwards to make it really worthwhile...

*skips off to look for Sniffy the tabby cat*
Oh my God, GB... *grin*
Maybe the Tokyo zoo would be a better place to meet?
Care for some sushi?
Oh GB,
just to add on...
I saw a late-night documentary on Channel 4 once that women posing for porn shots or nudity were given cats/kittens to hold and stroke as an experiemental trend by media producers & such, to bring England into a new sexual liberation....this probably being just before the time of Woodstock (early 60's), when England was said to hold a strict conservative attitude to films on nudity.
The Carry-On films were also said to subtly contribute to the use of pets & animals - to promote a freerer sexual liberation in Britain.
Oh GB, I hope you'll do a post on the Carry On films one day. Just so up your Congo street. :-)
Sorry for the grammar errors above, GB.
Also, the hippie era was in the late 60s. The cat trend in the earlier years.
Well, I love all ten of my sheep equally, and they never do get jealous or hold out in the hope of a ring. What would they do with it when they got it? I ask you
Auntie: I never said they were hookers, aunty, they look like good girls to me.

Goth: Use polyfiller if you don't want the spider to sneak out.

Zuba: True. I wonder if any of their club sides are called 'the rams'.

Pixie Sprinkle: Jungle Jane must have impregnated herself to produce you. Mind you manners here, Miss Naughty, this is a respectable blog.

Suzy: Hello Suzy dearest, I don't know if that many people remember the 'Carry On' films. I must admit having a fondness for stroking small cats.

Face: Face, baby, long time no see! You're more than any sheep deserves, they'd be lucky to get a sniff of your knickers.
thanks for clarifying GB.

Zuba, i became a big fan of mummi last summer, which i spent in beautiful finlandia chopping wood and writing prose.
I don't think I've laughed so hard in years.
Who are you?
Like that govenor said..."I'll be back!"
Out of range? the bastards dropped Hess on us.
They will, GB.
The Carry On films are shown as reruns in Australia & England ever so often.

I didn't see that part about the cats. Sheeesh! :-)
The Pearl Harbour analogy is a gem!

I think it matters more where the heart is and less where the privates are when it comes to fidelity. That's too glib though. I reckon people are people - infidelity is a deal-breaker for some people and probably ought to be prescribed for others.

Americans are ridiculous in their way about sex, both inside and outside marriage, (I just don't believe these sub-4% rates are real for the US) and the Japanese, in turn, are equally ridiculous in their way. What's gong on with the Russians though?
oooh! an amusing pictures of a cat! that's something you don't see much of on the net these days.
GB, you are just so funny! And i wish my hhusband was Japanese - I would feign a headache every night and eventually build up quite a treasure trove. Very useful for when oe gets fed up with the copulating-while-asleep scenario!

And thansk for your nice comment about my blog on Muttleys site. xxx
Jings, if you have as much sex as comments, i'm beginning to get jealous!
Excellent blog.
Where is you're evidence that cats aren't turned on by naked woman?

I demand scientific data.
Ms Noonan:: I'm no one special, ma'am, but I'm glad to have made you laugh.

Knudsen: Hess? Ah, you've got a good memory in spite of all the booze.

Suzy: But I sense they're not as popular as they were. I mentioned Carry on Spying in an earlier post. Have you seen that one?

Sidhu: Glad you liked it. You and Kim Ayres have similar tastes.

Sam: Why Sam, honey, you read the article I linked! A big gorilla hug for you!

Rivergirlie: Amusing, you say? That cat certainly wasn't amused.

Poshmum: Thank you so much, my dear mummy. I'm glad you saw that comment because I meant it.

Snoring Man: Thank you, Sir, you are welcome here any time.

Freelance: Have you ever seen a cat flicking through a copy of Penthouse magazine? Cats are too embarrassed to admit they've been flashed, but their faces tell a sordid tale.
But I don't know Polly - I knew a Polly but I didn't want to fill her, just be good friends......
GB - more than likely :)

Benjibopper - Sounds very salubrious indeed, very jealous.
Is that how cats really react?

I am sure my cat is part of The Cat Parliament and reports back. Often.

It is lucky I did not have a full bladder while reading this or I would have pissed myself laughing. No biggie for you of course, you can pee anywhere, but I am sitting on a nice office chair.

A large percentage of cat road deaths are probably suicides provoked by a pussy-to-pussy encounter.

Praise where praise is due gorilla bananas, nowhere on the net is there an animal, an actual animal (you) giving us real life insight into the way other animals think. And for that you deserve the Nobel peace prize. I would be glad to nominate you?
Fuck. I am comment number 55. I really have to be a little more regular with regards to your blog you funny bastard.

His concept of sex was a zero sum game – the more she hates it, the better it is for me.

If this is wrong, I don't want to be right....
Rosanna: I know you have a bedroom cat, Miss! Only you know what he has seen!

Emma: Thanks very much Emma, that's a flattering suggestion. I'm glad you didn't wet yourself. What made me laugh was the picture of the cat. It's difficult to laugh at your own writing because the element of surprise isn't there. Funny + surprise = laughter.

Eddie Waring: Haha, agreeing with the German! She only needs to pretend to hate it, of course. One to discuss with the wife, perhaps?
NOW I know why you think my cat hates me...
It's about time you read it! Who do you think I wrote it for?
Hi GB,
I've only just started to read you. I will look it up. *red-faced*
Great post ! I loved it. I'm sorry i have not been reading you more !!

for the record, I do walk around naked in front of my boy cat, but I cannot masturbate while he's on the bed with me. He makes me feel violated and all exposed... and I cant concentrate.
Thank you, Ms Smack. I'm glad to hear you spare your cat the bean-flicking show, that really would be too much.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin