Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Blog pictures
An anonymous emailer (ictits@yahoo.com) asks me if any pictures would be too distasteful for this blog.
“Yes, a picture of your head on a platter,” I reply.
An impertinent question deserves a facetious reply. As far as I’m concerned, none of the pictures published here is distasteful. Those of a sensitive disposition might find some of them disturbing or bewildering, but that can’t be helped. We live in a disturbing and bewildering age. It is better to look reality in the eye than nuzzle utopia in the groin. If you want to live in a fools’ paradise, go to Disneyland and play booty-bumps with Mickey and Goofy.
It goes without saying that the internet is overflowing with pictures I would never post here. I recently came across a particularly inappropriate one of the model Candice Swanepoel. It shows her in a state of undress with the head of a purring cat between her thighs. I suppose she thought the pussy-on-pussy motif was funny, but to me it’s a flagrant case of pet abuse. The cat may be snoozing contentedly, but it looks like a bigger twat than the one it’s obscuring. The feline gods have been offended, and will revenge themselves on mankind by spraying the suburbs with rainstorms of piss.
A nude photo of Miss Swanepoel not being nutmegged by her cat would have been okay, but I probably wouldn’t have published it. Human nakedness does not interest me unless the naked human is making a statement of some kind. An example of such has been provided by the actress Minnie Driver, whose naked form is displayed above. Apparently she’d received an unflattering response to pictures of herself on twitter, so she decided to naysay the naysayers by proudly flaunting her flesh:
“I’ve got a banging body,” insisted Minnie.
We gorillas prefer more meat on our females, but that’s not a criticism of Minnie. I believe there are men who lust after waifish women, possibly because it makes them feel bigger and manlier. Good luck to them.
Below is the kind of picture I most enjoy uploading – it’s of the actor Kellan Lutz making an arse of himself in front of a gorilla. He’s going to play Tarzan in another remake of the classic jungle fantasy, and his antics were an attempt to practise for the role. Little does he know that few gorillas have heard of Tarzan, so it’s very unlikely the silverback in the picture is thinking “Oh, what a good actor that fellow is.” From the look on his face, I would guess he is thinking “Oh, look at that man making an arse of himself.”
I wouldn’t say I’m hostile to Tarzan, but it’s never been explained why he wore a loincloth. No human infant brought up by apes would be ashamed of his genitals. I believe women found the sight of a man's dangly bits embarrassing when the first Tarzan films appeared, but don’t the women of today just laugh at such sights?
Labels: cat abuse, men's dangly bits, Minnie Driver, Tarzan
Friday, May 25, 2007
Doing it your way
I’ve never been very impressed with the “cultural differences” you humans make such a fuss about. To a gorilla, you all seem long on ceremony and short on hair. Yet the news that Japanese men don’t consider having sex with a prostitute to be cheating on their wives gave me pause for thought. Apparently, they just can’t see how paying for an agreed service at an agreed price is cheating anyone. Their logic has a peculiar force, so it surprises me that men of other nations don’t reason in the same way.
In Japan, a man is unfaithful to his wife if he tricks her into having sex when she doesn’t want to. Suppose, for example, that she’s got a headache and isn’t in the mood for it. Her husband might then promise to buy her a diamond ring if she’ll close her eyes and think of General Tojo. But if he doesn’t produce the gem within 30 days, his wife can sue for divorce on the grounds of fraud. Back in the olden days, it was permissible for a Japanese man to copulate with his wife while she was asleep. This was outlawed by the Americans after World War 2 because of its tactical similarity to the surprise attack at Pearl Harbour.
It seems that even European nations differ markedly in sexual practices. A German man was shocked to find that his Italian girlfriend wanted to climax at the same time he did. He told her that he couldn’t possibly enjoy an orgasm while she was having an even better one – that would be like eating sorbet for dessert while she was gorging on Black Forest gateau. His practice with German women was to make them climax first using non-penetrative methods. He would then instruct them to feign disgust during intercourse by calling him a “filthy swine” and other more abusive terms. His concept of sex was a zero sum game – the more she hates it, the better it is for me.
I don’t want to say too much about cross-species fornication between humans and their livestock. These activities seem greatly exaggerated to me. With millions of sheep and humans sharing the same living space, there are bound to be occasions where passions run out of control and a young ewe wakes up one morning with shame burning in her delicate cheeks. That’s just a fact of life. But is it right to blame the entire Welsh nation because a few frustrated shepherds have delved into the woolly abyss? The decent majority must not be stigmatised for the misdeeds of a tiny minority.
It goes without saying that pet abusers must be squashed without mercy. And that includes women who expose themselves to their cats. When a cat sees a woman’s naked body its mental equilibrium is shattered: its whiskers begin to droop; it goes off milk; it begins to hallucinate, seeing hairy spiders crawling out of every crack. A large percentage of cat road deaths are probably suicides provoked by a pussy-to-pussy encounter. Trust me, girls, however much your cat loves you, it will never get a kick out of seeing you in the buff. Even a male gorilla would only be aroused by a naked woman in unusual circumstances which I’m not going to describe.
In Japan, a man is unfaithful to his wife if he tricks her into having sex when she doesn’t want to. Suppose, for example, that she’s got a headache and isn’t in the mood for it. Her husband might then promise to buy her a diamond ring if she’ll close her eyes and think of General Tojo. But if he doesn’t produce the gem within 30 days, his wife can sue for divorce on the grounds of fraud. Back in the olden days, it was permissible for a Japanese man to copulate with his wife while she was asleep. This was outlawed by the Americans after World War 2 because of its tactical similarity to the surprise attack at Pearl Harbour.
It seems that even European nations differ markedly in sexual practices. A German man was shocked to find that his Italian girlfriend wanted to climax at the same time he did. He told her that he couldn’t possibly enjoy an orgasm while she was having an even better one – that would be like eating sorbet for dessert while she was gorging on Black Forest gateau. His practice with German women was to make them climax first using non-penetrative methods. He would then instruct them to feign disgust during intercourse by calling him a “filthy swine” and other more abusive terms. His concept of sex was a zero sum game – the more she hates it, the better it is for me.
I don’t want to say too much about cross-species fornication between humans and their livestock. These activities seem greatly exaggerated to me. With millions of sheep and humans sharing the same living space, there are bound to be occasions where passions run out of control and a young ewe wakes up one morning with shame burning in her delicate cheeks. That’s just a fact of life. But is it right to blame the entire Welsh nation because a few frustrated shepherds have delved into the woolly abyss? The decent majority must not be stigmatised for the misdeeds of a tiny minority.
It goes without saying that pet abusers must be squashed without mercy. And that includes women who expose themselves to their cats. When a cat sees a woman’s naked body its mental equilibrium is shattered: its whiskers begin to droop; it goes off milk; it begins to hallucinate, seeing hairy spiders crawling out of every crack. A large percentage of cat road deaths are probably suicides provoked by a pussy-to-pussy encounter. Trust me, girls, however much your cat loves you, it will never get a kick out of seeing you in the buff. Even a male gorilla would only be aroused by a naked woman in unusual circumstances which I’m not going to describe.
Labels: cat abuse, Peal Harbour, zero sum game
