Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Tarzan and Jane

An English couple at the safari guesthouse recently performed a Tarzan-and-Jane sketch. I reproduce it below with stage directions:

Enter Jane, wearing furry bikini and examining coconut in her hand.

Jane (shouting): Oh Tarzan! Would you help me break open this coconut?

Enter Tarzan, wearing trademark loincloth and expression of Class A meathead. Takes coconut from Jane and taps it gingerly against his forehead.

Tarzan: Hum! This hard coconut! Tarzan go and find rock!

Jane (contemptuously): Oh give it to me!

Snatches coconut from Tarzan and smashes it against his skull, causing it to break into roughly equivalent hemispheres. Tarzan staggers about in a daze.

Tarzan (muttering): Humphwurumph.

Jane rubs some coconut oil on her tummy and looks at Tarzan coyly.

Jane (in hoochie mama voice): Does Tarzan want to rub oil on Jane’s boobies?

Tarzan opens eyes wide, turns to face audience and then looks at Jane.

Tarzan: Not tonight Jane. Tarzan got headache!

The couple took their bow amid raucous laughter and cheers. After leaving briefly to change into more formal dress, they returned to bask in the praise of their fellow guests. For some reason they were particularly interested in what I had to say, and awaited my appraisal of their performance as if I were the Ape from Del Monte.

“Quite splendid!” I enthused. “If Johnny Weissmuller were here today his pecs would be throbbing with envy. And his co-star who played Jane would be rushing off to get her boobs enlarged. You have put a teaspoon of chilli powder into a dish growing bland with age!”

They beamed with delight and asked me for my autograph, which I was happy to provide.

We gorillas have no particular animus towards Tarzan, although it was rather presumptuous to call him “Lord of the Apes”. There are no titles in the jungle and a solo man is in no position to lord it over anyone, no matter how much beefcake he is carrying. Other than that, the story is pretty flattering to us. A human infant of noble birth is adopted by a mysterious band of apes and suckled by a surrogate ape mother. They bring him up to be a model jungle citizen who always tells the truth and repels dastardly interlopers with vigorous and well-aimed flying kicks. The only point against him is that he never really lets his hair down and boogies like an ape. Perhaps his tribe were devout Presbyterians or something. But basically he is a good egg.

Jane is obviously thrown into the story to complete the fantasy for the human male. Her presence implies that you can live like a real jungle ape, swinging wildly through the trees, while cohabiting with a hoity-toity mistress. It does seem a little far-fetched though. A woman like Jane might well have consented to a roll in the undergrowth with Tarzan, but I can’t imagine her willingly moving into the tree house with him. Yet before we pour scorn on the fable, let us recall that it inspired a little girl called Jane Goodall to respond to the lure of the jungle. As my well-informed readers will know, she went on to become a celebrated chronicler of chimpanzee society and the best-looking white woman in Africa.

While the Tarzan books have their place in popular fiction, the Tarzan films are something else. When I saw my first Tarzan movie, I hooted with laughter on hearing the ape-man’s famous ululating cry. You see, it actually means something in baboon language. A rough translation is:

“Look! Look at my erection! Look at my erection!”

What makes it doubly funny is that no baboon with an erection would ever dream of voicing such an exhortation. He wouldn’t be so damned silly. Rather than alerting his rivals to his condition, he would sneak off to find an unguarded female in season – or failing that, an unweaned baby wart hog. The wonderful thing is that the European Union has now ruled that the famous chant cannot be registered as a trademark, allowing Tarzan impersonators to yell it to their heart’s content. For long may they continue to do so!

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Wonderful, Mr. Bananas. I shall retire to my bed tonight laughing my human head off.
I'm just going to lay it on you. I could not read past the line "furry bikini." I stopped reading because I was too busy snorting red wine through my nose as I wondered if Jane had put on a furry bikini or if it was, ahem, authentic. (bad liv, bad liv.)
"Stephen James, a partner in R G C Jenkins & Co, the London-based intellectual-property firm that lodged the application, said: “I have spent the past ten years trying to get Tarzan’s yell trademarked but the difficulty has been putting a sound down on paper."

One wonders what it would take for Mr James to comprehend the point that Tarzan's cry CANNOT be trademarked. Perhaps he needs to find something else to occupy his days? Something like a Jane in a fur bikini?

:-) x
I can't get over that photograph of Jane at the top of your post. She is deftly made up, her hair is nicely coiffed, and she is wearing a crisply-ironed white blouse (in the Before Polyester age, too) AND a belt. Just the thought of wearing such clothes in West Africa makes me swoon. A fur bikini would be infinitely more comfortable.
Lord of the Apes, eh? We Welsh feel your pain, GB. There's a jub-eared Kraut shuffling around claiming to be Prince of Wales, but we had no say in choosing him. That would have involved an ordeal by the ancient Welsh martial art of ffai-ten, and he'd have had to put down rebellions by his two brothers (the fun, probably Welsh, one and the gay one) before having his head cut off by the English monarch - his mam, as it happens. At least she'd be happy.
The whole raising of the abandoned baby by the apes is my favourite part of the story. Far more convincing than a pack of wolves doing the childrearing and the singing bear lark.

I imagine female gorillas would make very good nannies. I have a opening if you know of any out of work gentle gorilla ladies.
Baboons molesting baby warthogs? I can't find the words. If the News of the World gets hold of this ... I was once voted the best-dressed woman in Africa. My boubou was the talk of the bush telegraph.
Perhaps Tarzan just had a thing for Baboons.
Saintly Nick: Glad to have tickled your funny bone, Reverend. We apes also appreciate the spiritual aspects of humour.

Liv: That might be possible for a female gorilla if you shaved her in the right areas, but it wouldn't be a pretty sight.

Kitty: The man is a modern-day Scrooge - thank goodness he has failed.

Mary: I think that's what attracted Tarzan to her. She was so much more than the cave girl next door.

Mr Boyo: Wasn't there was a time when the Welsh used to protest about this, chanting "Llewellyn is our Prince!" and so forth? Nowadays, I get the impression that the Welsh elite all suck up to the House of Windsor.

Misssy: You are right. Female gorillas are very gentle with human children, although they can be a bit rough with grown men. I'll put up adverts on the trees.

Lady Daphne: Obliging a baboon is the least of a baby wart hog's worries - a lot of them end up as snacks for big cats. I'm sure there was a Frenchman called Bou bou...

Mosha: If so, he knew little about their courting methods.
Ha ha! Couldn't agree more, Bananas. You make some interesting points about creeping EEC imperialism I hadn't thought of - well done. And readers of Mr. Bananas may be interested to know that the fight against those evil devils in Europe continues at - the internet's best place to keep ahead of their pernicious European games. If you care about Britain, visit this site today. If you don't, well, you should be beheaded quite frankly.
As for Tarzan's cry, presumably he learned it somewhere. Nature versus nurture, you know. It doesn't speak well of his chimp foster mother to have played him for sport like that.
You're right there, GB. WE used to chant "Llewelyn is our Prince!" until pendants pointed out that a). there were many Llywelyns, which do we mean? b). they're all dead, and c). Glyndwr was our last proper prince, so why are we dissing him? The Welsh elite suck up to the Windsors because they are traitors to the Red Book of Hergest, the Black Book of Carmarthen and, in all probability, the White Book of Eifionydd. And they're scared the Stuarts might come back.
Lol. Reading that article, I think I must be the only person 'between 5 and 105' who can't really imagine what Tarzan's cry was (I did watch the movie... maybe it didn't stick in my mind).
It would be fun if you published another book on all this content, GB. :-)
Still wondering where you draw your colourful inspiration from.
Eve, it goes like this: Aaaaaah ah-ah-ah-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ah-ah-ah aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Hope that makes things clearer.
I never was a fan of Tarzan
What sort of self repsecting man goes around in a leather loin cloth?
Mr Bananas
I loved your cousins performance in the Jungle Book cartoon, a louis Armstrong impersonation, banana skin on his head and still managed to retain hid dignity.
And NO!
I wont send you the secret of fire.
BPP:You're hammering your head against a brick wall and possibly making it rounder.

Randall: I'm sure it wasn't his mother. Possibly his tree-climbing instructor.

Mr Boyo: Welsh history is like a bowl of leek soup - full of bits hidden below the surface. The English never caught up with Owain did they?

Eve: I'm sure you can find an audio file somewhere. You never forget it once you've heard it.

Suzan: I'll be sure to give you a copy if I do.

Sam: Not bad, but you'd need to invent a few new vowels to do it justice.

Hitch: King Louis stole the show if not the fire. Wrote about him here. The singer was Louis Prima, who was also quite famous.
No, no, no, Tarzan's cry was quite definitely: Aaaaah-ee-ah-ee-ah-ee-ahh-eeee-ahhhhhhh
Baboons rape baby wart hogs? Has Dateline heard about this?
It would be fun if you published another book on all this content, GB. :-)

You what? have you published a book already. where can i buy it?

Also, as a Presbytarian myself I take offence to the idea that Preses cannot let their hair down. All the strapping young lads wore kilts for St Andrews Day the other sunday and let's say all their haggises were left bare and that we later had a riproaring shindig up Pastor's Alley

oh dear GB I fear I am drunk ...
I never really felt Maureen O' Sullivan really appreciated Jonnny fully.
Oh did I miss the 'h'?
Hi :), Nice blog
Look from Quebec Canada

WWG :)
I for one am entranced by the Tarzan story and I regularly give his manly hollah! I was pleased to learn it won't be trademarked, as that would have been annoying to say the least!

Do you agree with me that there is no modern filmstar who could measure up to Weismuller who was also an olympic swimmer. Do you think he waxed his armpits or shaved them??
Mrs Cake: I think you've got your 'ahs' and 'ees' mixed up. It's: Aah, aah-ee-ah-ee-ah, aah-ee-ah-ee-ah.

Kara: Not sure it's rape under porcine law. Piglets will willingly suck just about anything.

Emma: I'll mail it to you if you trust me with your address, otherwise google Japing Ape on Amazon. Those prezzies sound lapsed to me. I especially savour comments from drunk women!

Pi: I never knew they were having an affair.

Wwg: Vive les Quebecois!

Mutley: I'm sure Weismuller could have made mincemeat of Russell Crowe. Joe Bugner is the only actor who might have defeated him. That said, I believe he used Immac to remove his body hairs.
Hmmm. I don't know what to make of this post. Like the blog, though. But talking bout baboon-ish dickies isn't really my thing. =p
Marvellous post Mr B , but it left me wondering , as to the upbringing of our very own Jungle Jane , there is a girl that was brought up by baboons if ever I saw one......
That Tarzan fellow was the one, true King of the Swingers.
"Tarzan got headache!" Classic.

I'm always a little disappointed when people go off to live among the zebras or the elephants or the grass snakes of Cumbria. It smacks of something. There's 6500000000 people to choose from, but oh no, not good enough, I'm off to rough it among the apes, (no offence) and study them and write a few books, make a film, get on the cover of Time and lay out some neurotic drivel as the noble philosophy I learned from the monkeys.
Sorry G.B., I needs a drink. That lion woman was the same, what was she called, Viginia MacKenna. what she didn't tell us was how lions are the bad bastards of the plains, driven by evil and wickedness.
Then there was the otter man of the highlands. He was all right, I met him a couple of times. I was very young. But his books were a bore.
So one would assume that if Jane contracted an STD she would have:-

an itchy, scratchy, sore and raw, furry bikini?
I must ask:

Do you get enough sex? Or are these post intended for us readers to get some....

Pamsong: Hello and welcome! Baboon dickies are not the main thrust of our discussions, I assure you.

Beast: Glad you liked it, Beast. Our beloved Jungle Jane only pretends to be inspired by baboons. She's actually an utter sweetheart.

Lord Likely: And a nobleman too by birth! Possibly a distant relative of your lordship!

Dr Maroon: Perhaps they are trying to mend their broken hearts. As the poet Marvin croaked:
Snow can burn your eyes, but only people make you cry.
But the lion lovers just need a good kick in the arse, as you imply.

Goth: I see you have an ear for song lyrics!

Jahooni: Good heavens! My posts are certainly not intended to be a sex substitute! As for myself, I oscillate between infrequently and in-frequently.
Oh that's nice to know. =)
Hello there GB!!!
Been a while, but I'm back.
Oh how I enjoyed the return to your rather insightful and amusing site.
Especially the pic of french farmers clogging up the freeway and the baboon with the half mongrel.
Ideally I would like to see more aroused baboons driving tractors but that may be a fantasy I never have fulfilled.
Since you ask, GB, Owain Glyndwr carried out a, er, orderly tactical retreat to his in-laws the Scudamores' place in Hereford (Occupied Swydd Henffordd), and is believed by some to be buried in the family crypt. The fly-agaric-based community holds that:

He is but sleeping in a cave, Awaiting the call,
Alongside Arthur, Merlin
And General de Gaulle.
Immac hay?

I shall give it a go - as with increasing age I am becoming increasingly hirsute - I know this is OK for you Mr GB, however for we humans it is a little odd.
gorillas dicks are even more "compact"
Mr Bnanas ebvies baboons
Pamsong: I apologize for hitch's comment below, Ma'am. Some men cannot control themselves.

Zuba: Welcome back! I'm glad you weren't too distracted by the booby pictures.

Sabrina: I feel as if I've just given you a tickle torture!

Mr Boyo: Very enlightening. I admire him for his elusiveness and his ability to keep his head on his shoulders.

Mutley: Start with the nose and ears and work downwards.

Hitch: Au contraire, Hitch. I have a collection of buffalo penises which expand to the size of a marrow when you put them in water.
Bo Derek was the best Jane. I never saw the film, just the photos.
Well, it is the season to be jolly...
gorilla...just wondering if the "fur bikini" isn't pictured on hitch's that the real jane afterall? scary thought!
Ms. Goodall went on to marry a local tribesman, as far as I can remember. I don't know if he looked like Tarzan at all though.
I remember receiving a video of Ms Goodall doing her thing when I was a child. I don't recall her being particularly attractive, but that was probably because 1) I preferred brunettes even from an early age, and 2)there was something distinctly unsettling about a woman who sought the company of chimpanzees over fellow humans. I only hope she eventually found what her heart desired.
Foot Eater: She doesn't talk in the photos, which might increase her allure.

Rosanna: Indeed it is.

Daisy: She may have been Tarzan's nanny.

Sidhu: I thought she had an affair with a white naturalist.

Dr Joe: Perhaps she found it easier to make friends with chimps. They are quite easy to please and don't argue about politics or religion.
Dear Gorilla Bananas. I posted a question for you concerning human male/gorilla female relationships of your "Men of Nature's Calling" blog. I didn't want you to miss it.
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