Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Burnt sausage

No words of condemnation are strong enough for the Russian woman who set fire to her ex-husband’s penis. The couple had been forced to share an apartment, in spite of their divorce, because of the housing shortage in Moscow. When people are packed liked sardines into too few dwellings, it’s inevitable that penises will burn. Tragedies like this will go on occurring until the reactionary forces impeding the construction industry are crushed like satsumas. As an investor in the sector, I have offered my services to any house-building consortium facing obstruction from pointy-headed bureaucrats or selfish residents. They don’t call me Bulldozer Bananas for nothing.

This certainly does not excuse the woman’s stunt in any way. Cock-arson is a serious crime no matter how cramped the living conditions. She claims that her ex-husband was a philanderer and patron of pornography. Maybe he was, but isn’t that why she divorced him? Once a marriage has been dissolved, the wife has sold her stock in Johnson Enterprises and has no say in the use of its drilling equipment. You cannot torch a penis like a medieval heretic simply because it’s having too much fun – that sort of discredited argument was used to convict women on trumped-up charges of witchcraft. I hope the Russian judges will ignore her lame excuses and throw her in the slammer. Let her confront her inner demons by frying hot-dogs in the prison kitchen.

I’m sure the feminist movement won’t make a cause célèbre of this hot-fingered harridan. They’d be better advised to refute impertinent suggestions that her behaviour was inspired by “penis envy”. I remember Smacker Ramrod, the circus vet, getting told off by a well-spoken lady for suggesting that lesbians might be jealous of a man’s manhood.

“Penis envy is a Freudian myth, Mr Ramrod!” she declared. “If anything, it is you men who envy our wombs and our ability to bear children. It wouldn’t surprise me if you also envied the clitoris and our capacity for multiple orgasms.”

“Clitoris envy!” exclaimed Smacker. “It’s hard enough to find the ruddy thing let alone be envious of it!”

I should add that this conversation took place in the 1980s, before most men knew where a lady’s love button was located. The woman offered to send him a manual with diagrams. I believe that modern girls pierce it with a ring to make it easier to find.

Yet in the final analysis these anatomical questions matter little. Even if a woman’s clitoris were the same size as a penis (as is the case for female hyenas), this would not bring about harmony between the sexes. Any gorilla can see that the root cause of the marital malaise is disappointed expectations. A wife wants her husband to be her knight in shining armour, utterly devoted to her happiness, utterly immune to temptation. The problem is not that no men are capable of this. Quite a few are, as a matter of fact, which leaves women stuck with a typical Joe Jockstrap (or worse) feeling terribly let down.

It would surely be much easier for women if all men truly were selfish pigs who neglected their spouses and exploited every opportunity to chase available skirt. At least they’d know what to expect and could evaluate their suitors purely as breeding stock. The worst feeling for a housewife is knowing that she‘s lumbered with a lemon which she can’t return to the store.

Labels: , ,

When people are packed liked sardines into too few dwellings, it’s inevitable that penises will burn.

I swear I saw that very sentence in a real estate ad plastered on the side of a bus.
According to the article, he asked her to get him a bottle of vodka and she duly obliged - perhaps she thought it would make him more flammable?
if one can't take the heat, s/he should definitely leave the kitchen.
Smacker Ramrod? Holy crap, that's my long lost uncle! Everyone wondered why he had disappeared, but I always had a feeling he'd decided to run away with the circus.
I don't know if you remember John Wayne Bobbit and his wife, Lorena.

She cut off his penis and threw it into a field. Bizarrely, after having the appendage re-attached, John went on to have a lucrative (if icky) career in porn. Lorena did not.

I reckon if there's a market for fire based penis porn, it's Russia.
The problem with the poor is they have no money to fight over. Rich men get to keep their penises and live to philander another day by virtue of their chequebooks, which generally provide greater satisfaction than the penis, Ms R suspects.
It certainly does open up a whole world of incendiary opportunities for Bonfire Night...
particularly if one is looking to make lemonade out of lemons..
Kara: "Penises will burn" is a phrase that's often been used by desperate salesmen.

Kitty: Indeed she did. She gave his knob a good dousing before setting it alight.

Jen: I agree, but this fellow was sleeping in the lounge!

Captain Smack: I do recall him mentioning a nephew who had imaginary friends called 'Elvis' and 'Jesus'.

Misssy: How could we forget the Bobbits? I still think they should have tried to reconcile their differences.

Ms Robinson: Yes, rich men can protect their penises by compensating enraged wives with hard cash.

Domestic Minx: 'Burning the Guy's Penis' could be a new Bonfire Night tradition. It would certainly require more skill than burning the whole body.
Mr Bananas , as I have stated before a good percentage of the ladies only have themselves to blame , as they seem to be most attracted to the 'lemons ' of this world with complete diregard to common sense , do you think there is a womb override that switches the common sense gene off as soon as a complete arse swaggers into view. I do not excuse the male of the species from this observation , show them badly bleached hair , a fake tan that you wouldnt use to treat your shed and fences and 4 pounds of fat with a nipple on the end and the brain is immediatley dis-engaged.
BTW how is your portfolio? Mine is rubbish.
Oh, she should go to jail, alright. And I have no doubt she will. I would imagine that the men on any jury will think that "cock arson" is worse than the most foul murder, and consider it high treason, as well.
I've heard about them piercing their love buttons. That must smart. Do they get it done down the mall? At the key-cutters maybe.
Bang! There you go luv, Don't forget, detol every two hours.
Not sure about jail anyone who would do such a thing is clearly quite mental, that photo is quite fitting, vulgar when you read on but appropriate none the less.

Cool blog by the way!
btw I was refering to your previous diana post of august 30 2006, the coloured tissue one. Right enough Robinson Crusoe was a particular favourite as well. Oh that's right, it's coming back to me.
Whyever have you brought all that up again?
hmm don't know what happened there but I couldn't post my name not that theres much difference
I once saw a circus act/live sex show where a female flame swallower tried to swallow a gentleman's penis, which was ablaze.

It was the most erotic thing I have ever seen.
Beast: I think that humans have a tendency to project the person they want into the body they like. Men are the same. Don't you assume that a pretty girl has a pretty personality until proven otherwise?

Ms Robinson: I've sent you an e-mail, Ms R.

Trish: I wouldn't give her a long sentence, though, it was clearly a heat of moment thing. I wonder if she had PMT?

Dr Maroon: I've researched this for you. It's not actually the love button that's pierced but the fold of skin above it. The ring then hangs over it. It doesn't look painful to me, but then it wouldn't. I brought up Robinson Crusoe because my friend Jungle Jane recently insisted that he was an enormous wanker, even though he never wrote about it in his journal. I wish you had been there to take my side of the argument.

Nonny: Hello and welcome. I couldn't find a photo of a burnt dick so I used a sausage instead.
Your words on marital harmony are wise and thoughtful - as are your comments on groin based conflagrations. I am humbled by your knowledge oh great Gorilla ....
Said man should have invested in a George Forman grilling machine! Reason one, it endorsed by the second greatest boxer I have ever heard of ( I know of two). Reason two, by the time it'd heated round his flaccid member, he would have gone through five children, four further divorces and a Ukranian woman's armchair back. By that time, one would think, a burnt member would be a welcome closure -it'd taste damn great, without the fat, too!
I have to take issue with you on the fact that that is NOT a burnt sausage - it is quite clearly an adequately barbecued one. My children will confirm this fact as they have vast experience in the field of properly burned sausages since I began my fixation with this blogging stuff...
maybe the husband can now perform in an adult video with his charred chipper? sorta like john wayne bobbit after his wife cut his member off and threw it from her car on the side of a highway.
Damn! Imagine if women had a clitoris as big as a penis!! One could get a right old rogering if she was feeling extremely randy.
Might be a bad or good thing, depending on your sexual persuasion.
Hell even gay men might be enticed into a sexual relationship with a female.
Knob pyromaniac - that must be the basis of a book, a bad book.
I read the report and was a little disappointed that it only took a a splash of vodka and a newspaper torch. I was expecting a small, but well thought out penile pyre.
Mutley: Well don't be too humble, there's a world full of horny women and only one Mutley to pleasure them.

Other Dave: The penis would be duped by the 'rope-a-dope' and floored in Round 8 before it ever
had the chance to get burnt.

Ms Cake: Well spotted! For some reason, no one takes pictures of genuinely burnt ones.

Jahooni: He's a tough fellow if that's the only thing he said.

Raffi: I doubt it would stay in one piece.

Zuba: Female athletes who take steroids grow bigger ones, but I don't think they can do everything a penis can.

Minx: I suppose there are limits to what can be done to a sleeping man's dick. It might make a good "based on a true story" film.
Maybe the lack of photographic evidence is due to the embarrassing presence of grill marks on the poor man's weewee. He had dinner and drinks in mind, but surely not this.
That's it... I'm turning vegetarian. and I'll never look at female hyenas the same way again.
No way are women envious of the penis, not when they've got chocolate and cosmopolitan magazine and 'coffee afternoons'.
Men like having their genitalia set on fire, there are loads of clips on YouTube, like this one. (I bet that link doesn't work).
Hello sir Gorilla ,

We live a formidable time !

John Bobbitt, Which had become famous after his wife had cut to him..." the Zigouigoui , the popole Turtleneck ,the zizi,the kiki , the trilili , the kikette ...Bref "The male genital organ is what there is more Light to the world,a simple thought raises it"

Et bien moi je porte une armure !!

Ce que femme veut , dieu le veut , évidemment dieu ne pouvait pas prévoir ce que femme ne voulait pas ??

Je pense que pour le petit anneau qu'elle mettent , fait office de "Porte-Clés" !!
Damn I forget to translate!!

And indeed I I carry an armor!!

What woman wants, god wants him obviously god could not foresee what woman did not want??

I think that for the small ring which she put, acted of "Key ring"!!
I love a good, 'hot cock in the tower block story'.
Cooper Green: I think it was flambeed rather than grilled.

Chickybabe: Female hyenas dominate the males but they don't actually mount them. They are still ladies.

Asym42: The chocolate finger is surely tastier than the knob.

Men: The clip did work, Lady Daphne! I assume that Che found it for you. The pleasure seemed to come from the snuffing out rather than the igniting.

Dip doc: "Even God cannot fathom a woman's mind" is a very French-sounding proverb.

Tickersoid: This one got too hot.
I can think of a few other things that can be done to a penis that has nothing ot do with fire!
I do recall an old friend of my throwing his hands in the air and saying in complete frustration, 'what the fuck is wrong with you females ? Why do the nice guys always lose out to the bastard?' You're right - there are lots of lovely nice men out there, it's just we don't like them. I think the poor woman secretly still fancied her husband. She just wanted him to get tough.
Barbecued food is always burnt on the outside but red-raw on the inside. But we still eat it, because it's rude not to. It helps if the salad is nice though.

What this has to do with your post, god knows.
Another brilliant blog as usual dear Gorilla.

on penis envy, I don't have penis envy. But if I wanted a penis, I should have one. and let me tell you, it would be the biggest penis in the world.

I would also get a red sports car, develop a paunch and go slightly bald.

Man! I feel like a woman...
I see you've been out 'n' about eh Bananas?
Gorilla, I am just at this moment writing a piece on the malaise of marriage which will appear on my blog next week....and the conclusion I have come to about why most modern marriages are up shit creek is, indeed, as you say, 'disappointed expectations.'

Everyone wants to fall in love and have a big wedding and blah blah blah, but then you are confined in a tight space for years and years and the sheer proximity drives most people crazy. So much better to be a free roaming gorilla...which is why, in my opinion, gorilla divorces are relatively few!
Quite right, GB, after years of evolution, us women just can't seem to get rid of the disappointment gene. The only option for some is to burn todgers. For the rest of us, we lie back and think of Johnny Depp.
Jenny!: I bet you've twiddled more knobs than a TV repair man.

LaughyKate: Females sometime confuse arrogance with dominance.

Asym: I suggest you hire an Australian for your next barbecue.

Mermaid: Thank you, dear Mermaid. I don't want to imagine you with a penis. An exotic creature like you is irresistible without one.

BPP: I've been places you wouldn't believe existed.

Emma: Very true. If you're human, your soul mate is someone you can live happily with under the same roof.

Miss Cheese: Hello, Miss Cheese! Love is hard work for humans. Perhaps it cannot be otherwise.
enidd wonders if there are any animals with cocks like cumberland sausages. that would be amusing.
And yet it's not as final as actually cutting it off - like whatsername did some time back. Bobbitt wasn't it?
This made me snort with laughter more than anything has in quite some time. Not that I'm defending cock-arson in any way.
Goodness gracious great balls of fire! The battle of the sexes have resorted to cock burning now? Not only will the hag get half of everything he owns she's going to incinerate the half of what is still his.

As you know GB, I lived with my ex-girlfriend for a few months after we split up and everything was peachy. No severed penis, no burnt members. She did throw objects at my head from time to time though.
Enidd: Elephants aren't that far away - very snaky dicks!

Pi: I think Mrs Bobbit only cut off an inch or two.

Ari: I'm very glad you can laugh without approving - that's the hallmark of a civilised person.

Fatman: You and Kitty were exemplars of the "no worries" Aussie attitude. You were even willing to pimp for each other! This could be a great idea for a sitcom. Why don't you write a pilot? It's about time someone knocked Kath and Kim off their perches.
Are you telling me that you are not devoid of all temptation?
As a new reader of this fabulous blog and a resident of Florida, I feel it is my duty to inform all of you that Cock Arson is perfectly legal here in Florida.

It's in our state constitution right in-between "Stealing Elections" and "Inter-Species Domestic Unions."

I also believe it to be the name of a sheriff in my town.
I woder if it smelt like BBq sausage...I wonder if it still does.....just a thought
Rosanna: I'm tempted to do a lot of things. Which temptations did you have in mind?

Stevie: Welcome Stevie, send my regards to Olivia. I'm surprised it's legal in Florida, because Florida is the nearest thing America has to a cock. I'm glad you're enjoying the blog.

Beast: Right now, I'd guess it smells like Peter Stringfellow.
I like knobs...what can i Say!
"Florida is the nearest thing America has to a cock"

That's our state motto.

It went over well with the rednecks for some strange reason.

(off to read new post...)
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin