Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Cyber flashing
A British woman has explained how she became a victim of an insidious new practice called “cyber-flashing”. It is painful to listen to her describe her dread and disgust when unrequested pictures of the male sexual organ were sent to her i-phone. How the villain who committed the outrage obtained her number was not explained. Maybe there is a secret i-phone directory used by such wretches to identify suitable targets for their wicked deeds.
It remains to be seen how much social agitation this new vice causes. If it replaces old-style flashing it might be a blessing in disguise. I’m sure even the woman who got cyber-flashed would agree that a picture of a penis is less menacing than a real one attached to a grinning, pot-bellied pervert. If men who habitually expose themselves send pictures of their todgers instead, they would be regressing to a milder pathology. Notice the analogy with heroin addicts who start taking methadone to escape the more deadly compulsion.
This woman’s story has made me aware that I, myself, was a victim of this abomination. I didn’t realise it at the time, because it happened several years ago, before cyber-flashing was an officially recognised offence. The pictures were not sent to my i-phone because I’ve never owned such a device. I do, however, have a public e-mail address, which is intended for fan mail or serious enquiries about the habits of the lowland gorilla.
Rather than pictures of the penis, I was sent images of the human anus in various states of dilation. I regret to say that a rectal probe was involved in some of them. The email address these horrors were dispatched from was obviously a makeshift one, but that didn’t stop me responding with sharply-worded replies which assailed the scoundrel with epithets such as “poltroon”, “guttersnipe” and “dung-sniffer”. As I should have realised, this only encouraged him to send me further repulsive pictures. Then I noticed the facility to designate email correspondence as spam, and further garbage was consigned to the trash bin.
Now the British woman who got cyber-flashed reported the incident to the police, who immediately launched an investigation to apprehend the culprit. I had no one to report it to but my females, who asked to see the pictures. When I showed them one of the grosser ones, they cackled like geese and asked to see more. Annoyed by their lack of gravity, I gave them a stern lecture about the horrors of indecent exposure in human society, which they listened to with puzzled faces. When I had finished my homily, they put the following question to me:
“If men like showing off their cocks, why did you stop us pulling down the pants of that wildlife photographer?”
(You will excuse me for quoting their vulgar language, which is essential to the anecdote.)
“Because not even the most reckless and depraved man would want to expose his cock to the likes of you,” I replied.
They stalked off grumpily, muttering something about “discrimination”.
Labels: anus, cyber flashing, female gorillas, i-phone, todger
