Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Student project

I’ve been looking at a Powerpoint presentation prepared by Miss Lizzy Fenton, a student at the University of Minnesota. This was not a piece of coursework for her degree. The title of the presentation is “Why You Should Date Me”, and she emailed it to a chap she had a crush on.

The data in the presentation imply that Miss Fenton would be the most desirable girlfriend since Anna Nicole Smith wrapped her luscious thighs around the withering loins of J Howard Marshall. One of the slides has the heading “My Boobs Exhibit Steady Growth Over Time”, followed by a graph showing Lizzy’s cup size has increased from A to DD over the last four years. If the trend continues, her jahoobies will resemble a pair of 240mm artillery shells by 2025.

Another slide has the heading “Monogamy Not Your Style: No Problem”. Rather than saying she would be happy with polygamy, Lizzy argues that she is capable of being three different women. This would be achieved by alternate hairstyles, different pairs of spectacles and variations in her facial expression. She also claims she can change her personality from “mysterious and seductive” to “geeky and kinky”.

The last slide has the heading “Still Not Convinced: Listen to the Critics”. These “critics” include Lizzie’s Mom, who may not be an impartial judge. However, the ex-girlfriend of the fellow she has a crush on is quoted as saying “She’s definitely an upgrade. Nice work, old sport.” There are also endorsements from Channing Tatum and the New York Times.

It would be all too easy to dismiss Miss Fenton as a ridiculously forward floozy who has turned the delicate rites of human courtship into a joke. I prefer to see her as a resolutely modern woman who believes in asking directly for what she wants. This is a more honest strategy than playing hard-to-get in the hope that some chowderhead will chase after you. The “presentation” may be utter balderdash, but it’s the kind of nonsense that brings a smile to the face.

You must be wondering what response Lizzy got from the man she was trying to impress. You need wonder no longer, because she published the email he sent her. It was a very short one:

“This is very nice. Please stop contacting me.”

I’d say this was a very poor reply to a piece of work that must have taken hours to put together. A gentleman of the old school would have praised the quality of the slides, while politely explaining why he did not find the arguments sufficiently compelling to take the matter further. The man’s name is Carter Blochwitz, which could explain why he reacted in such a curt and timid fashion. Anyone given the name “Carter” is likely to be nervous about being approached in a humorous way. Who could forget the famous limerick that starts:

The first mate’s name was Carter

He must have heard that one a thousand times when he was at school. 

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this broad has no class. period.
Shit. I have never thought to have taken that approach. I wonder if I could hire her as my PR.
Why didn't women throw themselves at my feet like so many rose petals when I was young and single? I never got a second glance, much less a PowerPoint-enhanced argument as to why I should date someone. Lord, there is no equity in this world, is there?
No class act.
She gave it her best try, definitely. She would have regretted it later on if she hadn't tried.
She's lucky; she had a remarkably long growth spurt.
Envious, I will admit.
once those robots you previously mentioned start getting mass produced and the price comes down, there'll be a lot of ads like this.
Did she really think that he was going to take her seriously.
She's creative, persistent, and growing by the minute. Yet his polite, to the point response is even more impressive. Do you have his contact info, GB?
This seems like a joke. Carter sounds like he is setting up boundaries, giant walls. I would, too!
Anne Marie: Class is out of fashion, Anne Marie. Now it's all about pursuing your goals.

Mistress Maddie: You could offer her an internship, Mistress. I bet you could teach her a lot. :)

Exile: When you were young and single, women lived by 'The Rules'. Do you remember 'The Rules'? The idea was to make men chase and beg.

Harry Hamid: Maybe she overdid the hype, but she doesn't seem like the regretting type to me.

Pop Tart: Don't be envious of DD, Ms Pop Tart. That's too much of a good thing! :)

Mr Rosewater: Maybe not if there are male robots, too. Women might settle for a piece of the action.

Mary: I think she was trying to joke him into a date, Mary.

Robyn: He might be on Twitter, Robyn, but I don't think he likes being approached by strange women. Not that you're particularly strange. :)

Shoshanah: It was definitely a joke, but Carter didn't find it funny. I think his walls are ten feet higher than they need to be.
If someone went through all that just to date me I would have to give her a chance. Unless I knew her already and found her bizarre and disgusting. Then I would get a restraining order.
I can understand and appreciate the humor of this situation. But, truth-be-told, in this case I actually feel mostly sad for this tough girl. I do not know if it is because I have daughters, or if it is my mindset due to the reduction in pipes, but she really saddens me with her actions.
Jono: Those are very clear alternatives, but isn't it sometimes better to find a middle way?

Pipe Tobacco: How sensitive and compassionate you are, Professor. As you say, she is a tough girl. Let's hope she just laughed it off.
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