Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Non-lethal weapon

Call me an innocent ape, but I had no idea that women who subscribe to on-line dating sites receive a never-ending barrage of penis pictures. Apparently, there are men who believe that photos of their sexual organs serve as an adequate substitute for a formal introduction. If any women have found these dick pics helpful or intriguing, they are keeping very quiet about it. The ones who have spoken out publicly are divided broadly into two camps – those who are sick to their stomachs and those who are angrier than hornets.

In truth, it’s difficult to guess what men who send these pictures are hoping to achieve. You can’t measure the size of a todger from a picture, and what would it prove if you could? If having a huge appendage meant you were good in bed, women would be sleeping with horses and elephants. As one who has watched elephants mate from time to time, I can testify that it’s a clumsy, slapstick affair. The females look as if they can’t wait for the whole thing to be over.

Some women have found these penile portraits so aggravating that they have dreamt up ingenious methods of revenge. I was intrigued to read a news item about a 26-year-old woman in England who subscribes to a service called ‘Snapchat’. Fed up of being electronically flashed by men seeking to make her acquaintance, she offered one of the offenders a rendezvous:

“I pretended I was going to let him come to my house and I thought to myself, ‘where should I send this man?’” explained Miss Tara Natasha.

In a flash of inspiration, she gave him the postcode of Buckingham Palace, which he duly entered into his satellite navigation device.

“It was so funny I couldn’t cope,” said Tara. ‘When he was approaching Buckingham Palace, he still didn’t click. I then sent him a photo of the Queen smiling.”

The man did not take the joke in good part. In fact, his behaviour reminded me of a male baboon whose face was urinated on by a female in season. Fortunately, he was unable to carry out his dire threats.

Clever prank though this was, I can’t say I approve of sending the fellow to Buckingham Palace. What if he had flashed at the Queen? A woman in her 90s doesn’t need that kind of surprise when she’s watering the plants. It would have been better to send him the postcode of a Turkish kebab house instead. Any fool who acts fresh in such a place is likely to end up with a skewer in his groin.

There may, however, be better methods of redress than sending such scoundrels on a wild goose chase. Why not just publish the indecent pictures on-line, in a rogues’ gallery of wicked willies? A panel of judges could then append their own comments, dripping with sarcasm and contempt. We gorillas believe that humiliation is often the most effective punishment. A good dose of shame will make the miscreant run away and look for a rock to crawl under.

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guys who send dick pix are just that - DICKS! that's all they know. I like intelligent men who send me face pix.

now mind, I am going on 25 years of marriage. but when I was dating...
I have long said the dick pic is like the new calling card.
How utterly ludicrous for a fellow to send a photograph of his penis to a dating site! Of what value would ther be in such an image? Would a person select a carpenter based on a photograph of his screwdriver? There is no way in hell any sane person would chose a carpenter using that criteria.

Like a screwdriver, a penis is merely a tool for a task. It is up to the user of the respective tool as to how valuable the user's work may be perceived.

My beloved wife selects me for the task of marital conjugations because of my overall usefulness as her husband and partner. While my girthsomeness may be pleasantly helpful as she suggests, I would suspect she would still select me even if I only had a miniature screwdriver in my toolbox, as long as I accomplished my work successfully.

Now, as a grey haired, furry-faced old codger who probably befuddles my mind too often with pipe tobacco, it is possible my wife's platitudes on my prowess may be only to placate my fragile soul and ego... but I will ignore that potential in favor of a more Don Quixote-esque
... (aka "Man of LaMancha) sort of alternative reality... a very pleasant sort of reality when you consider the alternatives. :)
I'm not quite sure why this happens. It seems like a lot of guys are not conscious of how their actions are going to be seen by women.
It's so disgusting. And they complain when women portray themselves as skinnier in their pictures! Yuck.
You're right, GB. The Queen doesn't need to see a dick pic. She has Sir Loin, her horse. And you know what the say about horses. No wonder she's still smiling well into her 90s.
"'Tis a poor workman who blames his tools." Most men are clueless when it comes to women's needs and desires. It is a wonder our species has survived this long. We could learn from our hairier predecessors.
Robyn, perhaps she could also choose between other royalty like the Count of Basie, Duke of Ellington, or the Earl of Cloves, for example.
I used to get the occasional dick pic in my messenger for either yahoo or fb. But I got rid of all the guys that did it so I don't get them much anymore. I have a picture to send as a response now though. It's of a woman slicing down the middle of a raw sausage with a large knife. lol
Anne Marie: Haha, I just knew you'd received some pictures! Have you ever laughed at a dick?

Mistress Maddie: Would you say you could match any dick to a face, Mistress?

Pipe Tobacco: Your wife is the finest of ladies, Professor. Please send her my regards.

Harry Hamid: It's probably a complex from boyhood. They expect girls to admire their toys.

Shoshanah: Don't tell me you've received them too!

Robyn: I can't believe the Queen has knighted her own horse, Robyn! That would be like Caligula making his horse a Consul!

Jono: Maybe they can't be bothered to read all the women's magazines. You won't acquire a new skill without doing your homework.

Mary: You too, Mary! Is there a woman on the internet who hasn't been sent a dick pic?
She should have sent him the postcode of an evil, dick tying, Dominatrix who could have catheterised him to his chastity belt. However, I applaud her cunning.
It could have been worse... she could have sent him to Nigel Farage's house
I suspect Her Majesty would not be amused.
Or maybe so.
Oh, those kooky Windsors!
I have a girl friend (as opposed to a girlfriend) who says she and her friends encourage men to send them dick pics. They get together at a bar and compare pics and laugh at the men. Who can blame them?
Haha. Jono and GB, yeah, the Queen and her horse. No one could compete. She's always riding that thing, and smiling.
Jules: That's not a bad idea, Jules, but who would have paid the dominatrix? They don't work for free, y'know! :)

Jimmy: He would have thought she was hiding in Nigel's cellar.

Al: All I can say is that you wouldn't be able to tell from the expression on her face.

Exile: I wonder what percentage of women have ever laughed at a man's dick. It's probably higher than one would think.

Robyn: I'm pretty sure she has more than one, Robyn. :)
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