Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Return of the jubblies

One year ago, the executives of Playboy magazine announced to the world that they would no longer be publishing pictures of naked women. The new era of on-line porn had made nudity passé, they told us. Now they have admitted it was all a terrible mistake. Here are the words of Playboy’s 25-year-old Chief Creative Officer, Cooper bin Hefner (aka son of Hef):

“Nudity was never a problem because nudity isn’t a problem. Today we’re taking our identity back and reclaiming who we were.”

Reading between the lines, I think we can infer that the absence of nudie pics provoked howls of anguish and despair from the magazine’s loyal readers. What the Playboy bigwigs didn’t appreciate was the big difference between jahoobies on a computer screen and jahoobies on smooth, glossy paper. The latter can be rubbed against the face and licked, heightening the sensual pleasure. Only crazy people lick computer screens. I once saw a baboon lick one and the static electricity gave its tongue a shock.

It is said that there is nothing new under the sun and nothing surprising under the moon. Do you remember when Coca Cola brought back Classic Coke after New Coke bombed? The whole episode ended up boosting their sales, which led some to suspect it was all a clever marketing ploy. The CEO of Coca Cola had to issue a formal denial:

“We’re not that clever and we’re not that stupid,” he said.

It remains to be seen whether Playboy will experience a similar revival in its fortunes. A new era of naked flesh might attract new readers, but what about the old readers who have migrated to Penthouse or Hustler? Winning them back might be next to impossible. Their only hope is to innovate. A lot of men must be bored of staring at dumb blondes in passive positions. How about a nude kickboxing lady or a nude schoolmistress giving lessons on a blackboard? If you think about it, there are very few activities done by fully-clothed women that cannot also be done by naked women. The possibilities are endless.

None of this would persuade me to take out a subscription, of course. A gorilla has no interest in human flesh. The only reason for me to pick up a copy of Playboy would be to swat flies. That might change, however, if the magazine acquired a reputation for high-quality journalism. As a student of humanity, I would read any periodical that kept me informed of the latest fads and perversions.

“Who could they hire?” I hear you ask. Top of my list would be a feminist writer like Gloria Steinem. Obviously, she’s a huge enemy of Hef and everything he stands for, but enemies can often collaborate for the greater good. Remember the US-Soviet alliance during World War 2? To read her trenchant prose amid all the boobies and booties would be the purest delight. Now where can I find the email address of the Hefner boy? 

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spouse USED to have a subscription. but then the journalistic hard-hitting articles stopped, the boobs stopped, it became a fashion/booze/cars/gaming mag for dudes with money. spouse will not be renewing his subscription.

I used to read playboy for the articles; I'm not down wit da ladies.
Haven't seen one for ages.
Coffee is on
Hell, yeah, nudity. How else am I supposed to distort my idea of what a woman's body should look like?

Did Gloria Steinem actually say that? Worst analogy EVER. What a dummy.
Ultimately, the Great Non-Nudity Experiment came to an end because sales went down.

Look at SI: the best selling issue is the swimsuit issue.

I think it’s a clever marketing ploy. And readers who have migrated to other mags will be sure to come back incase they’re missing out. There’s no such thing as too many boobs.
They really do have good articles. I feel like I don't care at all either way if they have nude photos. I had a friend in college with a subscription to Playgirl, and we would look at these pictures of men with massive dongs and wonder how they would fit into any part of our anatomy. There was nothing sexual at all about how we looked at the pictures. We joked a lot. I understand men look at naked pictures of women differently- and why not? I imagine men don't get together in groups to make fun of them. That's cool. I'm not with Gloria Steinem on this one. I feel like you could pose for Playboy and still be a feminist.
Anne Marie: Well the boobs are back, but why did they stop publishing good articles? Where I can find the back issues?

Peppylady: Coffee is indeed more stimulating than Playboy for many!

Exile: I think Gloria has a particular animus against Playboy. Wasn't she a Bunny Girl in her youth. She did say "a little like", so she must have realised it was hyperbole.

Pop Tart>: I wish I could look at SI, Ms Pop Tart. Knowing what it is would help!

Jules: Some would say that three boobs is too many, Jules. :) But I suppose any even number has its merits. Returning readers are going to want boobs on toast!

Shoshanah: I'm sure laughing at willies is a favourite pastime of college girls! But I don't think adolescent girls should look at big dongs - they might find them scary or upsetting. Posing for Playboy is OK, but no feminist should live in the mansion!
They're not stupid. They see a way to start making more money are are going to take it.
i have closet full of old national geographics that do the trick.
I thought all men read Playboy for the articles. Hm, seems that's not the case. I laughed at the quote "We're not that clever and not that stupid." It's a great one, GB. I must steal it. As for Playboy, they're not that clever and twice as stupid - I suspect. What's the point of having a nudie mag with no nudity?
Boobs are wonderful things, but I'm pretty sure this move by playboy is strictly a money thing. Maybe if they put in a little scratch and sniff feature they could really make a profit.
I knew it wouldn't be long become the tits were hauled back out. That would be like Playgay with the cock!!!!! And who wants a hotdog bun without the meat?
And I have no idea why Anne Marie's spouse would need to see pictures of boobies, especially with all the jahboobies she has! Talk about paper weights!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am surprised Playboy is still in business. A lot of newsstand magazines have gone under. Maybe they should just give magazines out for free these days and let the ads inside pay the bills.
I think social media has a lot of impact on magazines these days esp Playboy. Look for instance on Instagram where you can literally see thousands of naked and almost named women on there for free.

I actually have a few Playboy Collector issues.
Mary: Assuming it works, Mary. Its condition may be terminal.

Billy: Are they available on-line?

Robyn: They must have thought they were something better than a nudie magazine, Robyn. Now they know better!

Jono: A nudie pic you can scratch and sniff would be an invention to compare with the light bulb!

Mistress Maddie: Even a vegetarian would want something between the buns, Mistress. Maybe a gherkin? I bet Anne Marie's jahoobies could inspire a new religious cult!

Jimmy: Playboy is like an expensive harlot, Jimmy. Giving it away free would turn it into a slut.

Cocaine Princess: I never knew Instagram allowed that, Miss Princess! What is the world coming to?
spouse has plenty of back issues of playboy. ya want some?
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