Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Pamela's African plans

The manager of the safari camp is thrilled about the news that Pamela Anderson might make her home in Africa. This is what she told Hello! magazine:

“I’ve never been to Africa and I want to help elephants and rhinos so I could see myself living there.”

She didn’t elaborate on how her presence in Africa would help the elephants and rhinos, but such details can be worked out later. There is always work for the eager volunteer. If she spent enough time prancing about in the bush, I’m sure she would eventually distract a few poachers on the hunt for big game. The sight of Pamela in her swimsuit might cause them to fire prematurely, warning the elephants and rhinos to make good their escape. By such unorthodox methods will the wildlife of Africa be preserved.

On the other hand, maybe Pamela thinks she has more to contribute in the field of public relations. Everyone knows that the rhino is hunted for its horn, which is used as a quack remedy for impotence. A poster of Pamela stroking the horn of a live rhino with the caption “It feels so much better when it’s attached” would help to get the conservation message out. The only problem would be finding a live rhino willing to let her touch its horn. Given the belligerent disposition of these beasts, tranquiliser darts may be necessary. Pamela could take hers orally.

But if she does come to Africa, my hunch is that she would soon get bored of hanging out with the elephants and rhinos. Four-legged animals have many admirable abilities, but none of them are transferable to humans. If Pamela wants to acquire new skills, she should spend some quality time with her ape cousins. As well as teaching her how to climb trees, we could show her a few dance moves that haven’t yet made it to the discos and nightclubs of LA. Pamela has invested so much in her boobs that she may have forgotten what her butt cheeks are for.

She should also hobnob with her fellow humans, of course. She’ll be pleased to discover that big-breasted women have a higher status in Africa than in most other regions of the world. In the Mother Continent, big titties are seen as a source of nourishment rather than fun-bags for men to rub their faces in. Pamela would certainly have no problem in adopting orphans, although I’d advise her not to foster baby chimps. They have a reputation for being aggressive feeders and might rupture her implants.

The one thing Pamela will have to be wary of is the hot African sun, which could give her skin the texture of a warthog’s rump if she doesn’t protect it. I'd hate to see her turn into a nasty old crone. No doubt she will bring her own lotions, but I would advise her to use a natural jungle ointment that we gorillas can supply on demand. The best way of staying healthy in Africa is to go native.

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"If she spent enough time prancing about in the bush" - with her bush uncovered, no doubt! and her fun bags are plastic stuffed.
Africa might become the place where old Playmates go to retire. I was flipping channels on New Year's Eve, and Jenny McCarthy looked like she might be ready to move there, too.

Think of all the species that will be saved.
How is her being there going to help elephants and rhinos? Is she willing to throw herself into the path of a bullet? What a narcissist.

And speaking of narcissists...I'd always thought breasts were my own personal playthings. Then I found out they were a food source. Imagine my disappointment.
gosh, what is the natural jungle ointment gorillas can supply on demand?
If she is for real, she is to be commended. I have long thought I too should be doing something with animals, as they have long been my first love. And Africa is on my bucket list of travel. To a giraffe manor of all places.
And if Anne Marie comes to Africa, with her, as you call them jahoobies, she'd be royalty!!!!!!!!!!
Gorilla you may have to fight a duel with Borat if you want Pamela to be yours.
Ha! Such wonderful writing, Mr. Gorilla Bananas!
Apologies for my tardiness, I've been busy helping the Chinese get the horn via other methods rather than rhino's and to pave the way for Pammy to do her thing. It should be interesting.
Anne Marie: Hasn't she shaved it off? I'd still advise her to wear a loin cloth to stop the insects from pollinating her coochie.

Nasreen: They'll be welcome as long as they don't bring a Tarzan with them. We don't want any of that 'Lord of the Apes' mentality.

Exile: Some organs have to be shared, I suppose. How about one boob for baby and the other for you?

Mr Rosewater: It's an old jungle cream that dates back to the Homo Erectus era.

Mistress Maddie: You'd be welcomed with open arms, Mistress! If Ann Marie is royalty, you'd be the Queen!

Jimmy: Hah, Jimmy, don't you think he's over her by now? She's not the ageing spring chicken she was in the movie.

Jules: It's always lovely to hear from you, Jules. I bet you'd have an adventure or two if you visited China!

I think that she and the rhinos would be happy to "have" each other, GB.
I think her best chance to help would be distracting the poachers. If they wanted to see her close up she could turn suddenly and render them unconscious.
I always think it's commendable when I hear of a celebrity trying to help save wild animals from being poached and killed close to extinction.
Pamela has been a long supporter of animal rights & PETA.

She needs to star in a Safari Baywatch rescuing drowning Rhinos and the like.

Robyn: I hope so, Robyn - but perhaps not equally happy. :)

Jono: I never realised she was that deadly! Maybe she should have had a career in the boxing ring.

Mary: It's commendable, Mary, but I'd like to hear her game plan!

Cocaine Princess: And her support is much appreciated, Miss Princess!

Dr Ken: I would advise her to rehearse with blow-up rhinos in Malibu Beach before attempting anything in Africa. Then learn how to evade the crocodiles.
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