Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Getting her rocks off

Jennifer Lawrence has apologised to the people of Hawaii for posting a disrespectful story about their holy rocks. According to Jennifer, she felt a tremendous itch in her butt while filming near the rocks and couldn’t resist rubbing her rump against them. This loosened one of the stones, causing a minor avalanche that narrowly missed a member of the film crew. It was a serious incident, but Jennifer made light of it on Facebook:

“One rock that I was butt scratching on ended up coming loose, and it was a giant boulder and it rolled down this giant mountain and almost killed our sound guy. All the Hawaiians were like, 'Oh my God, it's the curse!' And I was sitting in the corner like, 'Haha! I'm your curse! I wedged it loose with my ass!’”

The Hawaiians are upset and they have my sympathy. I would not have hesitated to do as Jennifer did if my hairy behind was itching. This I cannot deny. The difference is that I would have performed a solemn ritual of penitence afterwards, thanking the rock for allowing me to assault it with my hindquarters. As a native of the Mother Continent, I know better than to mock sacred relics of the landscape, which generations of witch doctors and juju men have concocted spells to appease. Jennifer would be wise to make an offering to the spirits she has offended by her sacrilegious act.

There are a couple of issues arising from this incident that merit further discussion. To begin with, why was Jennifer’s butt so itchy? As a human female, her buttocks would be smooth and hairless, so not infested with the lice and other parasites we hairy apes must endure. Could she have been wearing some kind of lingerie that disagreed with her skin? If so, this would be another argument in favour of women dispensing with undergarments and allowing cool air to circulate around their nether regions. There’s no need for me to rehash the other reasons stated in earlier posts. The archives are linked for a reason.

The second question we must address is this: why didn’t Jennifer scratch her behind with her fingers instead of rubbing it against a rock like a grizzly bear? Most women have sharp enough fingernails to satisfy the itchiest of itches. Was she cowed by the out-dated human taboo against women scratching their butts in public? I never saw any women doing it in my circus days, so I assume they snuck off to a secluded place when they got the urge. Certainly the dwarves, who were all men, had no such inhibitions.

Given that we’re now well into the 21st century, it’s high time that an influential human female said: “Girls, It’s okay to scratch your behind if it’s itchy.” Who should make this long overdue declaration? Not Victoria Spice, whose bottom is too small. Nor Madonna, whom no one would take seriously. But if Taylor Swift said it, the whole world would sit up and take notice. 

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if ya got an itch, scratch it! use whatever is handy!

how was jen supposed to know the rocks were sacred? was there any signage saying "keep off the rocks"?
She falls on her butt all the time, GB- who knows what she infested that holy rock with. Stupid bimbo.
I have people to take care of my inches. How do you reach your inches Gorilla?
those lazy hawaiians ought to get off their fat arses and fix those loose rocks.
You see? Faith can move mountains!
It's nice to get at one with nature sometimes, Mr. Gorilla Bananas. Maybe it was a ritual of sorts as all these women are clearly witches.
Anne Marie: There was no sign, but the rocks greeted her butt with a stony silence. Sometimes you gotta take the hint!

Robyn: I never knew that, Robyn. Maybe she doesn't wash her butt with a good enough detergent.

Mistress Maddie: We hairy apes groom each other, Mistress. It sounds like you do the same, and I hope you give as well as take. ;)

Mr Rosewater: Would they use cement or pollyfilla?

Shoshana: That would be faith in Jennifer's butt in this case.

Jules: I'm glad you mentioned witches, Jules. It's been ages since we discussed them. I was thinking how calling a woman a witch is no longer an insult. Are you getting any potions or spells for Christmas?
To save her further embarrassment, I hereby volunteer to be the official Jennifer Lawrence butt scratcher.
What's the point of evolving such great appendages if not to scratch where e'er is required.

Look at the trouble hippos have with butt scratching!
Merry Christmas GB!!

That was my first question, too. Doesn't she wipe properly? Or wash? I'd still make out with her.

You always post pics of pretty girls. I like the writing and the pics are an extra bonus.
Well hopefully they erect a sign that says something like, If ya butt be itching, thou shall refrain from using these rocks to scratch and relieve thine itch."
I'm surprised no one would help her with that. Certainly SOMEONE must have offered.
TSB: You'll probably have to do an audition with her pet wallaby first.

The Jules: You'd think hippos needed it, but I've never seen one rub its behind against a tree. Their solution is to keep it moist.

Cocaine: Thank you, Miss Princess! I send you my warmest seasonal greetings!

Exile: You think her butthole is causing the itch? That's pretty shocking and I find it hard to believe. An A-list actress should be using every kind of douche and wipe. Don't make out with her unless she does. Thanks for appreciating the words and pictures - I like to think they complement each other!

Mary: Quite right, Mary. They can't expect people to guess which rocks are holy.

Jono: They might have feared rejection. It's difficult to compete with a rock.
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