Wednesday, October 05, 2016

Coochie snooping

Avid readers of this blog will know I’m not a fan of greedy humans who sue each other because someone insulted them or pinched their butt. However, there are some lawsuits that deserve the full support of any right-thinking primate. I recently read a news report about a woman from Chicago who discovered that her vibrator was collecting data about her intimate habits and passing them to the manufacturer. It must be what technology buffs call a “smart device”. Nuts to that. I bet it’s not as smart as the nosey baboons in my neighbourhood, whose manners have been greatly improved by me giving them a good kicking.

Technology firms insist that collecting such information is part of the “Big Data” revolution that will enable them to cater for the consumer’s every whim. Call me an old-fashioned ape, but I happen to believe that what comes to pass between a lady and her vibrator is as confidential as a confession to a priest. If a woman can’t keep her relationship with her sex toy private, the world will descend into degeneracy and baboonery. For once, the victim’s lawyer was not exaggerating when she said:

”This is one of the more incredible invasions of privacy we've ever dealt with.”

In the circumstances, it is fortunate that the client’s name has been kept secret, although her initials have been identified as “N.P.” Let’s hope that Chicago women with those initials are not now subjected to bawdy remarks or impudent sniggers. I certainly wouldn’t want to be a woman called “Nelly Pinhorn” living within the city limits. It’s probably a good time for such ladies to adopt the American practice of stating the middle initial of their names.

Now Gorilla Bananas is far from being an enemy of new technology, but I’m starting to think that too much emphasis is being placed on the free flow of information. Even tourists on safari are constantly peering into their smart phones when they ought to be looking at hippos snorting and farting, or lions licking their balls. The fact that even vibrator manufacturers are jumping on the bandwagon is a sign that the whole thing is becoming a dangerous obsession.

The good news is that some noble folk in the sex toy industry are focussing on what really matters – making their products more pleasurable for the user. I was fascinated to find an article on the BBC website describing what the dildos of the future will look like. Apparently, the University of Melbourne has introduced a course in industrial design that teaches students how to create sex toys with beautiful geometric curves and contours. One can only imagine the exquisite satisfaction they will deliver to their grateful owners.

Before anyone accuses me of jumping the gun, I’m not advising anyone to buy one of these toys until they’ve been thoroughly tested. I’m sure the manufacturers will send free dildos to bloggers who agree to post honest reviews. Frankly, I can’t wait to read them! 

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SAY WHAT? what's up my vag is NO ONE's business!
It's like having a vibrator that kisses and tells.
That's why I don't use a mechanical device to masturbate. I don't trust them. Do they even make devices for men?
Fortunately, there is no electronic sensor in my wife, nor in my palm (occasional use only) so I feel reasonably safe that my proclivities are wholly private. Although, my wife does scold me if I keep the window shades open (the bedroom is on the second floor, so it shouldn't matter is my reasoning).
I'm fascinated by these toys: one looks like a vicious, purple cactus and the other a sperm. What possible type of information can be coming back to the manufacturers from a vibrator? "Oh yes, this is a good one Mike. NP orgasmed twice within 1 minute 43 seconds with the clitoris stimulator on advanced pulse. Put it in the POS material"

Send them to me and I'll Vlog it. That'll fetch.

That is one huge vibrator. I'm afraid I'd get lost in there.
Well, as of right now, I have no use for a vibrator. The men I see seem to fill the void so to speak.
It's all research to aid those brave souls who've signed up to colonize mars. Like Elton said, Mars can be cold as hell.
Sex toys are sending info back to the manufacturers? Well, that's certainly a first. Not right at all either.
Anne Marie: Well it's not public knowledge, but it's gotta be someone's business. Hmmn, Anne Marie?!

Pop Tart: Yes indeed, Ms Pop Tart. Using the word "kiss" in its broadest sense.

Exile: Men seem to prefer dolls to mechanical devices. Maybe looking into their eyes helps with the trust issue.

Pipe Tobacco: Your wife is a noble and virtuous woman - she might have been the wife of Cincinnatus had she lived in the early Roman republic. Does she allow you to keep the lights on?

Jules: How I admire your down-to-earth, plain-speaking attitude, Jules! People could rely on you not to get blown away by all the fancy gadgetry when giving a review.

Al: You think there's room in there for you AND the vibrator? That's a taller story than the Back Hole of Calcutta.

Mistress Maddie: I'm very glad to hear it, Mistress! Do gay men use vibrators? Maybe they'd need a device with additional safety features.

Mr Rosewater: They might not be in the mood on Mars. I think I'd have other things on my mind...

Mary: Do you have any idea what kind of information would be useful, Mary?
What info could they want to know? Is it possible to invade someone's privacy more than that? I'd like to read the reviews, too. I would like to make my partner smile more.
So I have to now inspect my girlie toys to see if they're being bugged, GB? I sure hope NP wins the lawsuit. It'd be a victory for vaginas and clitorises everywhere.
Do gay men like vibrators??? Do they like show tunes dear?
Jono: I hope your partner doesn't laugh uncontrollably. That can be dangerous.

Robyn: The vagina and the clitoris have my full support, Robyn. I would contribute to their campaign and put up their posters. :)

Mistress Maddie: Chatting with you is always an education for an innocent ape like me, Mistress. :)
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