Wednesday, September 07, 2016

Beastly events

Apparently there’s been a werewolf sighting in the north of England. The creature is said to be eight feet tall with dog-like features and a bad breath problem. A traumatised woman made the following statement:

“It was stood upright one moment. The next it was down on all fours running like a dog. I was terrified.”

The British press have named the werewolf ‘Old Stinker’, which is a foolishly provocative jibe to make while the beast is still running at large. Admittedly it’s unlikely that the creature reads newspapers, but why take a chance? A werewolf with a grudge is less likely to keep its fangs to itself than a werewolf without one. Calling it names will only make it more difficult to achieve a negotiated solution involving mouthwash and a manicure.

Biologists have been quick to dismiss these werewolf reports as a case of mistaken identity, fuelled by fantasy and hyperactive brains. ‘Old Stinker’, they insist, must be an oversized dog. I suppose it’s possible that Scooby Doo could have been confused with a werewolf, especially after Shaggy had jumped into his lap. But I don’t respect scientists who pooh-pooh eyewitness accounts without doing the necessary detective work. They should be conducting field trips and collecting dung samples before jumping to conclusions.

Is it true that women have sexual fantasies about werewolves? It’s what all the werewolf movies imply. I remember a film called Wolf starring Jack Nicholson, who somehow got transformed into a creature of canine appearance. It made him behave like a hungry sex fiend intent on leaving his bite marks in a woman’s fleshy parts. Yet I don’t believe that a hound-like animal is a natural bedfellow for the human female. His teeth may be sharp, but his tongue does not probe with the required finesse. And doing it doggy-style gets boring after a while.

If a werewolf wants a mate, it really ought to be a female werewolf, who could match him bite-for-bite. Strangely, you never hear stories about lady werewolves. These days, most women are desperately keen to shave off their body hair, so the idea of turning into a furry bitch would probably horrify them. Nevertheless, there are some women who have the right personality for the role, with many of them keen to advertise their talents.

It’s been a long time since I visited the website of a dominatrix, so I’m glad to have an excuse to do so now. Sadly, I never provoked any of these viragos to leave a comment on this blog. In truth, their writing skills are not of the highest order, so you probably haven’t been deprived of any exquisite quips or bon mots. Nevertheless, if I do manage to strike up a friendship with someone like Mistress Tatiana, I promise to move heaven and earth to make her agree to an interview, which I shall publish in full for your enlightenment. Who knows, I might even persuade her to give her body hair a chance to sprout. 

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those people must be either (a) drunk or (b) high; there are NO such things as werewolves!
it might be one of our missing sasquatches.

if so, tie a moose in heat to cedar tree and you'll catch it within a day.
I've never had sexual fantasies about werewolves, GB. Gorillas, perhaps, but not werewolves. Wink.
Eight feet tall with dog-like features and a bad breath problem describes my accountant to a T. I'd better check to see if he's gone missing.

You make an excellent point. No lady werewolves! What gives? Are women underrepresented in that category too? So unfair.
Yet another blog in which apes are writing about wolves for people.

Show me something original for a change. Like cute cat videos or uninformed speculation about Trump. Nobody posts that.
Doesn't everyone in Hull look like a werewolf?

As for Misstress Tatiana - I think I could destroy her when it comes to mental torture. Put the challenge to her ;)

PS: I am not a robot I am a werewolf.
Anne Marie: Careful, Anne Marie! In horror films the most sceptical one is always the first victim!

Mr Rosewater: Would the sasquatch rape the moose? I don't think that should be permitted.

Robyn: Wink back, Robyn! Gorillas don't bite, but we do nibble. :)

Exile: Might be better to hire a new accountant instead. The issue with women is their body hair. Did you know any women who were happy to let it grow?

Nasreen: Check out my archives. You'll find a huge variety of topics and very few posts about werewolves. But no kittens, I regret. :)

Jules: Haha, Jules, I hope no one from Hull visits here! I think you could beat Mistress Tatiana at any game, including her own one. :)
That was no werewolf Gorilla.....I believe what they saw was Donald Trump.
Unfortunately, it seems that Rob Zombie will never get around to producing Werewolf Women of the SS. I guess she-wolves just don't have traction in popular culture, outside of Shakira songs.
An American Werewolf in London is one of my fav movies of all time... looks like it is becoming a true story.
Since I read a lot of werewolf and vampire romance books, I can say that yes, some women do fantasize about beastly romantic encounters.
I've never once fantasized about werewolves or vamps for that matter.

It's gotta be some type of animal....
Mistress Maddie: It's a possibility we can't ignore. Someone should tell the beast he has small paws and watch how he reacts.

Chris: A she-wolf suckled Romulus and Remus, so maybe Rome would be the place for a lady werewolf renaissance. The Pope should get involved in some way too.

Jimmy: Has it become a cult movie, Jimmy? Don't tell me the ending because I haven't seen it yet.

Mary: Thanks for letting me in on the secret, Mary. I suspected there was something in it. Do women fantasize about getting bitten too?

Cocaine Princess: So you prefer real animals to imaginary ones, Miss Princess?
My wife refers to me as a Sasquatch when she lets me have the lights on when we indulge in passions, but hirsutness can sometimes be a virtue... I stay cooler when wet. :)
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