Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Beauty tip

Susan Sarandon says that sex is keeping her young-looking, but how can she be sure? It might just as well be eating avocados or rubbing her face with Nivea moisturising cream. I suspect she made this statement because she wants everyone to know that she’s still getting it in spades at the age of 69. We should all be very happy for her, although her achievement is probably far from exceptional. The world is full of gigolos and poodle-fakers, ready to give an old woman a good seeing to for some pocket money and a trip to the circus. Ms Sarandon, no doubt, has her pick of the meatiest studs in the market.

Aware that her youthful appearance might have other causes, she later elaborated on her original suggestion:

“Laugh and have sex,” she advised her attentive fans.

I hope she’s not implying that she laughs during sex, which is a dangerous practice that even baboons try to avoid. I once saw a pair of bonobos guffaw while copulating and it gave them severe muscle spasms. For humans you’ve got the added problem that if one of the mating pair laughs, the other one will wonder what the devil is so funny. Such disruptive habits should not be endorsed by a famous actress.

Laughing at jokes or idiocies is a different matter, of course. It’s clearly a healthy pastime, but I’m not convinced it makes humans look younger than their age. The laughter lines on Mick Jagger’s face suggest the opposite, although there may be other reasons for him looking like a wrinkly old prune. Heaven only knows what evil substances he ingested during his long life of self-indulgence and debauchery. The funny faces he pulls while performing can’t have done him much good either.

But on the matter of sex, we have to recognise that different rules apply to men and women. It’s not something humans like to admit in this age of gender equality and transgender lavatorial rights, but Mother Nature is a harsh mistress who doesn’t give two figs and an apricot for political correctness.

For the male of the species, unlike the female of the species, the climax of the reproductive act involves draining the body of its vital fluids, which saps the entire organism of its vigour and vitality. After the wildebeest rut in the African Savannah, the females are ready to conceive and the males are read to drop dead. Any man who had serviced as many females in so short a time would find himself in a similar condition.

Warren Beatty is one of the few men who has matched the mating exploits of a dominant wildebeest buck, which makes him an interesting case study. Is his face smooth and attractive? Is he as sprightly and youthful as Ms Sarandon? Recent pictures of Mr Beatty are not encouraging on these questions. Perhaps he now wishes he’d followed Gandhi’s example and renounced the carnal pleasures in middle age. There are no prizes for looking like a worn-out old bull.

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Warren Beatty should go for it! He probably thinks "You're So Vain" is about him.
first off, sarandon needs to put the milk jugs away. second, she needs to shut the fuck up about donald (t)rump. act your age, bitch!

beatty is no longer attractive either.

with age comes wisdom...but I guess it bypassed sarandon.
She is indeed correct dear Gorilla! Hearty laughs and lots of good sex are good for you and age you better. I should know. Not to toot my own horn but I look damn good for 118.
old lady sarandon probably looks like shit in the morning sun without the magical L'oreal products.

i find riding a bicycle and eating lots of fiber works better than cigarettes and sex for maintaining my youthful body.
I'm sorry but most 69 year-olds don't look like that and I simply can't picture what 69-year old sex looks like.

I had a girl laugh during sex. More than once. She said she couldn't help it--that it was involuntary. It's not what you want to hear, I can tell you that.
You could have used a picture of Charlie Sheen to help bolster your case as well. I would go one step further when advising males of this species on staying young and filled with vitality... avoid all human contact as much as possible!
Pop Tart: Warren's days of vanity are well and truly over. That song now applies to his plastic surgeon.

Anne Marie: I don't know what she said about Trump, but someone should wash her mouth out with soap and water. The milk jugs are an illusion because there are no drinkable fluids in those things.

Mistress Maddie: I hope you not counting your chickens, Mistress. Have you ever tried bathing in asses' milk?

Mr Rosewater: Bike riding is great for the lungs and the butt. I hope the motor scooter doesn't tempt you to exercise less.

Exile: You can't picture old people having sex? It's been simulated in a few movies if you're interested. Did she laugh after having an orgasm? I've heard it happens.

Jimmy: I thought about mentioning Charlie Sheen, Jimmy, but he looks too ill to make fun of. I think you're right about hermits being healthy, but do hermits exist in America?
Yikes, Beatty should've used sunblock throughout his adolescence. Either that, or Sarandon got photoshopped, while Warren got ugly.
Too much sex kills you? Gosh what a way to go.
There are some hermits but mostly loners
Good for her. As long as they are happy.
"Sarandon, no doubt, has her pick of the meatiest studs in the market." I am baffled as to why she hasn't called me.
Well, maybe at her age and given her proclivities, maybe a spade will actually fit up there.
If Lemon Parties are what I have to look forward to, then so be it.
I know she has sun glasses on in that picture, but she looks pretty darned hot. Keep sexing, girl!!!
Robyn: That's very good advice, Robyn. Sunblock is essential for bare-faced humans who want to avoid Beatty's fate.

JP: I would say it's more of a compulsion than an enjoyable pastime during the rutting season. The wildebeest don't look as if they're having fun.

Jimmy: How do loners avoid being mistaken for lone nuts, Jimmy?

Mary: Who can really tell if someone is happy, Mary? Sometimes you just have to settle for good sex.

Jono: Could you do more to promote yourself? She might not be aware of your stud-like qualities.

Al: A shocking calumny! Do you remember the South Park episode about Hillary and The Snuke?

Fearsome Beard: Thank you for teaching me a new word, Mr Beard. Is there a gay glossary which lists all these terms?

Dr Ken: She's certainly in remarkable condition, Dr Ken. It's amazing what good maintenance and regular servicing will do.
Well if you stay flat on your back long enough, you're not likely to get bloody wrinkles. ;)
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