Wednesday, March 09, 2016

Bieber's vertical hotline

An email correspondent informs me that Justin Bieber has claimed God spoke to him.

“Why haven’t you commented on this?” asks the e-mailer.

The short answer is that I’m a busy ape who doesn’t have time to monitor every crackpot assertion from Master Bieber’s mouth. I don’t pay attention to him unless he’s created some kind of commotion that has ruffled the eyebrows of the human masses. Furthermore, there’s nothing very clever about getting a voicemail from God – humans have been doing that for the past 3,000 years and it’s highly unlikely that Bieber was the chosen recipient for any new divine pronouncements.

Having already wasted time responding to the email, I thought I might as well investigate what kind of balderdash Bieber has been babbling to provoke such a missive. I managed to track down this news report and found its contents remarkably unedifying. At no stage does Bieber reveal what God said to him – he merely implies he got some kind of advice to put his affairs in order:

“I'm not super religious or anything but I just heard a voice and was like: You know what? I'm going to change my life around. I'm going to switch up some things and put some stuff together. I called my manager Scooter and said: We need to fix it.”

So speaketh the Bieb. I think we can safely say that the noise in his brain was not generated by any power higher than static electricity. The experience clearly spooked him sufficiently to consider turning over a new leaf, which will hopefully mean that his private parts are now kept hidden from public view. May the Lord make us truly grateful for that.

My foray into one line of inquiry led me, as often happens, down other avenues. It seems that Britney Spears has been expressing sympathy for Bieber while attempting to resurrect her own career:

“Whoever is in the spotlight, people are quick to judge,” she remarked. “You know, Justin Bieber, he's huge, and he experiences that. It's just the way the world works, unfortunately.”

I hope Bieber is not too much of a spoiled brat to thank Britney for her words of support, and he shouldn’t let her description of him as “huge” go to his head. David Cassidy used to be huge and look at him now: a burned-out poodlefaker of a man who sings sentimental ballads to rich old ladies. The biggest banana can shrink to the size of a cocktail sausage.

Britney is a pretty big banana herself, of course, and the manager of the safari camp recently referred to her as a “milf”. I’m not sure what that means, but I suspect it has something to do with the fleshiness of her thighs. Be that as it many, Bieber should ask her out on a date if he has any sense. A wayward pup like him needs a big sister type who’ll give his nose a tweak if he starts behaving like an ass.

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buncha total washed-up assholes. none of them will EVER achieve YOUR nobility!
There's a lot of wisdom going back and forth between those two.

It's so convenient these days, when wisdom is kept down to 140-character pieces.
Whatever he experienced, as long as he keeps his pee-pee hidden. Britney could keep him in line.
First off dear ape, don't listen to this non sense. He heard a voice? Hell, after all my gin and tonic in the evenings, you wouldn't believe the voices I hear!!! And secondly, dumb, dumber , I fond should never , ever breed.
@ Anne Marie- I am so glad you never hold back with thoughts! Bwahah!!!
Perhaps God said unto His Justinness 'Ich belieber dich'.
Man, I need a manager named Sctooter. How do I get one of those? Am I wrong to admit that Britney still does it for me? She'd make mincemeat of Bieber. He wouldn't make it to Round 2. Neither would I.
God spoke to Bieber. Right. Probably in tongues no doubt or at least hopefully, expletives. What a knob.

Britney seems to have developed some decent top bollocks all of a sudden. And how does she know that Biebers huge? Is she the voice of God?
Anne Marie: Why thank you, Anne Marie! The Bananas lineage is a long and proud one, but not technically noble. We gorillas cannot accept honours from humans.

Nasreen: Yes, they're like a pair of hooting owls. I wonder which one would lay the egg?

Pop Tart: Britney should take full charge of his pee-pee. She must know what to do with it by now.

Mistress Maddie: His voices couldn't possibly compare with your ones, Mistress. I'm sure you've heard things that would make Bieber's pointy head explode. Would you allow him into your house?

Mosha: That looks like a rather clever German pun to me. Do you really think God is that witty? And knows German?

Exile: You are 100% right to admit it, Sir! Britney doesn't get nearly enough lustful looks from older men. I think you'd get to round 5 at least. :)

Jules: She has indeed, Jules! Do you think it could be motherhood? She's definitely weaned a few Britlings. I think she was just trying to big-up Bieber's ego by calling him 'huge'. She doesn't want a pip-squeak for a boyfriend.
If Biebs is huge, he is the singular exception to the rule that size matters, GB.
If David Cassidy who was probably 50 times more talented than Bieber can fall.. well then all celebrities can return to mortality. Besides if Bieber remains popular for another 10 years it will be the end of Western Civilization anyway.
Of course: God gave Schadenfreude to you. Gave Schadenfreude to you. Gave Schadenfreude to everyone.
Bieber is a waste of space.
That god guy loves money and he talks to everyone with a net worth of 9 figures or greater.
Robyn: Hugeness is purely relative anyway, Robyn. Bieber will never be as huge as King Kong or Moby Dick.

Jimmy: Those are words of high praise for David Cassidy, Jimmy. Have you seen past episodes of 'The Partridge Family'? I thought Shirley Jones was more talented.

Mosha: Verily, The Lord is bountiful in the German tongue.

Mary: Harsh but fair, Mary. Would Bieber be OK if he were the size of a rat?

Mr Rosewater: Do you think he charges by the minute?
Can't that Bieber afford better tattoos by now?
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