Wednesday, February 17, 2016

The Beckshaft

It’s been a long time since I wrote anything about Mr Becks, the ex-footballer and possible ex-husband of Victoria Spice, but that doesn’t mean I’ve been ignoring him. My females are constantly asking for news about him, which I drip-feed to them like juice from an orang-utan’s armpits. In truth, he isn’t doing very much apart from the usual posing and preening, but that seems to be enough to keep his fans squealing in delight. His twitter page is suggestive of one who prefers to communicate in pictures, but I don’t hold that against him. A picture is worth a hundred hoots, as we say in the jungle.

The good news for collectors of memorabilia is that a sex toy manufacturer has produced a dildo that looks like Mr Becks. His face is imprinted on the business end of the device, but its shape does not match the contours of his body. In short, it is an effigy of Mr Becks in the shape of a phallus. Whether it bears any resemblance to his actual appendage is an open question. Amusing novelty item though it may be, I’d be surprised if many women used it to satisfy their carnal urges. Being an admirer of Mr Becks doesn’t mean you want his head inside your coochie.

Our local witch doctor is worried that enemies of Mr Becks will use the item as a voodoo doll:

“What is to stop jealous rivals sticking pins in the toy to curse him with the stings of The Evil One?” he asked.

“You ignoramus!” I exclaimed. “You cannot stick pins in a dildo. It is made of hard silicone plastic, not softwood from the Umbogo tree.”

“In that case his rivals should be told,” said the witch doctor. “He who breaks pins on a juju charm will have a limp pupuyoo for the rest of his life.”

“I will quote your cautionary words in my blog, so the enemies of Mr Becks will be forewarned,” I assured him.

As for the manager of the safari camp, he snorted in derision when I suggested giving the dildo to his wife as a Valentine’s Day gift:

“It doesn’t even vibrate!” he scoffed. “You can’t fob a woman off with an obsolete toy like that. A plastic dick is still a plastic dick, no matter whose face is on it.”

“I never realised your wife was so choosey,” I remarked. “Perhaps there are other women who will treasure it as a love token of considerable sentimental value.”

Be that as it may, I don’t expect it to sell like hot cakes. Only the most devoted groupies of Mr Becks would consider buying it, and even they might be put off by the embarrassment factor. If very few are sold, I will probably order one myself. It would soon acquire rarity value, and might eventually be worth as much as one of Liberace’s dildos. There’s an opportunity in every flop, as we say in the jungle.

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I wouldn't buy one; I don't think mr. becks is sexy and his wife is a bitch!
I'' pass on the Beck thingy. It looks gross,like it came from a state line sex shop up at Atmore TN.
I was thinking the same thing, GB - even if I found him attractive, I would not want his head in my coochie. And if I didn't find him attractive, I would most certainly not want his head in my coochie.
I've been made a dick of many times. But this feels different. I think this is meant as a compliment. When I was made a dick of, it felt like a failing.

Boy, I wish I had that guy's face. And abilities. And wealth. But not his wife.
Well. You may well guess I find Beckham extremely sexy and a very snappy dresser with good taste. While I may like Victoria, I am not above taking her out with a brick to the head and taking very good care of David. And his Beckham. Getting out of bed may pose a problem though..........
Nope. I don't get it whatsoever. My only hope is that it can score a hat trick.

My other hope is that it doesn't talk. As fit as he is, when he opens his mouth it's enough to turn you off your cornflakes.
Anne Marie: Would you fancy him if he had Colin Firth's voice? It might be possible with elocution lessons.

Pop Tart: I haven't visited one of those sex shops, Ms Pop Tart. Maybe you should write a post about them. :)

Robyn: I'm sure you wouldn't want any man's head inside your coochie, Robyn! That's not what it's designed for!

Exile: You envy his abilities? I assume you're talking about sport, because you've already got him beat as a writer and art critic. And you could teach his wife who's boss - I have unlimited confidence in you. :)

Mistress Maddie: I'm so glad you like Victoria, even though you covet her husband.:) I think Mr Becks said was was proud to be a gay pin-up, so maybe he's already bi-curious. Who knows what would happen if he saw you in drag? ;)

Jules: It could score any number of times, but how often would it get on the pitch? You're sadly right about his voice, Jules - would you give him elocution lessons if he asked nicely?
No thanks. I don't find him attractive at all.
I don't find him attractive, either. I'll take his money, though.
nope; colin firth YES, becks HELL FUCKING NO!
No I wouldn't. I don't think I could feign the patience. Its too late for him now and will live forever as a rubber dick.
Well Gorilla, you have certainly done your research to know the Becks dildo does not even vibrate. And who even knew that Liberace owned dildos? You must be the world's foremost dildo expert!
excellent piece of information mr bananas. poor old becks, spending his prime attached to grumpiest looking woman on the planet.
Of corse it doesn't vibrate, I find the more they primp, preen and post pictures of themselves the more they expect me to do for them.
His instagram page of pics is great!
Mary: Not even a little bit? Poor Mr Becks!

Jono: I suppose you could be his valet. Would you mind running his baths?

Anne Marie: C'mon, Anne Marie, they're probably not that different with the lights out! ;)

Jules: I don't think he'd mind too much if you got cross with him, Jules. ;)

Jimmy: You don't have to be an expert to sound like one, Jimmy. It's the great achievement of the internet age.

Billy: There's gotta be grumpier women than Victoria! Give me time and I'll produce a list.

Mr Beard: Do they indeed? Now you've got me wondering what your line of work is, Mr Beard.

Cocaine Princess: I'm so glad you had a look, Miss Princess!
I am a big admirer of Mr D. Beckham in his scanties and my admiration does not hinge upon his ability to provide an inch perfect pass...
I would much rather buy a loofa with his face on it. It's more versatile, which I believe represents the man from his prime.
Why in the world world Liberace have a dildo??? The dude was gay so that's just craz....ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Mrs Table: That's very reasonable of you, Mrs Table. Few men are inch perfect. :)

Chris: I've never seen a loofa. Would a man's face look good on it?

Al: Yes, that's right, he used it to scratch his throat. The inside of his throat. I'm glad the penny dropped.
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