Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Old stars, new war

So it seems they’ve made a new Star Wars film called The Force Awakens. I never knew it had fallen asleep, but I suppose that’s what happens when the galaxy is at peace and there are no hostile spaceships to zap with a ray gun. The manager of the safari camp told me not to make jokes about Star Wars lest I offend any tourists who are fans of the never-ending space saga: 

They are more common that you might think,” he explained. “We once had a guest who called himself Jedi One Kenobi”.

“A name to scare the pants off any baboon who might be thinking of defecting to the Empire,” I remarked.

In truth, I wasn’t a great fan of the original movie. Han Solo was just a clichéd tough-nut adventurer who thought dames were a pain in the ass until Princess Leia penetrated the gooey substance inside his armour-plated shell. One would have expected better versions of the masculine hero to exist in the age of the spaceman. Chewbacca was a stupid braying teddy bear and Darth Vader clearly had some kind of throat infection. The only good thing was the light sabre, and I was surprised that no one got prodded in the posterior by one of those handy weapons. Wouldn’t it have been the obvious practical joke to play among the Jedi fraternity?

Although Carrie Fisher reprises her role as the princess in the new film, the female lead is played by 23-year-old Daisy Ridley, to whom Ms Fisher offered various pearls of motherly wisdom during the shoot:

“I told her not to go through the crew like wildfire,” she revealed on British TV. "When I was first in it, I never wanted anyone to have the anecdote, 'I slept with Princess Leia.'”

A wise precaution, but why would a leading actress fool around with lowly members of the production crew? Wouldn’t it be more tempting to have an affair with the leading man? Perhaps this opportunity never presented itself to Ms Fisher because of the unattractive hairstyle she had to adopt in the first movie. Like most women, she looks far more alluring with her hair down, and you couldn’t blame Harrison Ford for being picky with all the hoochies on set, ready to drop their knickers for him at the wink of an eye.

A fine example of what a good hairdo can do for a woman is seen in the example of Diane Rodriguez, Ecuador’s leading transgendered female, who is shown below with her transgendered husband. Could you honestly say who was who without the essential clue of their hairstyles? Ms Rodrigues recently announced that her husband was pregnant with her child, which could result in the first human baby to be breastfed by its daddy. From what I can see, mummy’s breasts look more appetising even though they contain no milk. Let’s hope this paradox doesn’t cause baby to bark up the wrong nipple.

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I ain't a "star bores" person, so I won't be wasting my good money on this tripe.
"Wouldn’t it be more tempting to have an affair with the leading man?" Well, that depends...which is more hung. I have not seen any of the newer star wars movies, except the original three. The only character I really enjoyed was Jabba the Hut.
I thought that humans were hot for Carrie Fisher because of her buns, GB. (Hair buns, and her bum too, no doubt.) But that was when she was young and gorgeous.
Well, gorilla a good reason Princess Leah didn't sleep with Luke Skywalker is because they are brother and sister... so the next obvious place to go for companionship is the production crew (Chewbacca would have gotten jealous if she slept with Harrison Ford.)
So did you see it or not? I can't tell. If so, what'd you think? Who knew that the big controversy that would arise would be Carrie Fisher's appearance? She had to go on social media to tell people to knock it off.

I'm a quasi-lefty from way back but I have to admit, I'm getting a tiny bit fed up with the whole transgender thing. Enough, already, eh?
Daisy should also wearing the Slave Leia costume, in the movie or in cosplay.
Anne Marie: Maybe the Spaceballs spoof by Mel Brooks would be more to your taste. A lot of women found Rick Moranis's Dark Helmet pretty sexy!

Mistress Maddie: If a man is an A-list actor, he automatically looks well-hung to most women. Maybe gay men don't get so star-struck!

Robyn: Really? I thought they made her look like one of those old gramophone heads.

Jimmy: I forgot they were brother and sister. Does that mean Darth Vader sired both of them? There was too much nepotism in that damned movie. Was OB1 Kenobi related to anyone?

Exile: No, I haven't seen it. Nor did I know that Carrie Fisher had created any controversy. It seems a lot of things have been going on behind my back, or possibly under my nose. Why can't these transgendered women just call themselves 'shemales' like they used to? It tells us everything we need to know.

Ms Pop Tart: Ah yes, that was the sexy bikini that Jabba the Hut made Carrie Fisher wear. I'm glad they didn't forget about that costume.
I'm just upset I was lied to about Star Wars.
Spock didn't die.
He wasn't even in it.
i was just about to hop in the old hyundai and drive to the theater but if the smartest ape on the net doesn't give it 5 stars, count me out.

thanks for the honest review mr bananas.
Not sure if I'm going to see it or not.
So far behind the star war movies.
Hope everything is going good for you.
Coffee is on
I'm totally with you on the hairstyle. How do buns on the side of your head that make you look like Minnie mouse, turn you into the pin up of the Empire? I really don't get it. Is that all a girl has to do?

On a side note -Masher has lefty a vid clipping of Gerald the Gorilla. Not Gerald the plant ;)
I'm excited to see it. I'm planning to go today at noon. I've only seen the first three.
I do have to say that I think they are a beautiful couple, I find him handsome.
I'm not a Star Wars fan so I doubt I'll be watching the new movie.
If Carrie had wanted to do me I would have overlooked her (head) hair. Really, I was easy back then, but it didn't get me anywhere.
I haven't seen any of the prequels but I really loved the new Star Wars movie.

BTW- your description of your Darth Vader was too funny.
My brother is a big fan. It's the most exciting thing for them fans to wait for the movie to release.
What a unique childhood experience this offspring of the transgender couple will have. Not so much a canvas blank of gender stereotypes, but more a cubist reimagining.
Al: He may have been wearing a disguise. Have you ever wondered what Lord Vader looks like under the helmet?

Billy: You're welcome, Billy. I haven't actually seen the film, but my ape instincts are normally pretty reliable. :)

Dora: Everything is going as good as a snake in a pudding, Dora. I take my coffee black. :)

Jules: A girl has to do a lot more, Jules, but I think you already knew that. ;) Gerald is a human in a monkey costume.

Fearsome Beard: You think he's handsome despite his lack of facial hair? You're a broad-minded man, My Beard!

Mary: Well you might win a free ticket, Mary. You could barter it on e-bay.

Jono: Perhaps you would have got more action if you played hard-to-get. Works for some people.

Cocaine Princess: I've not seen the prequels either, Miss Princess. They sounded like an exercise in plugging plot-holes.

Lux: I hope he enjoys it, Miss Lux. Is he a younger brother?

Mosha: Cubism? Wouldn't that be quite disturbing for a child? It gives a few grown men the willies.
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