Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Chinese soap opera

Strange events are taking place in China. Some might say that strange events have always taken place is China, but such apocryphal claims will not be entertained in this blog. A quick perusal of the Jimmy Choo History Almanac indicates that things were pretty humdrum during the Ming dynasty, when mandarins of the Imperial Court played ping pong to relieve the boredom. As long as they kowtowed to the Emperor and kept their beards well trimmed, no one would dock their pay for having a quiet snooze in the eunuch dormitory.

The latest incident of note from the Middle Kingdom concerns a pretty young woman called Xiao Xiao, who was dumped by her boyfriend for being too fat. The heartless rogue didn’t bother to soften the blow by saying he was “having issues” or had fallen in love with his sister. He simply told her that he was embarrassed to come home with a girlfriend who looked like “a fat little goose”.

The peculiar aspect of this tale is the manner in which Miss Xiao responded to being callously rejected in this fashion. She did not, as far as we know, hang out with a gaggle of girlfriends willing to endorse her tearful recriminations. Instead, she made herself slimmer in a jiffy by paying for a liposuction procedure. The fat extracted from her body was then used to make a bar of soap, which she sent to the scoundrel who jilted her with the following message:

“Yang Xiaolei, do you still remember last Spring Festival? Since I can't accompany you to go home this year, I used my own fat to make a soap and give it to your mother for bathing. Spring Festival is the time to give a gift to those low-class men who judge women by appearance.”

When I told the manager of safari camp about this story, he sucked his teeth and nodded.

“That’s the Chinese for you,” he said. “They always have their own way of doing things. A western woman would have had herself photographed with a handsome hunk and sent the picture to her ex with the message ‘In your face, buddy!’ Only a Chinese woman would think of using her dripping to make a bar of soap. You could spend a lifetime trying to fathom what goes on in their minds.”

“You don’t say?” I remarked. “To be honest, I find Hollywood actors more inscrutable than the Chinese. Especially George Clooney. Why is his face always so grumpy?”

As a gorilla, I find that humans tend to exaggerate their cultural differences. If you examine Miss Xiao’s statement, she said the soap was a gift for her ex-boyfriend’s mother. Why did she bring his mother into the discussion? It looks suspiciously like the kind of “Yo Mama” insult that was invented in the ghettos of America.

In truth, there are very few human tribes whose culture has not been contaminated by foreigners. Humans have been cross-fertilising each other since they learned how to jump on two feet.

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Well good for her I say. When I caught an ex once cheating, I waited a month before I told him I knew. In the month I doused a couple drops of Visline into his coffee. To this day he never knew what gave him the chronic shits and the two accidents he had. I wanted my vengeance before we split.
I don't care how mad clooney looks, it's what he does between the sheets that counts! YEE HAW!
I like how she used her own fat to make soap. That's good for the environment, right? But then she throws in the part about maybe his stanky-ass momma can use it to wash her nasty-ass behind. That's when she got a little crazy. And I love it.
Whilst little miss Chinese is slightly off the "that's regular" chart, I can't help but admire her little comeback. However, I agree that the mother is not at fault for her sons behaviour and should not have to be involved in this little revenge attack. Much better, had she hand delivered her fatty soap to his new girlfriend whilst dressed in a dominatrix outfit. That would have fetched.
I clicked on the link and it looks like she's had a complete makeover. Not only weight reduction but her hair, wardrobe and make-up got a freshen-up. A pity she had to be shamed into doing that.
George Clooney always looks grumpy because he has painful back problems. Xiao Xiao certainly showed that guy. Every man dreams of having a woman who can produce free bars of soap with her excess blubber.. it was ironic he called her a "goose" in light of the ancient Chinese proverb about killing the goose that laid the golden egg.
i'm pretty sure that old george gets a few thousand pictures taken and then his publicists pick out the image that dovetails with his latest project.

Mistress Maddie: You waited a month, Mistress? Does that mean he retained his bedtime privileges until you split up? Of course he may not have felt like it after you gave him the shits. :)

Anne Marie: Do you have any inside information, Anne Marie? He might now be like a worn out old bull.

Dr Ken: It's only good for the environment if someone uses it instead of real soap, Dr Ken. I don't think his momma will put ecology before the insult to her dignity.

Jules: That's the next thing she should try, Jules. I'd hate to see the soap go to waste and using it herself would be like cannibalism. I've never met a Chinese dominatrix, have you?

Exile: I'm not convinced she was ever that fat or ugly. Did you find a "before" picture?

Jimmy: Is that a Chinese proverb, Jimmy? If so, it's another fine example of cultural cross-fertilisation. Wouldn't you prefer a girlfriend who could lay golden eggs to one who could produce soap?

Billy: In that case his latest project must be kicking someone's ass. Or maybe he's training for a glaring contest.
Well that kinda strange.
I wish I had the chance to contaminate more foreigners and have them contaminate me. I could learn so much from someone who would make soap from their own fat.
I just typed in Chinese Dominatrix into google. There's loads. Check it out. I feel a story coming on....
I agree, GB. His mother shouldn't have been part of her revenge. His sister earned the soap. She was the real threat.

George Clooney never did anything for me. Now if he tried to, I wouldn't fight him off. (Beggars can't be choosers.)
Gorilla: "Perhaps your momma, with her stanky-ass, could use this bar of homemade soap made from my lipo-suctioned fat." Yeah, still kind of insulting. But a nice gesture too.
I think George Clooney looks grumpy because he was the suckiest Batman, nipples on the batsuit notwithstanding.
Mary: Would you review the soap if you got a free sample, Mary?

Jono: You could learn and scrub behind your ears at the same time.

Jules: You're right! Miss Chi in Leeds looks rather formidable!

Robyn: I think you should fight him off, Robyn. Make him do the begging!

Dr Ken: I'd love to hear what that line sounds like in Chinese, assuming it's translatable.

Al: Clooney played Batman? How did that one fly past my tree? The nipples sound like a good idea - he could have used them to suckle Robin.
It's hard to calm down after this productive idea with bar of soap.))) George Clooney isn't grumpy, he is sarcastic. It fits him a lot.
Yeah, sadly, he was in Batman and Robin. It also had Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl and Ahnold as Mr. Freeze.
It's best we never speak of it again.
Sophie: You find soap that excitable, Sophie? How do you feel about shampoo?

Al: Whatever happened to Alicia Silverstone? Did that movie sink her career?
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