Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Asiatic delicacy

Have you heard of a country called Kyrgyzstan? When I asked the manager of the safari camp, he said it was the fairy-tale kingdom where Aladdin and Ali Baba fought a duel for the hand of Princess Pashmima Sugerbuns. Apparently it was air-to-air combat on flying carpets, but he can’t remember who won. After borrowing his Bazooka Joe Pocket Atlas, however, I discovered it was a real country caught in a sandwich between China and Uzbekistan.

The cause of my Kyrgizzy curiosity is a news story about a British man who got deported from the country for likening its national dish to a horse’s penis. The word “penis” is rarely spoken by British men, so he probably used some other colloquial term. Whatever the nomenclature, the Kyrgyzians were scandalised and outraged by his remark. A strike was called at his place of work and the country’s leading chef denounced the impertinent Englishman as an upstart and a calumniator. After toying with the idea of prosecuting him for “insulting national dignity”, the government decided to expel him. It is rumoured that British diplomats in Kyrgyzstan have started wearing kaftans to make their nationality less conspicuous. Some are expected to grow wispy beards.

Now, the picture above shows the Kyrgyzstani national dish, which appears to be some kind of sausage. Whether it resembles a horse’s appendage I cannot say, but it seems to have roughly the same dimensions as that of a zebra. Were the Kyrgyzians justified in feeling so slighted? If you ask me, it depends on what a horse’s dick actually tastes like (after being cooked and seasoned in the appropriate manner). If it’s as unappetising as it sounds, they would be entitled to take umbrage at anyone comparing it to their native hot dog. But for all we know, it may be a gourmet dish that tastes better than the finest Bratwurst. They should have done some basic research before getting in a tizzy about the first offhand description of their national cuisine.

Maybe Zac Efron could teach the Kyrgyzians how to take a joke. The 28-year-old actor has been telling everyone that his mother gave him a packet of penis-shaped pasta for Christmas:

“You know your mom's on point when she puts this in your stocking!” exclaimed Zac, greatly amused.

Personally I’m not convinced it’s as funny as Zac makes out, and it makes you wonder about the kind of relationship he has with his mother. Did she laugh at little Zac’s todger when he was a boy? He must have forgiven her if she did, and maybe it helped him shrug off the giggles of his girlfriends in later life.

The only remaining question is whether Zac will eat the pasta. It’s quite difficult to get the cooking time right if the size and shape are unusual. He should also carefully consider what kind of sauce would be suitable. I would favour a tomato-based sauce rather than a creamy one on this occasion. And mince would be preferable to meatballs.

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bwhahahahahahaha! noble ape, you have a way with words that is just delightful!
"quite difficult to get the cooking time right if the size and shape are unusual." Not to mention if their cut or uncut.
That is so funny! So the national food there looks like a horse's wee-wee? What would the FDA say about it?
Oh dear, did he insult the dignity of the country? It does kinda look like a weird, misshapen, mangled penis of sorts I guess. I don't know if it looks like a zebra or horse because I haven't looked at either animals genitals but I can see how someone might not want to eat
How do you know about Bazooka Joe?!?! I thought he was purely domestic. Do you mean to say he's an international star?

Let me tell you something, brother. I'd walk a hard mile for a good bratwurst sandwich. So watch it.

Where did that photo of Zac come from? It's kind of funny.
Of all the fun and creative ways I've found to urinate, that position seems a bit complicated.
Anne Marie: Why thank you, Anne Marie! I'm always happy to ape around for you. ;)

Mistress Maddie: I can see you're an expert on pasta, Mistress. ;)

Pop Tart: FDA? Wasn't he one of your presidents? I don't think presidents talked about the wee-wee in his day. That had to wait until the Clinton administration.

Mary: You've commented on everything but it's size, Mary. Is that not important? :)

Exile: Bazooka Joe is definitely international. It was the kind of bubble gum you could feel your brain chewing. Did you get any of the merchandise?

Fearsome Beard: I'm surprised to hear you've made the effort, Mr Beard. You're clearly a man who likes to experiment. :)
Having horses I can say that there is a definite resemblance between the sausages and the penile appendage of a horse. I cannot, however, vouch for taste as I have never, nor do I intend to, taste such an appendage either raw or cooked. That said, it might be pretty tasty. The sausage, not the penis.
Nobody won, I had my tiger kill both of them.

Hilarious, Mr. Gorilla Bananas. How do you find these engaging stories? I think the English man was probably correct as it's not often they're found to be wrong.

Penis shaped pasta from your mother, indeed. We all know pasta expands and doubles in size once cooked; maybe she was trying to tell him something. Personally I think a nice cheesy sauce or hot fish bouillabaisse would be most apt.

those look a lot better than the geoducks my my wife collects.

isn't kyrgyzstan the eastern neighbor of absurdyzstan?
Hmm, what an odd gift for a stocking stuffer.
That is a rather twisted gift for a mother to give her son, especially if she asked him to cook and serve them to her.
Jono: I admire your clarity of opinion on this question. What would you say to a chef who had used the penile appendage in a gourmet dish?

Jules: Pasta does expand, but it also gets soft if you cook it for too long. Do you think she wanted him to cook it 'al dente', Jules?

Billy: Is your wife keen on seafood, Billy? It's good for the heath, but maybe she should try something meatier from time to time.

Cocaine There's nought as queer as folk, Miss Princess.

Robyn: Could Zac really bear to watch his mother eat it, Robyn? Maybe he'd rather have her feed it to him. :)
I got lots and lots and lots of Bazooka Joe merch. Lots. The X-Ray specs don't work, fyi.
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