Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Pammy's last hurrah

I am thrilled to the cockles of my groin that Pamela Anderson will be posing in Playboy’s last nude issue. It just goes to show that even a fusty old reptile like Hef can have a flash of inspiration. Call me a kinky ape, but I am far more interested in Pamela’s body now that she’s reached the ripe and raunchy age of 48. We gorillas prefer our meat cured and slightly chewy. I just hope they don’t airbrush the photos to make her skin look like polished plastic.

There are many things I admire about Pamela Anderson. Her critics think she’s an airhead, but she’s definitely not as stupid as she looks. Her critics might say that no one is as stupid as she looks, but they can go and suck on lemons. A woman who can make fifty thousand bucks by posing naked in Playboy doesn’t need to worry about snide comments from pettifoggers and guttersnipes.

The good news is that her sons have given their blessings to the venture:

“Mom you've got to do it,” said Brandon. “We're older, we're not embarrassed anymore of you. You know, we think you're great!”

“He was so excited he may have high-fived me!” added Pamela.

You’ve got to wonder how Pammy’s boys will turn out. My gut feeling is that they’ll be fine young men with a deep respect for women, even if the women in question are hoochies or harlots. That doesn’t mean they’ll date such women, of course. I wouldn’t be surprised if they married Mormon girls, who would never dream of being unfaithful to their husbands unless they were carousing with other women, which doesn’t count as cheating in the Mormon religion. I make this proviso after learning about a new genre of lesbian pornography that the manager of the safari camp is currently enthusiastic about. It purports to show Mormon girls ecstatically exploring their erogenous areas.

“I’d convert to Mormonism to get a pair of wives like those two,” he said, while drooling over a video clip on his i-phone.

“Be careful what you wish for,” I remarked. “Your sex life might be limited to the role of a referee in a wrestling match.”

“Hmm,” said the manager frowning. “I was hoping to be the hooker in a rugby scrum.”

“Not much chance of that,” I replied. “They don’t play rugby in America.”

I now feel quite guilty about spoiling the manager’s fantasy. Christmas is a time for whimsy and make-believe, when fat jolly men empty their sacks under big bushy trees. You’re not supposed to tell children that Santa Claus isn’t real and the elves won’t turn up because they only want to play with themselves. I will have to cheer him up with news of how the Mormon faith is spreading outside America, to countries where rugby is played with a passion. Good things come to those who wait, as the Book of Mormon would have said if a gorilla had written it.


The Japing Ape wishes his readers a Merry Christmas.

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and a jolly holiday to you and your fellow apes!
happy holidays to you mr bananas and may all your fruit be perfectly ripe.

good old pam is an animal rights activist so she's ok in my books.
Any more polished or air brushed looking? pam? Is that evening possible? I wonder if she'll be nude? And will her bit still be nice, or look like loose bacon? Mormon lesbian sex? Rugby? The only part of this post I understood was about a man emptying his sacks under a tree. Happy Christmas and Tidings dear Ape ! Xoxo
This subgenre of which you speak is very interesting. How are we to verify these women are indeed Mormons upon a voyage of discovery? The validity of their audio-visual experience is almost unquantifiable(?) to the objective observer. A sort theological Schrodinger's Pussy, if you will.
Slightly chewy... Is that a fact? Well, you can bet those - I quote - "cockles of my groin" that those pictures will be airbrushed right down to her pinky toes.
Well Gorilla... now that Playboy is becoming G rated... maybe you can take up where Hugh Hefner left off and make your blog the new super sexy alternative. Anyway, I don't know where you are getting your information about the Mormon religion, but I don't think the things you are posting are 1000% accurate. Finally, let me congratulate Pam Anderson on the fact she still has a career.
Pam Anderson was a great choice for Playboy's last nude issue.
And your readers wish the Japing Ape a very Merry Christmas too.
Anne Marie: Thank you, Anne Marie. I'll think of you when we're doing our booty dance. ;)

Billy: She certainly is, which is one of the reasons I like her. A merry one to you, Mr Pilgrim.

Mistress Maddie: Pam has never disappointed me, Mistress, but then I've never let my expectations get too high. I'll be happy to explain the rules of rugby to you. I think you'd prefer it to American football.

Mosha: I toyed with the idea of linking to a suitable clip, but decided not to jeopardise this blog's PG rating. I can vouch that there IS something different about the ladies in question. You'd better publish a paper on 'Schrodinger's Pussy' before someone steals your idea.

Blue Grumpster: You are too pessimistic, Mr Grumspter.

Jimmy I would never do that, Jimmy, I have to maintain my hard-worn reputation as a family entertainer. Have you had any dealings with Mormons? I have only seen them in video clips and they seemed to interpret their religion in a broad-minded way.

Pop Tart: She'll be glad to have your endorsement, Ms Pop Tart. :)

Wendy: Merry Christmas to you, Wendy, and thanks for revealing yourself at this blessed time of year. :)
It's sweet of a boy to support his mother in all her endeavors.
Hope you have a wonderful holiday.
I think she's the right bird for the last nude issue, myself. I think this will the final time she gets those natural tits of hers wet between the covers of a glossy.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Gorilla Bananas and do everything that I wouldn't ;0
I'm sure Pammy's boy are doing well-- you hardly ever hear about them in the press unlike other children of celebrities.

Merry Christmas, GB!!
Merry Christmas!
I rather enjoyed the giggles I had reading this post, Thank you!
South Park did a good episode on Mormonism and is the most accurate representation of Mormonism in the mainstream media to date.
The cockles of my groin. I always wondered what to call those things. Old Pam's probably got a few good years left although she has a lot of miles on her. Rode hard and put away wet as we used to say on the ranch.
Mormon lesbianism?
This looks like a job for Google!
Robyn: Yes, indeed. He may also be thinking about his college fees. :)

Mary: Thank you, Mary, I hope you enjoyed your Christmas too.

Jules: I'd love to find out what you wouldn't do, Jules. Maybe we could then do it together. ;)

Cocaine: Yes, Miss Princess, and let's hope it stays that way!

Fearsome Beard: You're welcome Mr Beard - it's always a pleasure to be visited by a human who's almost as hirsute as I am!

Jimmy: I remember that episode, Jimmy. Did they imply that the founder of the Mormon religion was a humbug and a charlatan?

Jono: They are called many things, Mr Jono, although the ones I mentioned were spiritual rather than physical. I think I'd like to visit your ranch.

Al: I could give you a link, but your wife might accuse me of being a porn pimp.
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