Wednesday, September 09, 2015

Quo fartis?

Taylor Swift has denied breaking wind during a live performance on MTV, even though the sound that tooted out as she bent over on stage was suspiciously fart-like. The TV station has supported her claim that a microphone malfunction was to blame, so I suppose that settles the issue. What reason would they have to invent an alibi for a megastar who earns them millions in advertising revenue?

As a jungle-dwelling ape, I know all too well how the ears can be fooled by deceptive sound effects. I remember once laughing at a squatting baboon who seemed to be passing gas like a punctured tyre, only to realise that the noise was being made by a serpent hissing in the nearby bushes. I felt like an utter ass on realising my error, as snakes are no laughing matter in the jungle.

Whether or not Taylor broke wind, I’m disappointed that she went to the trouble of denying it. The idea that pretty girls shouldn’t fart is one of the great humbugs of human society. Not only is farting a normal bodily function, it’s essential for good health. As well as releasing excess pressure, it removes pungent gases that would do no good if left to bubble and froth inside the intestines. Miss Swift could have made it socially acceptable for young ladies to discharge their flatulence openly and politely, instead of clenching their butt cheeks until an opportunity to sneak it out slyly arises.

Now some of you are probably thinking that I’ve overlooked a crucial question on the subject of farting. What about those in the vicinity of the perpetrator who must endure the obnoxious smell? This is hardly an issue in the animal kingdom because the odours are speedily dissipated in the open air. Not even a herd of flatulent wildebeest can stink up the entire savannah in all its vastness. It’s only the human fad for living in confined spaces that has made the innocent bystander a potential victim of malodorous emissions.

I’m not suggesting that modern humans should return to outdoor living, of course. Even a macho poseur like Bear Grylls, who conned President Obama into smooching his overrated arse, would find it impossible to endure in the long run. The solution, it seems to me, is good ventilation combined with a clear warning from the emitter of the gas to those within sniffing range. Nothing is achieved by the current practice of non-disclosure and denial. It only makes the problem worse.

What can never be tolerated is deliberately using the fart as a weapon. Fans of South Park will remember an episode in which Eric Cartman repeatedly farts on some innocent Muslims to make them confess to terrorist activities. There are also shocking You Tube videos of college boys farting in the faces of their sleeping room mates. It goes without saying that such abuses must be stamped out, but how will that be possible while farting and farting etiquette remain taboo subjects?

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FART PROUDLY! - benjamin franklin
Every once in awhile we like to share a slice of life from the Goodstuff family. Last night Pinko (the commie dog) let rip a stinker. However, the rest of the family blame my ass. I had to explain that it could not be me that fouled the air.

You see, my farts smell like roses. Whereas, Bipole (the crazy dog) replied "It is evident that you are suffering from some sort of olfactory dysfunction, or are completely delusional. Olfactory hallucinations are not unheard of in individuals suffering from mental health disorders."

To market, to market,
You got to be smart;
Promise them beans
But deliver a fart.
she's a robbie burns fan!

where ever ye may be, let your wind blow free
I know the 2 times in my life I accidentally cut the cheese in public people were not very understanding at all, and behaved if I had murdered their first born. I don't see why Taylor Swift's farts be given special treatment just because she is a celebrity.
Well Ape, you know what my motto is? If you can't catch em, shoot em! Or better still, there's more room out then in!
Farts are funny. That's all there is to it. They always have been and they always will be. And thank God for that. Some people are able to make a major career out of it.
Anne Marie: Are your ones loud as well as proud, Anne Marie?

Goodstuff: Very intellectual dogs, I must say! Perhaps you should send Pinko to North Korea.

Pop Tart: Thank you, Ms Pop Tart, I will add that to my collection of my fart rhymes!

Billy: Are you sure Burns was referring to farts? I've heard Scotsman prefer the breeze to blow upwards.

Jimmy: It's terrible that you were ostracised for farting, Jimmy. Those responsible should be ashamed of themselves. Did you subsequently teach yourself how to avoid farting in public?

Mistress M: I didn't know it was your motto, Mistress, but I'm all the better for having heard it! Have you ever farted in the presence of an animal?

Exile: Roald Dahl observed that children thought it was hilarious when adults farted, so put it in one of his books. But I never thought it got many laughs in America.
No. I just don't do it.
The problem with farting on cue is that, sometimes, the "Shit-Air Separator" isn't working correctly.
Then, you have the makings on a disaster on your hands.
Especially if you're wearing white trousers.
Did you know that rats fart too? For such small animals, they have farts of mass destruction. Not even kidding. lol
I'm disappointed too, GB. I wonder if her farting habits explain her lack of a long term boyfriend. Actually, perhaps my farting habits explain my mostly celibate existence. It's a good way to stay safe.
Have you ever farted in the presence of an animal? Why yes, I have, and even startled a few.
Don't know why she didn't just 'shake it off' instead of causing all this 'Bad blood' That's the problem with these pretty stars that behave like they're '22' and try and keep their issues 'safe and sound'. 'I knew you were trouble' Miss Swift, the minute I saw your 'Style' I knew that there was a'Blank space' inside your head.....Another 'Love story' ruined eh? That's why your Daddy told them to stay away from Juliette ;)
Two words. Blazing Saddles.
@jono - bwhahahahahaha!

@gorilla - loud and proud and stinky!
Jimmy: You must have developed a skill which you previously lacked, Jimmy.

Al: Solid fuel should feel different to pure gas, so there must have been a sensor malfunction.

Mary: I hope you make them sniff up the pollution they create, Mary!

Robyn: I think there's a book called How to fart like a lady, Robyn. Great title, isn't it? :)

Mistress Maddie: That should keep them on their toes! I hope they didn't give you a dirty look afterwards.

Jules: Are those her song titles you're quoting, Jules? I'm afraid I'm not as familiar with her work as I should be!

Jono: I saw the movie, but can't see it's relevance. Was there a fart joke I've forgotten?

Anne Marie: So there was a fart joke? I'd better look it up on You Tube.
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