Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Queen and country

Pierce Brosnan has made the daring suggestion that the next James Bond should be gay. The idea is not quite as preposterous as it sounds. It would be good to have a Bond who dresses stylishly and knows all the fancy dance steps. A musical production on Broadway would not be out of the question.

Yet no one should underestimate the conundrums and dilemmas of pulling off such an outrageous coup. The thorny issue of sex inevitably rears its throbbing head. As anyone who’s followed the Bond franchise knows, carnal intimacy is no mere recreation for 007. He often has to sleep with women to pump them for information. Sometimes the baddies try to catch him with his pants down, but the attempt invariably fails, leaving them with much egg white on their faces. You know the day of reckoning is approaching when a cocksure Bond thwarts his treacherous assassins. While it’s certainly possible for a gay man to have sex with a woman (think of Oscar Wilde, Rock Hudson and John Travolta), it’s not in the nature of Bond to fake orgasms or shoot with his gun half-cocked. One limp love scene could ruin the entire movie.

Then there’s the question of dealing with the villains, most of whom are men. Despicable blackguards though they are, it cannot be denied that many of them are sexy beasts (e.g. Kamal Khan and his big-turbaned henchman in Octopussy). Could a gay secret agent kill a man in cold blood that he was sexually attracted to? Or would his finger tremble on the trigger as he pointed his lethal weapon? I don’t pretend to know the answer to these questions, but the doubts are sufficient to warrant a thorough investigation. The court calls Mistress Maddie as an expert witness.

Now, the sexuality of crime-fighting heroes is a recurrent topic of conjecture. Batman and Robin were thought to be in the closet by many, although that never stopped Catwoman from trying to bring out the tomcat in the Caped Crusader. Maybe the smell of his sweaty tights interfered with her gaydar. More recently, the actor who plays Spiderman has suggested that his character should by gay or bisexual. Actually, I don’t see how he could be anything inside that skin-hugging costume. Someone should solve the riddle of how Spiderman takes a leak before pondering the question of his sexual urges.

My own view is that the truly dedicated crime-fighter should be asexual, like the late Steve McGarrett of Hawaii-5-0. Anyone can see that James Bond is a ludicrous fantasy figure invented by Ian Fleming, a wannabe action hero who seduced women with champagne and sausages. Personally, I could never trust a public servant who was obsessed about sex. Dirty Harry rarely got laid, and when he did the woman had to practically open her thighs and sit on his face. That’s the way it has to be for a no-crap law-enforcer. You can’t be thinking about poontang when you’re protecting the public from villains and vagabonds.

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"He often has to sleep with women to pump them for information." - or just to get his sexy on!

I am not a james bond fan, so I have no opinion on his sexuality.
I think a gay James Bond could be quite interesting, and I have had that thought many times. Of course if Bronson was to take over again or Craig, I'd gladly play the femme fatale! "Could a gay secret agent kill a man in cold blood that he was sexually attracted to? Or would his finger tremble on the trigger as he pointed his lethal weapon? I don’t pretend to know the answer to these questions, but the doubts are sufficient to warrant a thorough investigation" I have already conducted investigation on the very subject. My finger never once tremble on the trigger of my lethal weapon. And I have never had any problem taking care of criminals when I crime fought, although instead of killing them, they were put through very rigorous exercise. And I do mean rigorous.
I would think super heroing is too stressful an occupation to be worried about secks. Though I wouldn't really know as I don't do much of either.
You said throbbing head. Heh.

The best Bond moment ever was in Goldfinger (the novel). Pussy Galore was the leader of a group of lesbian cat burglars. Bond converted her to heterosexuality with his superior lovemaking skills. Ahhhh… They don’t write ‘em like that anymore.
Why not? After all, they did a gay Zorro in "Zorro: the Gay Blade"!
say it ain't so, joe.
Anne Marie: No opinion, Anne Marie? That doesn't sound like you! At least tell us what you would do if Bond infiltrated your bedroom.

Mistress Maddie: Thank you for your well-informed opinion, Mistress. I have no doubt the vilest Bond villains would be thoroughly reformed characters after enduring your program of correction. And as for Bond himself, you would surely make a new man of him. :)

Jimmy: Well Bond seems to thrive on stress, but as I said he's a fantasy figure. How do you deal with stress, Jimmy? Some say meditation is the best thing for it.

Exile: Have any libraries reclassified those novels as humorous fiction? Unintentional comedy is often the funniest kind.

Ms Pop Tart: Is that a PG certificate, Ms Pop Tart? I wouldn't want to order anything that might excite the baboons.

Billy: It ain't true yet, Billy. But in 20 years time, who knows?
I have high anxiety and no concrete plan for dealing with stress.
While I'm not a fan of James Bond I an sick of seeing things remade so that that are politically correct or so that one segment of society does't get their panties in a bunch. Leave it alone I say.
Gay, black, transgender....good grief, will it ever stop?
What's next? Caitlyn Jenner as Superman?
I'm not a fan of the idea. Bond's womanising is a huge part of his character. Next, he'll be working as a high school teach instead of a secret agent.
Hmmm... I think I agree with Michael above. Some things need to stay the same. Bond is an institution and without the sexual prowess, innuendo and smooth moves it would be a bit lame.
If he has to be gay then he can only be played by Matt Bomer.
I always suspected Batman's "Little Buddy" did more than say "Holy Cow, Batman."

LOL at your inclusion of John Travolta.
Jimmy: I'd recommend a visit to the seaside, Jimmy. Or if you can't manage that, listen to a tape of the sea washing against the shore.

Mary: And if Bond were gay, there would still be no guarantee of un-bunched panties.

Al: It won't stop until God comes out of the closet. I've always suspected He was a transvestite - look at the way the Pope dresses.

Michael: He'd be a maniser instead of a womaniser, which might create a lot of tension with M and Q. I don't know how Moneypenny would feel about it.

Jules: Do you mean Matt Boner? I've never heard of him, actually.

Robyn: Maybe he also said "Holy Bull, Batman," when they were back at the cave.
There are just some things that should be left alone--- leave James Bond straight.
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