Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Life after Hef

One of Hef’s former playmates has revealed that her sex life in the Playboy Mansion was less than exhilarating:

“The sex was very routine and something I don't think any of the girls really enjoyed,” reflects Holly Madison. “We just wanted to get it over with.”

My advice to Hef would be to take her evaluation as a compliment. Many things in life are routine, including picking one’s teeth and grooming one’s chest hairs. It doesn’t necessarily mean they are foul or depraved activities. When you think of the things Holly might have said, Hef got off very lightly. A less charitable and magnanimous lady might have insinuated that submitting to his desires was like being ravished by a hairy old goat. This is by no means a routine event at altitudes lower than the Sierra Nevada foothills.

A far more damaging revelation was that Hef refused to let Holly consult a psychiatrist while she was in the mansion:

“He knew they'd advise me to leave,” she explained. “It wasn't about what was best for me. It was about him maintaining control.”

This is like hiring Mexicans to work on a cactus farm and refusing to let them get medical attention when they are pricked. Had I been the president of the American sex workers’ union, I would have organised a picket outside the mansion to protest against this violation of basic employment rights. Is it too late to sue Hef for this outrage? Pecuniary damages would not be sufficient. Nothing less than a public caning of his leathery buttocks would be just compensation.

I’ve often wondered whether it’s possible for Hef’s consorts to have a normal life after leaving the mansion. Their situation is similar to Japanese people who’ve appeared in game shows where the contestants have to perform tasks that test their endurance, such as eating worms or licking frogs. However beautiful the playmates are (and Holly is certainly a dish), the evil torments they’ve suffered must continue to haunt them.

No one could blame them for turning to lesbianism, but if they’re still attracted to men, they would need to find someone completely free of the human tendency to blame the victim rather than the perpetrator. Maybe an army doctor who specialises in treating post-traumatic stress disorder would make the ideal husband. A woman who’s having flashbacks and nightmares needs to share her bed with a man who maintains his composure when she’s tossing in her sleep.

As for Hef, one has to pity an old codger who tries to live up to his former reputation by having group sex with girls who are embarrassed by the sight of his mangy old todger. Maybe he thinks he’s doing them a favour by letting them rub their breasts into his toothless face. May the archangel Beelzebub give him the good sense to retire to a wheelchair and discover the delights of voyeurism. I can’t think of a more fitting and dignified way of ending a life of celebrated debauchery.

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hef had a thing for blonds (full disclosure: spouse used to subscribe to his mag); the centerfold was the flavor of the month.

now he must have been some kinda lover back in the day (say the 60s-70s). but WHO in their right minds would wanna cuddle up to a saggy wrinkled old nutsack and a dick that you need a magnifying glass to find?

I hope holly (and all the other "flavors of the month") get the help they need.
pity the hef? i'd change places with him in a heartbeat. i've always wanted my own grotto.
The Playboy Mansion was geared for reputational sex.
"The sex was very routine and something I don't think any of the girls really enjoyed" And can you blame them? I know I would need a bath just thinking of that on top of me...or under me, which ever the case. I keep waiting to read in the society pages he finally passed on top of one of those blonds and went out with a bang.
And how's about that Anne Marie? She sure doesn't mince words!!!!!
You mean he can still get it up and get off? That surprises me. And do those bimbos really expect him to not only be capable but be good? He doesn't pick 'em for their intellect. Does he, GB?
The thought of Hof sitting and watching the action from afar is very fitting. No doubt he will feel like he is reprising a small portion of his role from Baywatch.
The media is acting like she dissed Hef, but I think she was being very diplomatic. If she had said the secks was GREAT, we all would have known she was lying. Saying she wanted to "get it over with" is about the nicest way she could have put it and still had any credibility. I'm amazed this Hefner cat is even still alive. Maybe one of his old buddies like Bill Cosby or Jared Fogle (the disgraced Subway spokesman) has just propped up his decaying corpse like in the "Weekend at Bernie's" movies.
Anne Marie: Did you or your spouse read the articles in Playboy? I've heard some people appreciate the literary style.

Billy: You're a frisky young buck compared to Hef, Billy! I think the playmates would be happier with you in his place.

Ms Pop Tart: Are women still impressed with Hef's reputation, Ms PT? What exactly was his reputation anyway?

Mistress M: Am I right in thinking that the average gay man would rather sleep with the playmates than Hef?

Robyn: Anything is possible with the blue pills, Robyn. I think Holly is one of the smarter ones. The really dumb ones probably think it's an honour to have that old alligator rubbing against them.

Steve: Now why did you have to bring the Hof into the discussion? It's like putting Dracula and Hannibal Lecter into the same horror film.

Jimmy: I intended to make exactly the same point in the post, Jimmy, but edited it out to avoid overcooking the pasta. Hef is probably taking all kinds of potions to keep him alive. Are you supposed to feel dirty if you enjoyed The Cosby Show? I always thought it should have been called 'The Huxtables' or something.
Gorilla, in my opinion it is worse if one can no longer enjoy Subway sub sandwiches.
Yes, he is a sexist old fart, but aren't us guys all just a little bit proud of him? No?
Poor Hef! Can you imagine if all your old lovers paraded their reviews out for all the world to see?! Sure, there were some that were satisfied, but early on I was kind of quick, if you know what I mean. Who'd want to read that in a public forum?!

"When they are pricked."
Oh, I see what you did there.
Well played.
Hef and his girls had a reality show-- "The Girls Next Door" and often Holly spoke about wanting to marry Hef and how much she loved him. I find it strange now how she's changing her tune. Hmm?
The fact that these women are degrading themselves in order to get in the Playboy magazine is funny. They put themselves there so I don't feel bad for them.
I think he’d probably like a public caning of his arse. Maybe she should have gone down that road and tied him up and flogged him.
These girls know what the crack is (hmm) so should quit whining. They get money and fame and he gets every blokes wet dream until he snuffs it under a pair of weighty double F’s!
Jimmy: I think I agree with you. Is there any reason for someone to go off Subway sandwiches without going off sandwiches in general?

Dr Ken: Men who think pissing off feminists is a virtue should certainly be proud of him. Men who aspire to be great lovers less so.

Exile: You're lucky they didn't time you with a stop watch. I believe the South African security police did that to a clergyman they were bugging in the apartheid era. Not Bishop Tutu, thank goodness.

Al: Do you think Hef is envious of cacti? I won't ask if you are.

Cocaine Princess: She doesn't deny she was in love with him, Miss Princess. Could you be in love with a man who didn't satisfy you sexually?

Mary: They are young and foolish, Mary! They need your maternal advice!

Jules: Yes, it's probably the most erogenous part of his body now. Do F-sized boobs really exist, Jules? Definitely too much of a good thing!
Since I'm 25 years younger than Hef, maybe I could be a stepping stone on their way to be with people closer to their own ages rather than the age of their great grandfather.
when i read this, i keep thinking of STDs. it doesn't matter, some viruses just travel any way and manifest themselves in women more than men.
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