Wednesday, August 05, 2015
Incurable Afflecktion
Ben Affleck has got in a tizzy over allegations that he slept with his children’s nanny:
“The story is complete garbage and full of lies!” he bawled. “It’s shameful and desperate!”
Any man who contests a conjecture so hotly is probably hiding something, but that would be straying into matters of irrelevance. I have no interest in what games Affleck and the nanny played inside the wendy house. What bothers me is the vehemence of the denial, which indicates a lack of etiquette. A man should never imply that having sexual relations with a particular woman is an abomination on a par with massaging the devil’s buttocks. The poor nanny must be feeling like Henrietta of Hagsville.
I remember when my old circus buddy Smacker Ramrod was rumoured to have slept with the daughter of a local farmer, thereby obtaining free supplies of fresh milk, whipping cream and other choice delicacies. The ringmaster publicly confronted him on the issue:
“Ramrod, you sly dog!” he exclaimed. “Have you been procuring fresh produce by rogering the farmer’s daughter?”
Smacker smiled wistfully and sighed, looking into the distance.
“I should be so lucky,” he said.
His answer was the last word spoken on the subject, and when the farmer’s daughter got to hear of it she was immensely gratified. So much so, that the favours she allegedly performed for him were extravagantly enhanced and upgraded.
Another fine example of such gallantry occurred in the film Live and Let Die, in which James Bond seduced a virgin priestess played by the nymph-like Jane Seymour. The downside of this auspicious event was that Miss Solitaire (as she was known) lost her power of prophecy, which is the unavoidable fate of any virgin seer who is despoiled by a sharp-shooting servant of the Crown.
This greatly displeased the crime baron who controlled her. After capturing Bond, he summoned Miss Solitaire to the interrogation chamber and immediately guessed what had happened. In the style of the ringmaster, he put the question to his captive directly, not sparing the blushes of the deflowered maiden who unwillingly witnessed the scene. As one would expect of a British secret agent, Bond was unflappable:
“That’s not the sort of question a gentleman answers,” he replied dismissively.
Everyone knew, of course, that Bond had tutored her in the wiles of the boudoir, but a man of honour is discreet in his utterances about the ladies he consorts with.
One has to pity Mr Affleck for lacking the refinement to respond to an accusation of hanky panky with the decorum befitting a squire of the parish. It is too late for him to learn these niceties? One would like to think that he could acquire such habits if he served an apprentice as a dogsbody of Colin Firth or some other thespian of more notable pedigree. On the other hand, one look at his spoiled, whiny face suggests he is too far gone to be improved by an example of superior manners and deportment.
Labels: Ben Affleck, Colin Firth, hanky-panky, James Bond, Miss Solitaire, nanny
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I'm afraid that I have to agree with Affleck, GB. It is "shameful and desperate." She looks way too cute to have sex with Affleck.
I couldn't agree more with you Ape!!!! One must keep certain tidbits a mystery. And most of Hollywood could take a page or six from Colin's book! It's nice to hint... but that's it. I say never kiss and tell.
"it's shameful and desperate," he bawled.... You know he's reminiscing! GUILTY! Besides, who hires a nanny that hot? I bet it wasn't his misses.
I told my wife early on: NO HOT NANNIES. Well, babysitters. We don’t have nannies. We’re a babysitter income. Not a nanny income. But I told her I’d never drive the babysitter home. It’d be her word against mine and nobody would ever believe me.
Bond’s greatest conquest was Pussy Galore—an avowed lesbian (in the novel) who was converted to heterosexuality by Bond’s superior lovemaking skills. They don’t write ‘em like that anymore.
Bond’s greatest conquest was Pussy Galore—an avowed lesbian (in the novel) who was converted to heterosexuality by Bond’s superior lovemaking skills. They don’t write ‘em like that anymore.
I never knew Ben Afleck and Jennifer Garner were married until they were getting divorced... which I suppose is sad. It would be insulting to his wife for Ben not to vehemently deny these rumors. I at least admire him for walking around looking sad and depressed since the break up. At least it shows he cares.
Anne Marie: Would that be before or after you've been formally introduced?
Robyn: There was I trying to work out who the shameful and desperate one was and you've solved it for me, Robyn! It could only be Affleck!
Mistress M: I know from your posts what an expert at kissing-and-hinting you are, Mistress. I think you could give lessons. :)
Jules: I came to the same conclusion, Jules. He seems to be lashing out after getting caught with his pants down.
Exile: They don't write them like that any more because fantasists like Fleming don't get published nowadays. Maybe you should prove your fidelity to your wife by sleeping with naked women like Gandhi! :)
Jimmy: Not if he's guilty, Jimmy. If his wife knows he's had an affair, his public denials would be infuriating. A man of honour would have denied it to her privately and allowed her to make a pubic denial if she wanted to. Have you considered what Lieutenant Worf would have done in Affleck's position?
Robyn: There was I trying to work out who the shameful and desperate one was and you've solved it for me, Robyn! It could only be Affleck!
Mistress M: I know from your posts what an expert at kissing-and-hinting you are, Mistress. I think you could give lessons. :)
Jules: I came to the same conclusion, Jules. He seems to be lashing out after getting caught with his pants down.
Exile: They don't write them like that any more because fantasists like Fleming don't get published nowadays. Maybe you should prove your fidelity to your wife by sleeping with naked women like Gandhi! :)
Jimmy: Not if he's guilty, Jimmy. If his wife knows he's had an affair, his public denials would be infuriating. A man of honour would have denied it to her privately and allowed her to make a pubic denial if she wanted to. Have you considered what Lieutenant Worf would have done in Affleck's position?
I heartily concur. Mr Affleck would indeed have been damned lucky. He'll now be lucky if he has relations with the nanny or his wife ever again.
If the nurse was as good-looking as she seems in the photo, I would be pretending I was disappointed that people found out.
Billy: Did he get banned for being a card counter? Whatever the case, good mental arithmetic does not make him a gentleman.
Steve: His reaction to the story suggests he is well aware of his misfortune.
Jimmy: Captain Picard never gives advice on personal matters, Jimmy. Do you remember when Data asked him for advice about a love affair with a member of the crew? Picard refused point blank.
Mary: Maybe they thought you were out of their league, Mary. :)
Michael: That would be tantamount to a confession of guilt, Michael. Sometimes it's better to stay tight-lipped. :)
Jaya: I can well believe she was star-struck, Jaya. But somehow I doubt he lived up to her fantasies.
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Steve: His reaction to the story suggests he is well aware of his misfortune.
Jimmy: Captain Picard never gives advice on personal matters, Jimmy. Do you remember when Data asked him for advice about a love affair with a member of the crew? Picard refused point blank.
Mary: Maybe they thought you were out of their league, Mary. :)
Michael: That would be tantamount to a confession of guilt, Michael. Sometimes it's better to stay tight-lipped. :)
Jaya: I can well believe she was star-struck, Jaya. But somehow I doubt he lived up to her fantasies.
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