Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Countess of Giglio

Pamela Anderson has been named Imperial Countess of Giglio by Prince Stefan of Montenegro. The prince bestowed the title upon her at a ceremony in Genoa, caressing her seductive shoulders with his mighty sword. What did she do to merit such a prestigious honour? For those who know Pamela, the answer is obvious – it was for her tireless efforts in field of marine conservation.

Never forget that Pamela spent years on the set of Baywatch, frolicking on the beaches in a bathing suit. Her proximity to the sea caused her bosom to burgeon with an abiding affection for the oceanic fauna, including the octopi and squid. Her activism on their behalf was relentless. Fishermen were picketed, lobsters were liberated and shrimps were mourned rather than eaten. Those she could not save were given a decent burial at sea (or in the rest room). The destitute of the deep revered her as their Mother Theresa.

Her compassion for marine life is all the more admirable when you consider that most humans treat the ocean as a giant larder and recreational pleasure pond. Jacques Cousteau was the exception to the rule. The trendsetters of today like to speed through the waves in their motor boats and yachts, ramming hapless turtles that get in the way. As for the fellows with surf boards, they pretend to be lovable hedonists who’ll let baby seals play with their toys, but they only really care about riding the big one.

Even my ancestor Bo’sun Bananas, a mariner through-and-through, made derogatory remarks about sea creatures in his diaries. Here is an entry from 13th August 1803:

Today at noon the Captain flogged an able seaman for unnatural acts with a dugong. How a well-travelled man of the world could mistake a whiskered mound of blubber for a tavern wench is beyond my ken. I blame it on the grog. Better to suck the juice from lemons that befuddle your wits with that unholy brew. It’s amazing what you can see from the crow’s nest…

In defence of the noble bo’sun, I should point about that gorillas of the early nineteenth century were very naïve about their human cousins. The idea that seafaring men might have a fetish for chubby marine mammals would never have occurred to them. It takes years of anthropological observation for such nuggets to be absorbed into the folklore of a species.

Can humans relate to ocean-dwelling animals without eating them, ramming them or having sex with them? Maybe the case of Flipper the dolphin offers some hope for the future. As far I can tell, he willingly performed favours for his human friends without being bullied, coerced or intimidated. Possibly they bribed him with fish, but such arrangements are habitual in the animal kingdom.

My advice to the Imperial Countess of Giglio would be to appoint a dolphin as her nautical advisor and swimming coach. It may not be able to teach her the backstroke, but it would certainly give her a ride back home.

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good thing that the prince's sword didn't burst a boob - the leaking silicone would have swept the room away!
Only just awakened so my eyes were having trouble blurring but I read your post title as Countess of Gigolo.

It rather whet my appetite but there was not a sperm whale in sight.
I am glad Pamela Anderson was appointed the Imperial Countess of Gigilo. I haven't scene much of her since her failed TV series on the FOX Network. In real life Flipper would have been drafted into the CIA and get captured by Al Qaeda while on a spying mission in the Persian Gulf and get turned into tuna.
I spent six years in Coast Guard and I can confirm that people think of the ocean as nothing other than a gigantic toilet or garbage dump. If the Imperial Countess of Giglio can't get them to change their ways, then there's no hope for the deep, blue sea.

i plan on claiming a royal heritage next week and will soon bestow a similar honor to you mr bananas for all your diligent work in protecting and honoring breasts.
I didn't know this about her. Very interesting.
Anne Marie: He didn't get to be a prince without knowing how to keep his sword under control.

Steve: Be glad you didn't read it as the "Cuntess of Gigolo", which might have driven you mad with anticipation.

Jimmy: I never knew she had a TV series on Fox. Did it fail because they didn't publicise it enough? Pamela has millions of fans, as you must know if you watched the Borat movie.

Exile: You were in the Coast Guard? That sounds like an interesting job. Did you mention your nautical experiences in your diaries?

Billy: That's very kind of you, Billy, particularly as I haven't written anything about breasts for a long time. Only a dedicated fan of this blog would remember those posts.

Mary: I'm glad to have added to your knowledge about her, Mary. Is there anything else about Pamela you'd like to know?
I thought it was pretty funny Gorilla. It was a sitcom and premiered right before American Idol. It wasn't the public's cup of tea apparently.
That's outstanding!
Ramming turtles????
With those floaties, Pamela's a natural in the water - I presume.
I saw Pamela on Ellen and she said, on her website she refers to herself as both “Lady Pamela Anderson” and “Imperial Countess of Giglio” and to her sons as “Sir Brandon Lee” and “Sir Dylan Lee.”
i dont know why i read that as countess of gigolo, GB. :D
Jimmy: The public are fickle, Jimmy. I will accept you favourable review as definitive.

Meredith: Why thank you, ma'am!

Al: Don't talk until you've tried it. It's an act which brings no joy to either party.

Robyn: Difficult to say, Robyn, because they're filled something heavier than air. Her head might be more buoyant, though.

Cocaine Princess: Haha, she's really proud of her title! I hope she acquires more of them!

Jaya: I don't know why either, Jaya. Pamela has no need of gigolos! :)
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