Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Shameless acts

I admit to feeling sorry for the English floozy who was arrested in Malaysia for stripping off on a holy peak. How was she to know that her stunt would offend the local mountain gods, causing them to instigate an earthquake measuring 6.0 on the Richter scale? The local tribespeople wanted her to atone for her sacrilegious act by offering the gods ten buffalo heads, but unfortunately she didn’t have any. The Malaysian authorities then took the law into their own hands by charging her with “causing a nuisance”, which is apparently an imprisonable offence in their country.

Had I been the girl’s defence lawyer, I would have made a plea for mercy by pointing out what she didn’t do. Had she performed her nude caper in one of the Mediterranean resorts frequented by British tourists, the locals would have slapped their foreheads in astonishment at her moderation. In the Costa del Sol, the English woman who strips naked is expected either to perform oral sex on the nearest drunken oaf, or douse her body with an alcoholic beverage for the drunken oaf to lap up like a thirsty wolf. The incident would typically be recorded on a mobile phone to provide her with a serviceable memento. Those who are too inebriated to remember the fun they’ve had now take the precaution of capturing it on a digital device to prove it to themselves afterwards. Such are the blessings of modern technology.

The girl’s father has described her as “a very intelligent, stoic young woman”. I suppose we’ll have to take his word for it. The thin mountain air might have turned Tolstoy into a giddy-headed fool. Now that she’s back at sea level, she should validate her father’s words by giving a seminar on meditating in windy places.

Humans from conservative Asiatic countries often remark on the shamelessness of libertine westerners. What they fail to realise is that repressing feelings of shame is sometimes a virtue. Consider the case of Boris Becker, the former tennis maestro, who impregnated a woman in a restaurant in less time than it takes an Olympic sprinter to win the 100 metres. After DNA tests proved his paternity, he humbly accepted his fate, agreeing to a generous divorce settlement with his wife and maintenance payments for his illegitimate daughter.

The girl, now aged 15, is an aspiring model, and her father is suitably doting. Far from being ashamed at having procreated in circumstances that would make a baboon blush, Becker has described the brief coupling as one of the more felicitous events of his life:

“If that's what I'm remembered for, then I'm proud,” he told a British TV network.

I think Becker’s conduct provides a useful lesson for saucy English wenches who prance around naked in exotic holiday destinations. If you’re going to take your clothes off, make sure you get knocked up by a famous sportsman who thinks doing it standing up is an effective method of contraception. The semen of the alpha male is worth its weight in Estée Lauder face creams.

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there is no shame any more; witness the kartrashian klan. there is also no common sense. humans suck ass!
I felt an earthquake when Wendy Toone took her top off. So, while I don't necessarily agree with the Malaysian government, I kind of get it.

In a restaurant? Is that true?! Who can perform under those circumstances?! My libido definitely needs a tune-up.
Who does not carry ten buffalo heads around these days? One never knows when you might need them. And how does one get impregnated in a restaurant? It must have been standing room or something. I once dated a guy who tired to give me a hand job in a very crowd bar, but being the respectable Mistress, I copped a few good feels first, then I put a stop to it before the fly came down. But being in a gay bar, who knows, we may have made some money.
Wow, I'm sure glad nobody caught me twerking naked on the peak of Mt. Hood years ago, GB. That might've cost me dearly.
I once took a piss at the top of Cader Idris and you know what happened? Absolutely nothing. Not even a tremor. Plainly the mountains of Wales are far more broadminded and liberal than those of Malaysia.
I think she should take the plea agreement involving the 10 Buffalo heads, considering she is accused of causing an earthquake. I feel sorry for the lass, but frankly things could have ended up much worse. Maybe Boris Becker could get together with George Michael, Hugh Grant, and other celebrities who have fallen from grace and make a music video about their experiences. I would certainly watch it though I may not purchase the song on itunes.
Anne-Marie: I think I once wrote a post about the Kardashians, but now I have completely forgotten who they are.

Exile: The restaurant incident happened when he was world-class athlete at the top of his game, so not many could have matched his performance. Maybe Pete Sampras. Have you tried Siberian ginseng?

Mistress M: You copped a feel in response to an attempted handjob? I see you favour the counter-attacking strategy. You'd probably be good with the black pieces.

Robyn: Did you cause an earthquake, Robyn? If there was no earthquake, the mountains gods must have liked the goods on display. :)

Steve: Well, the Welsh have a different culture to the Malaysians. Pissing on top of a mountain might be considered as an offering to the Welsh Watersport deity.

Jimmy: Didn't George Michael fall from grace after choking the chicken? That puts him in a different category in my view. Becker wouldn't be suitable because he has no singing voice and is proud of what he did. Hugh Grant would be capable, but I think Divine Brown beat him to the punch. Did you ever listen to her song about the encounter?
you won't get any arguments from me. a pearl necklace is worth way more than some estée lauder face cream.
No, Gorilla. Is it the worst song ever recorded?
I tried going topless on a French beach but it made no impression.
I heard about the Boris Becker romp-- his daughter was conceived in a broom cupboard I believe.

Hmm, not exactly the most romantic place to conceive a child but I do understand the excitement of having sex in other places than the bedroom.
I KNEW I shouldn't have gone to the bullfights on "Naked Female Tourist Night."
Wow! This is a totally neat blog! Lots of neat trivia and witty humor, which is very much appreciated. Glad I found you and hope your weekend is fantastic.
it's funny to note how quickly the media picked up on that : the stripping caused the quake.
malaysians generally don't believe in that theory. their anger is aimed towards the tourists' wanton disregard for a foreign culture and disrespect towards the guide. the mountain top is 'holy' to a particular tribe who lives and takes care of the area. the minority tribe has a deep-rooted culture in animism and there are signboards that tell people of what not to do at the mountain.
as tourists, when we travel, we respect what's foreign and unfamiliar to us even if we have no interest in it. that's just good manners.

Billy: That must be the least controversial point in the whole post!

Jimmy: I haven't actually heard it, Jimmy. I was hoping you had, so you could inform me of its idiosyncrasies without me having to listen to it.

Pop Tart: I'm sorry to hear about that, Ms PT. The French can be very blasé about such things.

Cocaine Princess: I would have expected you to be understanding, Miss Princess. It's one of your qualities.

Al: There's plenty of bull at both events. I think you were safer at the bullfight.

RO: Well thank you, RO, I'm glad to be discovered by you!

Jaya: Thanks for explaining, Jaya. Does the signboard say stripping naked isn't allowed? They should have known better, of course. Maybe we can take some small comfort from the fact that they didn't cause the earthquake.
How different our cultures and beliefs are, right? I feel sorry for the girl though. But really, what was she up to then? We can only guess.
I have guessed on many occasions, Miss Lux. I believe I guessed correctly on my 17th attempt.
Sorry I didn't get here sooner. This is a lot more educational than The Enquirer.

I fear you know us British all too well.
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