Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Navel blockade
Fifty years from now, grizzled old men will tell their grandchildren that Taylor Swift’s belly button made its first public appearance this year. If you don’t believe me, try googling the phrase “Taylor Swift’s belly button” and behold the number of articles about this momentous event.
The abdominal aperture’s exposure is all the more surprising given Miss Swift’s earlier announcement on the subject:
“I don’t like showing my belly button… I don’t want people to know if I have one or not.”
We should thank her for resolving the ambiguity. There are baboons in the Congo who might have worshipped Miss Swift because they believed she was a magical being with a smooth, un-punctured belly. Such harmful superstitions inevitably lead to baby wart-hogs being sacrificed on altars.
If we examine Taylor’s tummy-cranny, it’s clearly an “inny” rather than an “outy”. Indeed, it has the suggestion of an unusually cavernous “inny”. If a tribe of chimpanzees ever got hold of Taylor, they would poke their fingers into her navel to gauge its depth. I should imagine many humans would do the same if they weren’t inhibited by cultural taboos against the poking of celebrity belly buttons.
Miss Swift would be well advised to avoid such outrages by wearing a navel plug. A skilled craftsman could make a custom-made device with a carbon-fibre shaft and a dazzling sapphire head. Those who dared to stare at Taylor’s midriff would be awed and stunned by a flash of blue light.
Of course, there are some men who wouldn’t be able to probe a woman’s belly button because their fingers are too thick. Liberace comes to mind, although he may have lacked the curiosity in any case. David Hasselhoff is another fellow who might be digitally incapable, although one can’t be certain about this. Being tall and tanned doesn’t necessarily mean the fingers are beefy and butch.
The Hoff has recently been in the news for claiming that he doesn’t need Viagra. Acutely aware that people must be wondering how a 62-year-old man keeps his 35-year-old girlfriend satisfied, he has taken to boasting about his prodigious carnal appetite:
“That’s one problem I don’t have,” he assured an on-line magazine. “If anything, I am trying to find an anti-Viagra pill because my girlfriend keeps saying, ‘Why is it that you want it every day?’ And I'm like, ‘Because I find it takes the edge off things’.”
I don’t doubt for one second that the Hoff has the libido of a stallion on a stud farm, but why does he need sex to take the edge off things? A man in the Hoff’s happy situation shouldn’t be feeling edgy and tense. If you ask me, his girlfriend isn’t the great catch everyone assumes her to be. For one thing, she’s supposedly turned down five marriage proposals from the Hoff, which must have damaged his ego. And what kind of woman complains about having sex every day? Not a woman whose belly button you’d want to poke, that’s for sure.
Labels: baboons, belly button, sexual boasting, Taylor Swift, The Hoff, Viagra
Comments:
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an old dude and a bimbo - who cares?
and who cares about tay-tay's belly button anyway?
AND (if you MUST know) I have an "inny". wanna poke me (it)?
and who cares about tay-tay's belly button anyway?
AND (if you MUST know) I have an "inny". wanna poke me (it)?
She looks very odd - plastic and stupid with a big forehead. And she doesn't understand that he's with her for sex? Perhaps he's trying to take the edge off of the fact that he has a girlfriend as dumb as a rock, GB. What do you think?
I adore Taylor Swift. Seriously. Her new video for "Bad Blood" had +235 million (MILLION) views. Plus, I like it! It has top-notch productions values and a good hook. She snapped her fingers and Apple was brought to its knees. She has good girl-power messages I don't mind my daughters hearing. Okay.
David Hasselhoff...no so much.
David Hasselhoff...no so much.
you can't keep a good hoff down! he takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin.
i think he's aging better than pamela anderson.
i think he's aging better than pamela anderson.
Sounds like The Hoff is an all through the day rider rather than just a Knight Rider. Sorry. Best I could do.
Imagine what star power someone must have for making international news for showing her belly button. The Hoff is another one with quite impressive star power. Have you ever seen his version of "Rhinestone Cowboy"? It is a sight to behold.
Anne Marie: Would my finger fit inside your inny, Anne Marie? We may have to take some measurements first.
Rammer: That seems to be true. I wonder what causes "outies" to be that way?
Robyn: There is something irritating about her face, Robyn. The Hoff has the look of a harried man.
Exile: I'm glad to hear she's such a positive role model. Are you aware she had her heart broken by some sleazy actor who took her virginity?
Billy: You've got to admire his sexual appetite, but somehow I don't think it's slowing down the ageing process. He might be like one of those insects that drop dead after mating a zillion times.
Steve: No need to apologise, it's very apt! Although to be fair, she might do more of the riding than him.
Jimmy: I haven't seen it, Jimmy, but thank you for alerting me to its existence. Is it better than Glen Campbell's version? And do you think Taylor should decorate her belly button? In its bare state, it looks pretty much the same as any young floozy's.
Rammer: That seems to be true. I wonder what causes "outies" to be that way?
Robyn: There is something irritating about her face, Robyn. The Hoff has the look of a harried man.
Exile: I'm glad to hear she's such a positive role model. Are you aware she had her heart broken by some sleazy actor who took her virginity?
Billy: You've got to admire his sexual appetite, but somehow I don't think it's slowing down the ageing process. He might be like one of those insects that drop dead after mating a zillion times.
Steve: No need to apologise, it's very apt! Although to be fair, she might do more of the riding than him.
Jimmy: I haven't seen it, Jimmy, but thank you for alerting me to its existence. Is it better than Glen Campbell's version? And do you think Taylor should decorate her belly button? In its bare state, it looks pretty much the same as any young floozy's.
Since when do we believe everything Hasselhoff has to say? You gotta give Taylor credit for having such a successful career. I don't think the fact that she outed her inny will deter her fans.
Julie
Julie
Julie: I'd be very disappointed in the Hoff if he were telling porkies about his porking. And I think his girlfriend would have ratted on him.
Lux: Not sure what you're referring to, Miss Lux, but I'll take it as a compliment!
Duckbutt: It's something to keep your mind occupied in the dentist's waiting room.
Pop tart: I'm sorry to hear that, Miss PT. Ever thought of decorating it?
Mary: You're very understanding, Mary. Men are curious about such things.
Al: Hoff and Hef would make an interesting double act. And what's all this square talk about doing it wrong? Didn't you live in the sixties, man?
Lux: Not sure what you're referring to, Miss Lux, but I'll take it as a compliment!
Duckbutt: It's something to keep your mind occupied in the dentist's waiting room.
Pop tart: I'm sorry to hear that, Miss PT. Ever thought of decorating it?
Mary: You're very understanding, Mary. Men are curious about such things.
Al: Hoff and Hef would make an interesting double act. And what's all this square talk about doing it wrong? Didn't you live in the sixties, man?
hello GB. have i told you about the tourist i met in Phuket some years ago? he had no nipples.none at all. his chest looked like it's been photoshopped cleared of any hair or features. yes, i was staring rudely :p
Bryan: I'm sure you would never boast like that about your sexual performance!
Jaja: You may well have mentioned that, Jaya. No nipples is much worse than no navel. His chest must have looked like a sheet of paper!
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Jaja: You may well have mentioned that, Jaya. No nipples is much worse than no navel. His chest must have looked like a sheet of paper!
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