Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Swiftian satire

The exciting news from America is that Taylor Swift is being pursued by two men. They aren’t literally chasing her, of course. The human male is not a horse, even though some can snort and whinny with the best of them. The rivals for Taylor’s fair hand are a sportsman called Sean St Leger and a record producer called Calvin Harris. The sportsman looks as if his head was carved from a block of wood, which may be part of his appeal. There is much to be said for a mate who can crack walnuts with his chin.

Will Taylor’s gallants fight for her favour in the time-honoured way? I’d like to see them square up like a pair of feuding silverbacks, fisting each other’s concavities, (but not biting each other’s testicles, which is what chimpanzees would do). Sadly, I suspect they will settle their differences in the modern metrosexual way by allowing Taylor to choose between them. It won’t be an easy decision. Those in the know say she hasn’t slept with either man, so she may as well toss a coin.

But maybe there’s another way. If Taylor is truly as chaste as they say, she could ask each contestant to demonstrate his skills by making love to a sex doll. She wouldn’t watch them herself, of course. The blush that would bring to her maidenly cheeks would be worse than sunburn. A panel of judges would evaluate their performance from behind a one-way mirror, giving points for agility, inventiveness and staying power. The doll herself would have no vote, but would receive a thorough douching after her ordeal. The judges I would appoint are Lady Gaga, Ellen Degeneres and Barry Manilow. It’s what we call a balanced hen coup in the jungle.

To those of you who think that Barry Manilow is a worthless old has-been, I have some stunning news to announce. The great man has recently married his long-time manager and partner, a gentleman by the name of Garry Kief. What, you never knew that Barry was gay? You should have asked. Why should he volunteer information if you don’t take an interest in his life? Fittingly enough, his “best man” was the actress Suzanne Somers, a close lady friend. It all goes to show that the old dog has plenty of waggle-power in his tail.

A more radical solution to Taylor’s dilemma would be to marry both her suitors. Before you dismiss the idea as flagitious and impractical, cast your mind back to a classic film called Paint Your Wagon. In that epic musical western, a pioneer lady was unable to choose between a pair of prospectors played by Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin, so she married both of them. They soon came to an amicable arrangement where the husbands would visit their wife on alternate days or something like that. No different, in principle, from two buddies sharing a mountain bike. This was precisely the kind of pragmatic adaptability that enabled homo sapiens to thrive in the Badlands.

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OMG, to marry both suitors would be crazy. Haha. Taylor Swift is really "the girl" of the hour.

Two good looking guys are after her. She's successful on her own. And she's still young! :)
Well dear, if Seans head is in fact carved from wood, he and Taylor should get along well. My advice to the handsome Calvin meanwhile, is RUN....RUN QUICK.....RUN DAMN IT!
Taylor's suitors should have a knock down drag out fight at the Copa-Copacabana, the hottest spot north of the and passion were always in fashion...Sorry, Manilow moment came over me, GB.
an album may out of this for taylor. being in between two men is quite a story and hard work :p
Actually, there are three men chasing Taylor. But who am I? Someone without a press agent.
A plastic doll can't be a fair measure of staying power. The chafing alone is a deal breaker. And Barry should have stayed as far from his plastic surgeon as his publicist.
Wait?? Barry's gay??
Who knew?
His songs were always so butch.
Lux: Two good-looking guys, Miss G? You are over-generous in your praise.

Mistress M: I get the impression you feel that Taylor is not a prize worth fighting for? Do you know something about her that we don't?

Robyn: Barry would surely be delighted that you remember his old hits, Robyn. Did you ever dream of accompanying him to the Copacabana?

JJ: Who told you she was in-between them, Jaya? I would never believe such salacious gossip.

Exile: And with a wife. You could still be a uncle figure to her, though. She's clearly in need of some avuncular advice.

Quiet: Is that you, Crazy Mama? The chafing problem has been solved by the industry. I could send you a sample of the lube you're supposed to use.

Al: Yeah, but there are women who like androgynous guys like him. Look at all the poontang that came David Cassidy's way.
Gorilla, who told you Taylor Swift was "chaste"? These 2 fellows are obviously being "friend-zoned" if Taylor has not gotten her groove on with them yet. But that is their personal choice if they want to allow Taylor to play with their emotions like that, I suppose.
Bazza is gay? Well I never. Was his name Lola?

I love Taylor Swift songs, they make me want to eat ice cream.

I was born under a wandering star, as it happens and have since found gruff singing men very attractive. It's why I never bonded with our Barry.
Taylor Swift is chaste???
She doesn't know what she's missing! LOL.
barry's 12 years older than me but looks 12 years younger. all the women in my life must be aging me.
Is that guy in the picture with Taylor one of her suitors? Grief. To quote your good self: "she may as well toss a coin". I definitely recommend the coin.
I just hope that Taylor and Barry find happines with their special guys. Then they should all get together to "Shake It Up" at the Copocabano!

Jimmy: Well, Jimmy, there's a story that Jake Gyllenhaal took her virginity and abandoned her, so maybe that made her wary of putting out for the next bozo. I don't think she's a hoochie by nature.

Jules: What a great song that was, Jules! It would have sounded good if a walrus had sung it, although Lee Marvin was the probably the nearest thing to one. I don't think I've ever heard a Taylor Swift song, but I do like ice cream, so maybe her music will make me lick my lips!

Leni: She supposedly lost her virginity to Jake Gyllehaal, so yes, she probably still doesn't know what's she missing!

Billy: He's had plastic surgery, Billy. And I think gay men can wear you down as much as any woman.

Steve: How big would a coin have to be to be a good sex toy? It's a question only a woman could answer. Is this the first time you've seen a question with the words "to be to be" in it? You can answer that one.

Julie: Barry and Taylor would get along just fine, but I'm not so sure about the significant others. I sense a cultural incompatibility.
The guys that are chasing Taylor Swift should run while they can. Because before long she'll be writing songs about them. lol
I just assumed that anyone who sings the song Copacabana is gay...
More shrewd, incisive social commentary.
I've watched St Leger play football/soccer on a number of occasions; based on his more recent efforts, I doubt he is up to the challenge of satiating this Ms Swift.
Mary: Can't they claim a share of the royalties if she writes songs about them?

Michael: I thought 'Copacabana' was one of Barry's more macho songs.

Bryan: You've actually watched him in action? Was it a thigh-pumping performance?
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