Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Bog standard

Paul McCartney has revealed that he finished off many of his greatest songs while sitting on the toilet. Thus, the final verse of Let It Be was written while Paul was pooping in the gentleman’s lavatory at EMI studios. It reached number two in the British charts.

It’s much harder to compose a catchy tune while taking a leak, of course. The “tinkle-tinkle” noise is too distracting for most songwriters. Evacuating the bowels, by contrast, involves lengthy periods of silence interrupted by occasional bursts of wind and percussion. It is said that Beethoven composed his fifth symphony after a heavy lunch of bratwurst and ale.

Although it’s nice of Paul to tell us his song-writing secrets, I’m not really sure I wanted to know. An artist should preserve the mystique of his artistry, so the public remains in awe of his creative genius. When I was in the circus, I performed a conjuring trick that made the audience believe a clown had given birth to a snake. If anyone asked me how I did it, I told them it was voodoo magic from the darkest jungles of Africa.

Now, some would say that Paul hasn’t written a great song in the last 40 years, so his toilet technique must have faltered fairly quickly after the first flush of exuberance. Maybe the break-up of the Beatles affected the regularity of his bowel movements. There is, however, another explanation for the evaporation of his creative juices. A songwriter who achieves prolific early success is often distracted by other pursuits. In Paul’s case it was sumo wrestling. His interest in this oriental oddity arose when he toured Japan in 1993, and he now attends the major tournaments.

Paul only participates as a spectator, of course. He would not be such a fool to compete in a sport designed for stupendously fat men who enjoy wearing nappies. His love of the moob-wobbling spectacle inspired him to sponsor a stable of wrestlers to promote his latest album. He wisely refrained from composing a tribute ballad for them – how could it have improved on I am the Walrus, which John Lennon wrote 48 years ago?

But I shouldn’t give you the impression that I despise sumo wrestlers. They wouldn’t go far in the jungle, but why would they need to? You don’t have to worry about your lack of mobility if you can earn a billion yen by waddling about inside a ring small enough for a cat orgy. I did say they were fat, but I meant that as a description rather than an insult.

In truth, I hate it when humans use the word “fat” as a term of abuse. The latest victim of this nauseating habit was Britney Spears, who was called a fat bitch while performing in concert. I’m glad that Britney gave the heckler a choice riposte of her own, and am mystified that some commentators have criticised her for doing do. You can’t expect a buxom diva to take it lying down.

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Its quite amazing to see the creative ideas that come from spending time on the porcelain throne.
Hey GB, I'm glad to read you didn't really want to know Paul's choice of office to pen his songs. I can't think of anyone who'd be interested, or better still, anyone who actually remembers any of his compositions. He belongs to...yesterday
I would argue that a few of Paul's solo songs and the songs he wrote with Wings are good (Maybe I'm Amazed, Band On the Run). But that Christmas song he wrote sounds like butt. It's interesting that no matter how many crap songs he releases, he's still considered possibly the greatest artist of all time. It's rare that people just ignore the most recent stuff and acknowledge only the golden years.
It's a good thing he had to poop and not pee. His song would've been "Let it pee, let it pee..." That was bad. Sorry, GB.
It's seems that sitting on the throne works for musicians. I don't want to know what the Rolling Stones did to write their hits!

Well done, Britney!
I really could have gone my entire life never knowing that. lol
Now Paul will be remembered for writing songs on the toilet. I remember when Ernest Borgnine let slip out while being interviewed on FOX News that the secret to his long life is he frequently choked his chicken (which is now what HE is remembered for). I understand aging celebrities may be suffering from some sort of dementia when they speak, but they need to be more mindful of the lasting impact an off the cuff remark can have on their legacy.
The Frog Song must have been inspired by Paul's toiletting habits
oh, i hate that term too. i hate it when it so easily slides out of some people's mouth just like that.
Mistress M: Yes, I believe Barnes Wallace invented the bouncing bomb while having a dump.

Joe: He said he wrote Yesterday when he was asleep, which possibly rules out a toilet composition.

Michael: I'd be amazed if anyone thought Maybe I'm Amazed was one of his great songs. The Christmas song was the ugly sister of Hello Goodbye.

Robyn: No need to apologise, Robyn! 'Let it Pee' would be a great title for a song about a hamster!

Leni: I think the Rolling Stones wrote their songs together, possibly while butting heads.

Mary: I'm glad to have averted that tragedy, Mary.

Jimmy: Was he joking, Jimmy? It's supposed to reduce the risk of prostate cancer, but I don't think it's as helpful as a brisk walk for preventing cardiovascular disease.

Joanne: Yes, the tune came into his head when he pulled the flush.

JJ: Do you see many fat people in Doha, Jaya?
paul should start eating lots of red meat again. vegetarians don't spend enough time on the crapper.
I believe he was serious, but who can tell these days
If Paul McCartney is ever reduced to needing a colostomy bag would this new toilet aid be the equivalent of an iPad... Paul could make music on the go so to speak.
You have to write whenever the mood strikes you. With inspiration from Michael and Robyn, my guess is that he came up with "Maybe I'm Amazed," after making a rather large deposit.

Here’s what I think: I think it’s horseshit. I think Paul and his wife are laughing their asses off in the east wing of his estate and seeing how far they can push it until people realize they’re just kidding. He should forget about moob-wobbling and sponsor my blog. I’m weary of all this obscurity.

Leave Britney alone! I still think she's kind of hot. Am I crazy?
there are big people. some over-sized even for their big frames. probably it's the sedentary lifestyle and the kind of food consumed.
Why would you attend a concert and then make fun of the singer by calling them names? Just doesn't make sense.

I like Britney and her songs-- she's a pretty girl and definitely not fat!!
Billy: True enough, but vegetarians go more regularly.

Jimmy: I think he was being serious, Jimmy, and he looked in great shape too! I wonder if any clinical studies have been done.

Steve: That would be too distracting. Pooping on the toilet only works because you don't think about pooping when you're doing it.

Julie: Yes, it would have been the perfect inspiration for a crappy song.

Exile: Don't get your hopes up. For a rich guy, Paul is pretty stingy to his fellow artists. Britney has a pretty face and a great pair of thighs, which should be enough for any man. So no, you're not crazy.

JJ: That doesn't surprise me, Jaya. Nature intended desert-dwelling humans to be nomads.

Cocaine Princess: Exactly right, Miss Princess. Only a fool would waste the price of a concert ticket to insult the performer.
"Went to number two..."
I saw what you did there.
Well played.
Let it be, Mr GB. Just let it be. It's yesterday and it all sounds bad to me. I'm going to stop now...
So, why would someone pay money to go to a concert just to call the singer a fat bitch? People are nuts. And why was Paul on the shitter so much as a young man? One shouldn't sit there so long writing magnum opuses like Beatles albums. That's a good way to get ass problems.
Al Penwossit beat me to my comment!
Paul McCartney, constipated since 1970 - this explains so much.
Al: It really did get to number two, so I can plausibly deny making a poo-poo joke if the Pope reads this post.

Mrs Table: Don't stop on my account, Mrs Table. I could listen to you recite all the titles from start to finish.

Dr Ken: He said he only finished off songs there, Dr Ken, so maybe it didn't take him too long. I can't believe Paul would hold in his shit to give himself time to compose a great Beatles ballad.

Scarlet: You're not allowed to make fun of another blogger's name, Miss Scarlet! That sort of cheek will earn you a good spanking!
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