Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Gaga gets hitched

So Lady Gaga is getting married. I don’t know anything about her fiancé, but I predict the marriage will fail if he possesses an iota of machismo. The merest morsel of manly pride must be crushed like a pomegranate seed if he’s going to succeed as Gaga’s official bed-warmer. That’s the way it has to be when the queen bee elopes with a drone. He should get into the habit of thinking and acting like a lesbian in a man’s body. If he does that, he might yet make a good fist of it.

Gaga herself is as happy as a lark, fluttering around the globe with a gooey smile on her face, like a fairy princess whose frog has just turned into a prince. When Taylor Swift tweeted a few wistful words about Gaga’s enviable predicament, the bride-to-be reassured her that “your prince charming will come”. She must be suffering from the giddy vapours to write such drivel.

Now I don’t deny there are real-life examples of a successful marriage between a show-business queen and a beta male. Some time ago I discussed the nuptials of Kate Winslet, who had pledged her troth to an oafish-looking swain called Ned Rocknroll. If anything he was an omega male, yet Kate recently praised him as the perfect husband:

“I have a wonderful man in my life who is so incredibly supportive that makes it possible for me to have those experiences,” she said.

The “experiences” she refers to were related to her movie career rather than any kind of kerfuffle in the marital bed. Be that as it may, the couple had their first child on 7th December 2013, a son whom they named “Bear Blaze”. No boy should have a father whose name is sillier than his own.

Maybe the secret of their blissful union is that everyone knows their place. Ned is so far down the pecking order that he doesn’t bother trying to compete with Kate, meekly accepting his role as concubine and comic sidekick. One can imagine him happily strumming his electric guitar in the playroom while Kate is in the lounge, discussing her next film with the moguls of Hollywood. It could actually be a similar type of relationship to the one Paris Hilton had with her pet chimpanzee.

Let’s hope Miley Cyrus learns from Kate’s experience. Her romance with Patrick Swarzenegger is currently on the rocks because he was photographed canoodling with a floozy. The blighter is now begging Miley to forgive him, but the episode should have taught her that he’ll never be a suitable consort. His famous name has given him the delusion that he’s someone of note, rather than a superficial young rake of no distinction whatever. He’ll constantly be trying to compete for the limelight if Miley accepts his suit.

Will another Ned Rocknroll come along to give Miley the unconditional service and succour she requires? If not, she may have to marry her butler.

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Schwarzanegger is such a distinctive name that no one would ever be able to take Patrick seriously - they'd only ever think of his dad.
Rocknroll birthed Blaze? Hollywood continues to disgrace itself. And the media promotes Patrick Swarzenegger to Kennedy status, while he's a direct descendant of Arnold Swarzenegger. Next thing you know, GB, Patrick and Miley will be engaged in a foursome with the butler and the maid.
Don't predict bad things for her! Don't put that out into the universe. It'll feed on itself and become reality. Wish her well. Marriage is a tough business, especially if you've got enough cash to escape it.

Did Winslet actually say that? Is that a direct quote? I couldn't come up with more empty and meaningless words if I tried.
How cool would it be to be married to someone named 'rocknroll,' though?
I would never be able to stop singing, "I love rock and roll...."
note to self: always called pop stars by their first name if marriage minded.
You've shattered my world with the news that Kate W has found a new man - I rather thought I was in the frame for that role, given my penchant for a posh bird. Alas, life must go on, and I'll have to make a fist of it without her!
Being relegated to comedy sidekick is a price worth paying to be Kate Winslet's bedroom partner. Sadly I have mastered the former but not the latter.
Michael: They'd think of his dad and then be disappointed by his smaller pecs. If he marries Miley he should take her name.

Robyn: Is it out of the question for Patrick to fill Ted Kennedy's trousers?

Exile: I do wish Gaga well, but she needs to go in with her eyes wide open. Yes, those are Kate's words - possibly tipsy when she spoke them.

Al: You're easier to please than Forrest Gump. Can you play the banjo?

Billy: Is 'Gaga' her first name or her last name? It could be either if 'Lady' is a title.

Bryan: Joanna Lumley might still be available if you're looking for a posh bird. I don't think anyone's made a fist of it with her, so you'd be the first one.

Steve: Maybe you should settle for being the butt of her jokes and see where it leads. An actress can get very attached to her butt.
I 've always enjoyed Lady Gaga's music, but I really started appreciating her singing ability when she sang a medley from The Sound of Music at the Academy Awards. She also showed great respect for Julie Andrews. This summer Gaga will be touring with Tony Bennett. Now they could "write a bad romance!"

Hollywood marriages hardly ever last for the long haul.
re-first para. I'm not sure fisting is helpful to a happy and long-lasting marriage
It's not a good position to be in if you are married to a rich or famous person and have none of your own achievements to fall back on. The rich and famous person will likely become bored and dump the ordinary person like a hot bag of rocks.
Aw. I'm happy for Gaga. :)
as always, thank you for keeping me partly updated with what's going on in the celeb world. Celebrities baffle me, but celeb partners I can't understand. You'd have thought these cling-Ons would be greatful and behave themselves, but the contrary is true. .!?!
Julie: I'd rather hear Lady Gaga sing a medley from 'Mary Poppins', which would do greater honour to Julie Andrews. Especially, 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'.

Mary: What do you think Paul Newman's secret was, Mary?

Nota Bene: That rather depends on the marriage. For some couples it's probably what keeps them together.

Jimmy: Sad but probably true, Jimmy. Maybe Doris Day could have been an exception.

Lux: As am I, Miss Lux, but for how long?

Joe: You're welcome, Joe! Ned Rocknroll seems to be grateful and well-behaved, but that's because he knows his place.
My, my,my, I had no idea Gaga's new hubby was so handsome. I thought for sure he would have been like real left field artsy fartsy looking.
Howard Stern has some amazing phony phone calls from Arnold leaving messages how pissed he is about his son slumming with Miley. She really does look like a 12-year-old boy.
Mistress Maddie: The picture only shows his profile, Mistress M. He may indeed look artsy and farty when he makes eye contact with Her Ladyship.

Dr Ken: Howard Stern has gone too far this time. Suggesting that the Schwarzenegger boy outranks Miley is tantamount to blasphemy!
Gaga's man has a vagina. Kate has a mangina. Miley should marry a wrecking ball. For ironic effect. Je suis finis.
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