Wednesday, January 07, 2015

Dolly and Christina

Dolly Parton has explained why she doesn’t make New Year’s resolutions:

“It's always the same thing, I'm gonna exercise more this year, I'm gonna eat better. And that lasts for a couple of weeks and then I'm right back where I started. So I don't make 'em cos I always break 'em.”

If I meet anyone wiser than Dolly, I will prostrate myself on an African thorn bush. I wish I could buy a book of her sayings, which I would read while relaxing in my hammock and treasure like a holy scripture. Maybe I’d become the first apostle of a new religion called ‘Partonism’, wearing a small effigy of Dolly’s boobs around my neck as a mark of my piety and devotion.

When you think about it, making a promise to yourself is pretty absurd. What are you supposed to do if you break the promise? Sue yourself? The only promises I ever made were public announcements to dissuade people from ill-omened acts. When I was a circus performer, for example, I vowed never to work with humans in animal costumes. If you’re a real jungle ape, you don’t want to scuffle with people in furry suits who are taking the mickey. An impertinent clown once approached me in a lizard costume in the hope of re-enacting the King Kong v Godzilla fight - I pulled off his fake head and gave his real one a good pummelling. Everyone took my vows very seriously after that. Many daft ideas were immediately shot down by the statement “Gorilla Bananas has vowed never to do it.”

Dealing with impersonators in animal costumes can be a challenge for humans as well as gorillas. Christina Aguilera recently got into a dispute with ‘Mickey Mouse’ at a theme park in California. She allegedly abused him when he insisted on taking a tea break before being photographed with her.

“Do you know who I am?” screamed Christina, before stomping off in a huff and referring to Mickey as “an asshole” in a carefully worded statement to the press.

I don’t know what Mickey said in reply, but it seems quite probable that he took the mickey.

If you ask me, Christina lacks a little something that Julius Caesar called dignitas. There is no surer way of looking absurd than getting into a heated debate with someone in an animal costume. I’m not saying she should have pulled off Mickey’s head, which would have been physically challenging, but it should have been possible to indicate displeasure without parleying with the imposter. If Mickey had been insufferably cheeky, she could have paid some hoodlum a hundred bucks to plant a flying kick on his backside.

I hope Christina won’t get into a huff with me for offering her this constructive criticism. She’s a fine-looking woman whom I’ve written many positive things about in previous posts. But all the good looks in the world won’t save her if she doesn’t know how to deal with humans in animal costumes.

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Dolly's right. Resolutions are pointless. You can start at any time. You're self-improvement does not have to parallel the beginning of a new year. If it does than I refuse to praise any achievement you make regardless of great it is. Cured cancer? I don't give a shit. A new year had to happen for you to be able to do it.

Merry New Year.
Anyone who tries to pull the "do you know who I am" line instantly loses respect and goodwill.
If anyone had the right to scream, "Do you know who I am?!" it was Mickey Mouse.
Dolly: Our proudest export. You're welcome world!

God forgive me, but I love "Do you know who I am?" I still like to occasionally watch a drunk Reese Witherspoon slur those magic words to an officer of the law. Then I like to look at the mug shot.
did mickey run to his personal trailer and pout after being sworn at? that's what a true celebrity would do.
Just because someone is famous should not get them more than everyone else deserves. Maybe her mama did not teach her to be humble.
Or else her mama is embarrassed about that incidence!
sometimes children do not cling to the virtues mama taught them! She is also supposed to be a role model!!!
If that is not the absolute height of hubris to say to Mickey Mouse, "Do you know who I am??" Does Christina Aguilera know that Mickey Mouse is even more famous than she? That took a lot of nerve. Though I kind of agree that Mickey is an asshole.
Fredulous: I'm trying picture someone saying his new year's resolution is to cure cancer. I don't think it's something you can say without sounding like a dickhead.

Michael: If she had to ask the question, the answer was probably 'no'. I don't think I could tell Christina apart from a thousand other blond women.

Steve: I'd like to hear him scream it after getting caught in a giant mousetrap. It would expose his bogus pretensions.

Exile: Dolly is loved in the USA too! Arty-farty New Yorkers like you will never appreciate her!

Billy: I would guess he ambled to his trailer, pulled off his head and had a cup of coffee.

Rose: Who knows what her mama taught her, Rose? Some mothers just want their children to hog the limelight. Christina is a role model for conceited starlets and ambitious hoochies.

Jimmy: Mickey does have an annoying voice, but is he a bigger asshole than Donald Duck or Walt Disney? You've got to be careful about grading people on the asshole scale.
I like Dolly. Christina? Not so much! Dolly has the ability to poke fun at herself, while Christina seems to take herself way too seriously. Too bad Minnie wasn't around to stand up for her mouse. Dolly could've also jumped in to poke her eyes out. Great point about the importance of dealing with "humans in animal costumes." Isn't there a support group for that?!

I feel a little sad-and a bit like a dirty old man-that the very first thing after I saw it was Dolly Parton is look at her breasts.
Dolly has it right, I don't make new years resolutions either. And for the same reasons...I never keep them.
You've left me wrestling with the image of an effigy of Dolly's boobs swinging around your neck. Smother me, smother me!
Dolly is quite a woman. Leagues above Christina. Some people are just so lost and have no sense of self-awareness. But I doubt Christina Aguilera cares what you or I think. She's going to do whatever she's going to do. Humilitas occidit superbiam. That is her path. It's certainly not mine. The same goes for resolutions.
I suppose some celebrities think they're entitled to whatever they ask for. So much for being humble.

As for resolutions, I never make them.... I think its always more fun breaking the rules. :))

(I prefer making goals)
Julie: There's no support group, Julie. It's one of those skills you've got to learn on the job. I'm pretty sure Dolly would be a natural, though. She would smite Minnie hip and thigh!

Al: There's no need to feel sad unless you stared for longer than 5 seconds and returned for a second look.

Mary: Great minds think alike, Mary. I'm sure you and Dolly have a lot in common! *wink*.

Bryan: Like many middle-aged men, your fantasies are getting quite lazy. Don't you have the energy to nuzzle 'em any more?

Static: Well maybe Christina will get lucky and know what humility feels like. I'm not betting it happens before she hits 50.

Cocaine Princess: Here's to your goals, Miss Princess! I hope you have fun striving for them, whatever they may be.
Remember when Dolly was famous for having huge boobs, GB? Now, she's flat chested compared to some. But she is smarter and a lot more refined than Christina. Now, I am officially a hater of hers. Anyone who'd prevent the world's most beloved cartoon character from drinking tea is the most arrogant boob of all.
I am pretty sure that fame levels aside, Mickey Mouse could take Christina any day. His entire career has been based on outwitting people, and during his time at Hogwarts, occasionally letting his own power run away with itself.
I think Christina should be made to dress up in a Mickey costume for a week. Travel a few hot days in his shoes. He's far more famous than she is and she should be punished for her rudeness.

Dolly is right. I've had the same resolutions for the past 10 years. That's all I need to say.
Robyn: How could I forget, Robyn? I'm glad her boobs no longer steal the limelight from her wit and wisdom. Although they're still probably smarter than Christina.

Ninja: Mickey is certainly more recognisable than Christina. He probably mistook her for one of Hef's playmates.

Jules: On the bright side, she wouldn't have to say "Do you know who I am?" to anyone. I'm sure I'd find your resolutions impossible to keep as well, Jules.
Unless one of them involves chasing baboons.
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